If It's Worth Saving Me
by Lisi the slayer
Summary: Season 7 – Buffy finds out how deeprooted Spike's love for her is.  But is her Vampire too tortured to be repaired, and will he let her save him ?  Or is Spike lost to her forever.  Basically a  re write of Season Seven with an eventual alternative Chosen
1. Tortured Soul

**If it's Worth Saving me**

**Name** – If it's Worth Saving me

**Author **– Lisi the slayer

**Genre** – Romance/hurt and comfort

**Pairing-**

Spike/Buffy

**Summary**

Season 7 – Buffy finds out how deep-rooted Spike's love for her is. But is her Vampire too tortured to be repaired, and will he let her save him ? Or is Spike lost to her forever. Basically a re- write of Season Seven with an eventual alternative Chosen.

**A Tortured Soul**

Whimpers. Soft, scared, broken whimpers was all Buffy could hear. She was in the School basement. She knew that if there was evil in the school it would be down there. Although whimpers weren't the sounds usually associated with evil, whatever was making those noises, still shouldn't be there. Buffy made a deep exhale, she wondered what was on the other side of the door . What pathetic creature was waiting there? Alone and presumably in the dark. What would a Creature do here? Why would a Creature go here, other than it had nowhere else to go?

Buffy's slender fingers wrapped around the door knob, an odd feeling was coursing through her. Strange, it was the feeling she associated with Spike. If she thought hard enough, she could smell him. His scent loosely hanging over the place. She gripped the knob tighter as an onslaught of memories forced themselves into her consciousness.

_**Bathroom. Spike. Spike apologizing, telling her she should have let him die. His speech on love, and then his final act. His desperate and utterly unacceptable act to show her, no force her to love him. Him ribbing her dressing gown...**_

Buffy gasped, she almost fell forwards as the door opened. A pair of strong hands steadied her shoulders. Instinctively she placed her hands on the arms, the weight on her shoulders steadying her. The hands suddenly whipped away.

"You shouldn't be here. Not for you this p-place."

Buffy shot up, that deep English voice belonged to one person only.

Dark rooted waves messily framed his face, and blue eyes dazzled her. It was Spike. Buffy was too lost in awe to react violently. She looked at him in openly, her eyes widening, her face blanking. She raised a hand to his face, feeling the familiar silky skin. It was him, he wasn't a figment of her imagination.

"S-Spike?"

She whispered softly.

At the sound of his name, Spike whimpered. Pain suddenly flooded his clear blue eyes and he shrank back, in seeming fear. That angered Buffy, if anyone was to shrink away it should be her! Was it not he who attacked her? Was it not she who was almost raped!

_**You're not all innocent Buffy, remember... " That's it ! Put on me ! Put it all on me That's my girl!"**_

Buffy forced those traitorous thoughts away and readying herself to assert pay back, strode into the room.

Spike raised his hands up, an act of surrender.

"P-Please, I-I, It wasn't, I didn't-"

Buffy aggressively invaded his personal space.

"What Spike ? Didn't what? Didn't try to rape me!"

Spike let out a tortured wail, huddled over, his arms wrapping around himself, trying to shield his body from the attack, but seemingly failing. Buffy looked at him, confusion written clearly on her face.

"Look at me. SPIKE LOOK AT ME !"

For once, in probably his whole time as Spike, he obeyed. Warily he raised his head and met Buffy's face. Buffy looked at him blankly for a moment, before she slapped him. The slap echoed through the room, swiftly followed by Spike's agonised cry. Buffy didn't know what happened, just looking at him had unleashed all her pent-up hurt and anger and she had acted as she always had done. She took it out on Spike.

_**"Yeah here it comes, something goes wrong in your life blame Spike. If you had been more honest with her in the first place you wouldn't be here, trying to make yourself feel better with a round of 'Kick The Spike'."**_

He had been right then, when she had confronted him about Dawn, and he was right now. 'Kick The Spike' never seemed to end, she had just taken it to the next level. It had just been too high for him.

"Y-You need to wash. Must wash, touched evil, repugnant, odious Monster. Must wash, lest you become tainted."

Buffy frowned in concentration at Spike's rumblings, which tore her from her memory; it took her while to work out what he was really saying. He was talking about himself. Buffy looked at him properly and her eyes widened.

His face seemed even more sunken in, though still looked impossibly beautiful. But then again, perhaps the sunken in look, could be blamed on the grey shadows under his blue eyes. His black shirt was dirty and ripped in several places. As Spike whimpered and moved his torso, the open shirt moved to reveal a series of deep cuts, scratches over his heart.

She slapped a hand over her wide-open mouth; her shocked eyes looked into his blue ones and saw nothing in them but mind numbing terror. Suddenly, she noticed he was shaking. Clear, glistening tears, trailed down his pale face and his shaking hand lightly traced the cheek she had struck.

"He deserved that. H-He deserved the stake, but he's not here ! Not here to take it !"

His voice turned to a pitiful wail, as he got more distressed. Buffy's anger, for the moment, was pushed away and concern began to fill her, accompanied by guilt. She took a step forward. Spike's eyes grew impossibly terrified, she stopped, but Spike issued a low whimper at her and fled into the darkness. It wasn't far from her however, she could hear his whimpers, and the sound of his fists beating softly against the brick walls of the room.

Taking a deep breath Buffy stepped forward.

"Spike ? Spike I'm not going to hurt you."

She took a few steps towards him, but then Spike spoke and she froze.

"You should."

His voice sounded the most coherent it had for their whole encounter, and that scared her more. That Spike, more into his right mind still felt the same.

"Should be punished. William has been a bad boy, William's a bad, evil boy and he should be punished. I should be."

The voice was soft, it's deeply broken note tore at her heart, and for reasons unknown to herself, she wished Spike back. Wished to see him swagger out of the darkness, his head held high, his hair slicked back slightly with no roots and his eyes sparkling. His whole form radiating arrogance. Instead, she saw as she finally reached him, a broken creature, no a broken man. He was slumped against the wall. His head cradled in his hands. His body seemed small, his incredible height seemed to have vanished. Buffy wished deeply she hadn't hit him, as she saw a faint bruise begin to colour his pale cheek. The small frame shuddered slightly and Buffy couldn't help herself.

The sight was heart-breaking, she knelt down to his level and stroked the hair on the back of his head. Spike shook his head. He raised it and his eyes were alarmingly clear and open, full of shame and self-hatred.

"Too pure, too beautiful. Not to touch the lesser, the dirty the ugly..."

Buffy felt tears prickle her eyes and she couldn't bear to hear anymore.

"No Spike. Not ugly."

Spike said nothing, a strange look on his face she couldn't place. Buffy carefully peeled back his shirt. Spike whimpered but didn't make a move to stop her. She winced as she saw the cuts up close. A tear trailed down her face, How had he got those? What had he gone through to reduce him to this broken mess?

"Tell me what happened to you?"

Spike sat up a little straighter, he cleared his throat.

"I went out and got it didn't I!"

Against her will, impatience seeped through into her voice.

"Got what ?"

Spike flinched, and Buffy hoped she hadn't destroyed his fragile confidence.

"The piece, that fit. That would make me fit, the Spark. 'Cos you didn't want."

Spike trailed off, his voice pained and was nearing to the whimpering he had done before.

"Angel, he should of warned me. Makes a big show about it but forget it. It's in me, all the time. The Spark. I wanted to give you what you deserve and I got it. They put the spark in me, and now all it does is burn."

Buffy's eyes widened, and she took a step back. Spike rose to his feet watching her. She looked deep into his tortured blue eyes. She couldn't believe what she was hearing! He had done it.

"Your soul, you got your soul back."

"Bit worse for lack of use."

Buffy stood there shocked. It was too much! All too much to take in. She favoured him a final glance and turned around, marching determinedly towards the door. His words made her pause.

"Please, stay here, if I don't talk and if I don't move then the voices can't hurt me, much. Stay here and help me be quiet."

Buffy turned slightly but didn't look at him, showing him her side profile. She looked to the floor.

" I think it's worse if I'm here."

Ignoring the quiet whines, she hurriedly closed the door. And rushing back up the stairs, slammed the basement door shut. Dawn yelled after her sister, Buffy's face had been positively white when she left the basement. It was the end of the day and curiosity filled her. She opened the basement door and trailed down the steps.

Nothing was here, nothing that should warrant such fear. She reached an old looking door, and steadying herself, she slowly pushed it open. At first, she could see nothing through the darkness, but slowly her eyes accustomed and what she saw almost made her scream.

Spike was slowly approaching her, his movements wary and doubtful. He was back! Buffy must have seen him! Anger built up in Dawn and she slammed the door shut behind her. The loud sound made Spike wail and he fell to his knees. His hands plastered over his ears.

"HOW COULD YOU ! WHY DID YOU DO THAT ! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED HER, LOVED US ! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT !"

Without knowing it, Dawn had come right in front of him, and was now attacking him with her fists. Spike let out a pained cry and his strong hands gently, but firmly latched onto her flimsy wrists. Dawn breathed heavily, her eyes boring into Spike's blue ones. She flinched at the open pain she saw in them. It made her wrists go limp, Spike let go.

Dawn's hands fell to the floor, by chance, upon his own. Spike didn't move his away but he tensed; readying himself for pain. Dawn felt some regret then, Spike had been her rock. In the dark year of Glory, Spike had been her closest friend. He had endured torture for her, looked after her. They had been close.

"D-Dawn ?"

Spike's voice was weak and hesitant, it proved the final straw. Tears threatened to fall and Dawn leapt to her feet and ran from the room. Spike rose to his feet also, it was late he could tell. Dawn would make a nice treat of many monsters of the night.

"Made a promise. To protect her. Protect the girl. Dawn."

He hurriedly ran after her.

0-0-0-0-0-0

Dawn's breaths came in uneven gasps and she fell to the floor. The cries that had built up within her finally let loose. Seeing Spike after what Xander had so coldly told her, the pain in her old best friend's eyes, she couldn't take it. Cold arms gathered her up, and despite her thoughts on what he had done, she wanted him to. She leaned into the cool touch.

"Please..."

"Please what darling?"

Dawn froze. It wasn't Spike's voice.

A lock of long, wavy black hair fell in front of her face. A tongue licked her pulse point.

"Please what darling? Stop? No can't do that I'm afraid. Make it painless? Well yeah I can, anything for my Morsel."

Dawn began to scream and tried to fight her way out the female Vampire's grasp. It was pointless. The female Vampire's nails simply dug deeper into her skin, causing blood to trail down her arms. Dawn felt a tongue lap it up. She heard the Vampire gasp.

"Christ ! Your no ordinary girl, are you Morsel?"

Dawn let out another desperate cry, but as she felt her long brown hair being swept back, she gave up hope. Soft, plump lips latched onto her neck, and caressed the skin. Dawn realised it was to lure the blood to the surface. Her eyes darted around her surroundings, part of her telling her she was looking for possible help, the other part telling her she was studying the last things she would ever see...

A loud growl...

Soft lips wrenched away from her neck.

A furious scream...

"DAWN ! GET OUT OF HERE !"

The female Vampire dealt a well-placed blow and freed herself from Spike, grasping Dawn's arm.

"NOT SO FAST MORSEL ! IT'S GONNA TAKE MORE THAN MASTER VAMP WILLIAM THE BLOODY TO STOP ME!"

Dawn looked to Spike, and in that instant, she felt he was back. Despite his torn clothing and exposed roots he hadn't looked more like his old self than he did now. His posture was ramrod straight, his height returned to him. Arrogance now sparkled in his blue eyes and his arms were wrapped around his chest. The gesture he always did before he dealt a hit to the face.

"Maria, long time. Still a fledging are we?"

Dawn felt her tense and a growl make its way up through the Vampire's chest.

"You can't fall me Spike. There's been rumours, William isn't so bloody anymore. Been a bit out of it have we?"

As Maria taunted Spike, Dawn could see other Vampires emerging from the shadows, from the look on their faces Maria had Spike greatly outnumbered. Spike eventually noticed, and some of his arrogance seemed to fade.

"Let her go. Have it out with me, but let my Niblet go."

Maria hissed at the word 'Niblet'.

"MY NIBLET ! WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO CLAIM HER ! YOU'VE JUST SEEN MORSEL ! WHY DO YOU CARE ANYWAY !"

For the first time since Spike's arrival to the scene, Dawn spoke back.

"I'M NOT YOUR MORSEL AND HE'S KNOWN ME A HELL LOT LONGER THAN YOU HAVE !"

Maria let out a hysterical laugh, the other Vampires quietly joined in.

"KNOWN ! MORSEL YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN ! YOU CAN'T KNOW SPIKE ! YOU WOULDN'T BE ALIVE TO TELL!"

Spike growled and lunged at Maria, sending Maria, Dawn and himself to the floor. He pinned Maria down, and turned to Dawn.

"GET OUT OF HERE !"

Dawn scrambled free of Maria, only to have one of Maria's minions grasp her. She screamed and twisted for all she was worth. Spike leapt from Maria and at the minion holding Dawn; snapping the Vampire's neck with a satisfying crack. He grasped Dawn's arm and began to run.

For a moment, Dawn thought it was ok. That everything just for once, was going to work out ok. But then, Spike stopped. He urged her onwards.

"Go home Dawn. You should be safe from here. Get to Buffy, she'll be patrolling over there soon."

Dawn gripped Spike's arm, knowing instinctively he was going back to Maria.

"Don't."

Spike gently prised himself from her.

"I deserve this Dawn. Now go !"

With that, Spike spun on his heels, and with a frightening growl dashed back to Maria and her cronies. Dawn carefully followed, what she saw almost made her scream.

Spike was fighting his best, but he was outnumbered. He had killed at least four, but it seemed the original six had expanded. She could barely see Spike, the Vampires were covering him now. Biting his neck, and beating his body. The only thing she could fully register as Spike, were his terrible screams. He was going to die.

Cold fear filled Dawn from head to toe. Spike had saved her. Without him she would be dead by now. He was a dearest friend, and now that death loomed over him, his past crimes seemed unimportant. She had to get Buffy.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Buffy dusted another Vamp, twirling the Stake in-between her slender fingers. This night had been beyond boring. She sat on a tombstone and waited for the next Vamp to appear. It was then she heard it.

Screams. A man's screams. From the sound of it a very pained man. She leapt up from the tombstone and sprinted in the cry's direction. Almost staking Dawn, as she appeared in front of her from nowhere.

"DAWN! What an earth! What you doing here!"

Dawn shook her head frantically; there wasn't enough time for these details. Spike was dying.

"SPIKE ! HE SAVED ME ! BUFFY THERE WAS A WHOLE GROUP OF THEM ! THEIR KILLING HIM !"

Buffy froze. She felt like someone had filled her insides with cold water. Spike. Spike who had got a soul for her, had begged her to stay with him. Who now had saved Dawn was going to die for it ?

"No, no no no."

Buffy wasn't even aware she was saying it as she pushed her way through the trees and dived into the huddle of vamps. She wrenched them off him, staking them easily, until she arrived to Maria. Maria tore her fangs from Spike's much abused throat, her lips stained ruby with his blood. She sneered at Buffy.

"Slayer, early for you isn't it ?" Maria motioned to Spike who lay motionless on the floor. Vicious bite marks covered his slender neck. His face covered in black bruises and his body equally damaged. Barely any blood seemed to leak from his wounds, and for a moment Buffy was relieved. Then she realised, it wasn't for a lack of depth, the reason blood wasn't leaking from him, it was because he didn't have the blood to lose. Could Vampires die from blood loss? Or did they just need to be filled up again?

"Aren't you going to kill him? He's Spike ! William the Bloody! Master Vampire sprawled out on the floor! Defenceless!"

Buffy gripped the stake tighter, her knuckles going white. Maria noticed, her own green eyes widened.

"It's true. The rumours are true. Your in love with Spike! You, the big all Chosen One! The Slayer is in love with Spike!"

Buffy shook her head.

"I'm not in love with Spike."

Maria raised a mocking eyebrow; she shrugged her shoulders and moved to the left of Spike's form. A clear trail now lay between Buffy and Spike.

"Kill him then. You're not in love with him? Kill him."

Buffy smiled with scorn at Maria, her grip tightening even more on the Stake.

"Why not you? Me thinking I want to kill you."

Buffy took a menacing step forward, Maria didn't move.

"Why ? Because I'm a Vampire ? Or because I almost killed your hubby?"

Maria didn't stand a chance, Buffy leapt at her, the stake cutting through the air and slamming into her heart. Maria gasped, laughter still lingering in her green eyes before she turned to dust.

"Both."

Buffy whispered to Maria's ashes.

Spike, who Buffy thought was unconscious, let out a high-pitched howl. Slowly, he opened his eyes, which froze when they saw Buffy.

"Y-You saved me? You didn't - you haven't staked me?"

That final sentence broke Buffy, and tears for Spike streamed down her face. She raised a hand to Spike's head and ran her fingers through his luscious hair.

"Of course I didn't."

**Hey !**

**Hope as many of you liked it as possible and I eagerly await your views. My grammar isn't the best so if any of you would like to my beta for this story it will be greatly appreciated ! Can't promise this length for all chapters but I'll try ! Hope as many readers liked this as possible and I'll update soon !**

**Regards**

**Lisi the slayer**


	2. Cleansed by Water

**Cleansed by Water**

Tears didn't seem to stop as she held Spike's form close to her chest. He was little more than an animal. His injuries were so severe that, had Spike been a human he would have been out cold and in critical danger. However, even as a vampire he wasn't out of the woods yet. Buffy felt Spike nuzzle her shoulder, where his head rested limply. She was right outside now; Dawn would be waiting for her. It would worry Dawn to no end if she saw her in this state. Blinking back her tears, Buffy kicked open the unlocked back door. As she predicted Dawn was there waiting. Dawn was in her pink nightgown. Her long brown hair was draped out over her shoulders, her face was devoid of color and her eyes were a telling bloodshot. Dawn worsened when she saw Spike.

Dawn slapped a hand over her mouth to muffle her cries. Buffy wanted to comfort her, but Spike was in no state to play second fiddle. She favored Dawn with a warm look instead, and gently eased past her into the living room and up the stairs. The bathroom door leered menacingly at her, and for a moment Buffy wanted nothing more than to drop Spike and run. That feeling passed as quickly as it had come and she promptly felt sickened with herself. She looked down at Spike, and hi blue eyes flashed at her, but they were missing something. Missing Spike, that unique glitter of life that Spike always seemed to bring with him. Carefully she opened the bathroom door; and this brought her to the next problem. Where was she going to put him? She couldn't run the bath and hold him at the same time. She glanced at the toilet but then frowned. He would simply slide off, the moment she let him go. She saw an empty space against the wall and, although not ideal, it was her only option. Gently, to avoid causing him further and unnecessary pain, she lowered him to the floor. Spike nuzzled her wrist affectionately; reminding her very startlingly of a dog. A kicked dog that, although it had its tail between its legs, never stopped showing affection to its owner. Buffy felt uncharacteristic tenderness for Spike that scared her and she quickly turned to run the bath. As soon she left him she heard a thud accompanied by a low groan. Without Buffy as a pillar he had simply fallen to the floor, he didn't have the strength to hold himself upright. Buffy pulled the tabs till as much water as possible was running and then turned to Spike. Blood. He needs blood.

The thought came from nowhere, and to her surprise, carried no emotion with it. It was a necessity, something that simply had to be done. She didn't have the luxury of deciding whether she wanted to or not. Reaching up she picked up a razor. The thought of cutting her wrist open wasn't a pleasant one, but the alternative... No she wasn't ready, that took trust. Real established trust between both parties and she didn't trust him. She also suspected that, although he claimed to love her, he didn't trust her either. She sighed as she cut her wrist. She couldn't blame him if he didn't. At the scent of blood Spike's half closed eyes flew open, hunger burning within them. It was as if being faced with the blood made him realize just how hungry he was. She sat down beside him and with her other hand she gently positioned and supported his head. Despite his obvious hunger, Spike seemed to be refusing. Buffy looked at him deeply, her wrist moving closer to his mouth. She could see more of Spike returning; the animal state beginning to end. She also saw his familiar stubbornness and defiance and realized it was now or never. The hand that held up his head lunged forward sending Spike's lips onto her bleeding wrist. As Buffy guessed, he could no longer resist its call. His face vamped out and she felt him suck hungrily at her wrist. Buffy gasped, unwelcome feelings stirred within her, and they weren't in the regions of pain. Buffy also realized she was in full control this way, she decided when he drank enough; she alone would decide when his life source was taken away. Her vision took on a sudden blur and she knew he could take no more. She yanked her wrist free, expecting to see the cut but it was healing. Spike had stopped feeding before then. He had sealed her wound. She observed him critically, she knew instantly that he hadn't had anything like the amount he needed. But nothing could be done for now. At the sound of water she ran to the bathtub and hurriedly turned it off. She breathed a sigh of relief; a while longer and the water would have split over. But her relief quickly passed. Then came the obvious next step; removing his clothing. She glanced at Spike, though to be fair, he didn't really have any clothes to remove. His shirt could barely be called a shirt and his trousers were so tight that Buffy realized, with regret, she would have no option but to practically cut them from him. Her eyes moved from his body and then caught his eyes.

He wasn't like an animal anymore, but he wasn't fully aware, he felt like a semi-conscious human. Seeing everything but not registering it. He glanced at the bathtub, looked down at himself, then looked expectedly at Buffy. His face was child-like in the expression that marred it. The innocence a child wore when it was waiting to be undressed by a parent. It was fairly disturbing, to say the least, to see it on Spike's usually confident face. But then Buffy thought, it was better he was this way than rebellious. Trying to appear as soothing as possible, Buffy gently pulled the shredded shirt from Spike's back. It took every inch of her self control to stop herself crying. The image was nothing less than horrendous. She turned around and gently got a pair of scissors, Spike's eyes narrowed. Buffy paused for a moment; she tried to determine what Spike's displeasure to the scissors was; whether he feared attack or whether he was not willing to part with his trousers. Buffy found she couldn't tell, and she resumed but one word broke her. "Please..." It was a strangled sound, but Buffy heard it loud and clear. He thought she was going to hurt him. She fought against the onset of tears that gathered in her eyes, at seeing such a proud man reduced to a begging, pleading mess. She felt him begin to tremble and she realized she hadn't got rid of the scissors. She dropped them, and looked Spike straight into the eyes." I'm not going to hurt you Spike. You need to get these off. Do you understand?" She kept her voice soft and was hugely relieved when most of the fear left his gaze. He nodded in answer to her question. Buffy smiled at him encouragingly. "Can you get out of them without the scissors?" A look of determination came into Spike's eyes and he nodded strongly. Buffy bit back her groan, she was almost completely certain that this was Spike's attitude talking and that he was only going to tire himself out further. But as she looked into his suddenly quite alive eyes she knew she had no real choice.

It had taken patience, but it had worked. Spike's trousers were still intact. Spike lay naked on the floor, his face still quite blank and Buffy wondered how much of his situation had really sunk in. She felt her cheeks redden, she hadn't even touched him, but the thought of holding a completely naked Spike in her arms and gently laying him down into the bathtub made her blush heatedly. She desperately wished he had the energy himself, but Buffy knew he had just about enough to keep himself afloat. Buffy silently thanked the universe that vampires couldn't drown. Quickly, she scooped him up and raised him off the ground. Spike seemed uninterested in his plight, completely at ease with her carrying his exposed body. His rubbed his cheek against her warm one and purred as she lowered him into wet warmth. Blood and mud began to leave Spike's body; gently she took a sponge with shower gel, and gently began to clean him. Her touch was gentle, but Spike still whimpered. Buffy decided to wait a while, to let Spike relax. For now, she put the sponge down. Spike smiled in gratitude, but then a pained look came into his face and his eyes sought hers instantly "Am I flesh? Am I flesh to you?" Buffy was caught off guard and she blinked at him confused. Spike simply repeated himself, "Am I flesh? Am I flesh to you?" Buffy looked at him a while longer, then it came to her. He was referring to their disastrous relationship. The damaging, almost prostitution, she had started for herself and Spike. Flesh meant body. He was asking her if he was a body to her. If all she was interested in was his body. A conversation suddenly came back to her, not long after they had finished sex under his carpet.

"Do you even like me?"

"Sometimes."

"But you like what I do to you."

"Flesh then. Not a spark, oh God – oh well flesh it is then." That brought her out of her reverie. She shook her head, her eyes blazing. "No Spike, not flesh. Not flesh, there's a spark." Tears slid down Spike's face and he smiled weakly at her, Buffy could see that it was a great burden off his shoulders. She looked at the once clear water; it was muddy now. She took the sponge and began to scrub gently. Tears escaping at Spike's quiet whimpers.

**Hey !**** Thanks to my great beta for correcting the grammar ****errors !****please**** review and thanks for reading !**

**Lisi**** the slayer**


	3. Bandages

**Bandages**

Buffy gently laid Spike down onto her mother's bed. Now that she had cleaned his various wounds, she had to bandage them up. Spike had been quiet for sometime, and the silence was unnerving to Buffy, it made the situation all too real. "I'm sorry I can't offer you much." "Offer much?" came Spike's confused reply, his tone made Buffy's heart clench; he sounded so surprised, as if he felt that in the last hour she had given him something special. She hadn't given him anything special. She never had. "Blood Spike, but I'll get some pig's blood first thing in the morning." Buffy finished the bandage and stood up. Now she was truly unsure of what to do. She had done all she possible could to help Spike. Until the morning, she was of no use to him. "Why? Why would you -" Spike's face flashed with hurt, he seemed to know exactly what she was referring to. "Shame on you Buffy. Why does a man do what he must for her, to be hers? To be the kind of man would never..." His voice trailed off and he lowered his face in shame. "To be a kind of man." Slowly he looked back up at her, tears falling down his face. "And she will look upon him with forgiveness, and everyone will forgive and love. And he will be loved." He finally broke down into tears, and very suddenly with his right hand, tore his nails down his left arm. Buffy ran towards him and yanked his right hand away. Tears streaming down her face too. When Spike stopped protesting, she let his arm fall. She briefly looked at the cut. It was nothing serious, but it was quite deep, and suddenly she was thankful she hadn't redressed him. Spike had lost so much blood that her Slayer blood had been absorbed straight away. He didn't have the blood to lose, which meant as soon as he did, blood was going to come pouring out onto those bandages. In that moment she realized Spike's injuries weren't just some fighting after-effects. They were serious; it was going to be a while. His words haunted her, floating around in her head, repeating themselves over and over again. She found she simply couldn't be in the same room as him any longer. She slammed her bedroom door shut, her breaths came in uneven gasps, and she glanced at the clock. It was one in the morning. She collapsed onto her bed and let an uneasy sleep take her away.

She knocked gently on her mother's room door, and she heard no response. It made her heart sink; she nudged the door open with her side and entered with a large mug of warmed up pig's blood. She turned to Spike's form. To her surprise he was, apart from his head, completely covered in bedcovers and was turned away from her. Buffy guessed the situation had finally sunk in, and she wondered if the bath was the main reason he was now covering himself up and turning away from her. "Spike? I-I brought you some blood." Spike twitched, and she could tell the smell of blood was calling him, and it was his sheer will of shame and embarrassment that was keeping him still. "Spike, I-" Spike shook his head; slowly he sat up and turned to face her. The look in his eyes went straight to Buffy's heart and she closed her eyes against the emotional onslaught. She quickly opened them up again though, and gently handed him the mug. His blue eyes literally lit up when he looked down into the thick redness. Buffy stared fixedly at the visible bandages, curious to see how much blood he lost. Spike gulped the blood down in record speed and, the effect was almost instantaneous. Large patches of red colored his white bandages and Spike growled in both pain and annoyance. Buffy found herself wishing desperately that blood didn't get on the bed. That much blood would be a nightmare to wash out. The cut he had made earlier suddenly caught her attention; a rivet of red streamed down his arm. Spike turned his head; his sharp pink tongue lapped it up, licking the cut area a few times before Spike moved away from it. When he did it had completely healed. He seemed even more broken now than when she had put him in the bath. His eyes were fixed downwards, and his shoulders were slumped. Despite Spike's obvious embarrassment, Buffy felt she couldn't just stand there and watch. She quietly walked over to him and began to run her fingers through his hair. Spike resisted momentarily, before letting out a sigh and leaning back into her frame. His head lolling back on her shoulder. He closed his eyes; Buffy had thought it was in comfort, for his muscles had relaxed and his body had gone floppy. But then tears seeped through his closed eyes and Buffy realized it was because he couldn't look her in the eye. He was too ashamed. Ashamed of himself.

**Please tell me what you think and ****review !**** Thanks for ****reading !**

**Regards**

**Lisi**** the slayer**


	4. Aftermath

**Aftermath**

She hadn't seen Spike all day, he had refused company. She had entered what was now to be his room numerous times, and each time she had yearned for a response, anything, but Spike was always in the same position, on his side, the covers wrapped around him like a protective cocoon and with his face cast in shadow. She would just leave the blood on the nearby end table and leave the room again. One reassurance was that at least the blood was being drunk; even if Spike seemed to have truly left her with his broken body and soul.

Slowly, she knocked on the door. She received no answer, just like she had received no answer throughout the day, but determined not to let him wallow in self-pity or let the surrounding darkness consume him whole, she strode purposefully in. Spike was still in bed, still on his side, and still looking away from her. Buffy felt her frayed nerves begin to snap.

"Spike. We need to talk." Spike didn't move; he barely blinked. Buffy gulped down the fear that had shot up her throat and walked up to him. She looked deep into his azure eyes, and found they were blank. A lifeless blue that seemed to stare into nothing, they were the eyes of a dead man. Buffy couldn't stop a sob from escaping as she gently trailed a finger down his silky skin. It seemed like that one sob undid her, as more sobs escaped with it, before she knew it pure anguish just gripped hold of her and her knees gave away beneath her. Buffy brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself, trying to bring at least an illusion of comfort.

There was a time, not long ago, when she would have rejoiced at Spike's current condition, but as Buffy's throat began to tear at her agonized cries, she realized those times were truly at an end. Slowly, painfully slowly, hesitant cold hands rested on her shoulders; gently they applied pressure as Spike rose from his bed and lowered himself to the ground.

As strongly as he could in his weakened state, he pulled Buffy into his arms, and pulled her against his chest, ignoring his body's protesting pain. At the moment he couldn't care less for what happened to him, nothing mattered but the fact that his blonde goddess was crying her heart out, crying all those awful cries for him. He was the cause of them, and that knowledge was worse than any physical pain. Buffy reacted instinctively, burrowing her face into the soft chest and letting him carry her body weight.

As she began feeling better, she remembered just who she was leaning so closely and heavily into…Buffy leapt back, as if burnt. Spike tried to contain the hurt that stabbed his heart at her actions, but as his face remained impassive; his blue eyes betrayed him, showing all his hurt and pain. "You're hurt Spike. I didn't...I didn't want to make things worse." Spike shook his head at her. "You don't have to make excuses Buffy; I can't blame you for being skittish." Buffy frowned at his choice of words, apparently, chosen to describe her behaviour. "That's not a word I would choose to describe it. I don't have the words."

"Me neither; I can't change it, can't use I'm sorry...All I can say is, Buffy, I've changed."

Buffy looked at him, suddenly very coldly, the conversation not a place she wanted to be. It was strange, this weakened Spike seemed like a new person; intentionally she had removed him from his attempt rape, like it had been done by a different person, but Spike's speech had just united himself and the incident in Buffy's mind. It wasn't a welcomed development. "I believe you; I just don't know what you've turned into. I know you Spike, I know when there's something you're not telling me and you're hiding something."

Spike's face hardened, his face cold, but his eyes betrayed him yet again. It was an odd mixture of anger and self-hatred. Buffy found she had to look away.

Quite suddenly, Spike's form wasn't next to her anymore. She stood and watched as Spike shakily reached for his clothes. Buffy's anger immediately left, and was replaced with deep concern, concern for him; concern that if he left now he wouldn't survive. "Spike, don't go." Spike looked at her, torn. Her words had added to the damage, but it was clear to her that she had also helped heal some of them. It clearly showed that he really didn't want to leave, but a bigger part of him, his pride, won the inner battle and he rose to his full height defiantly. "I think I've overstayed my welcome." Buffy did the first thing that came to mind; she grasped his wrist and slammed him into the closest wall.

Spike let out a low growl as pain rocked up his bare back. Buffy brought herself face to face with him, authority shining determinedly in her green eyes. "You're not well, you go now and you'll be killed. You stay. You have to stay till...till you're better." Spike looked at her curiously then; she could practically feel his blue eyes boring holes into her skull.

"Why are you helping me?"

"You saved Dawn."

Spike's eyes blazed with more life than they had since Buffy had first seen him since his return to Sunnydale; but that life was fuelled by anger and hurt. "I don't want or need your molly coddling Slayer." Buffy looked strongly at him and pressed him more tightly against the wall, her body pinning him there. "It's not coddling." Spike looked at her very calculating then and Buffy abruptly backed away, her face flushed. "Now put your clothes back and get back to bed; I'll get you more blood." Spike just stood there, seemingly stunned and calmly watched her leave.

Buffy rested against the door, her heart-beat drumming furiously, after everything she couldn't believe Spike could still do this to her. How he could turn her on. He made her so mad she wanted to throttle him one moment and then have him kiss her senseless the next!

As she descended the stairs, she briefly hoped Spike hadn't smelt her arousal. Spike's infatuation was not something she could deal with right now.

Spike groaned as he gently lowered himself on to his soft bed. He had smelt it, heavy and potent, the smell of a Slayer's arousal. After everything, she was still attracted to him; after everything he had done, she still held feelings for him. As Buffy remerged he found that he had to show her; show her some of the guilt that was weighing him down. "I don't deserve this Buffy." Buffy looked at him, this was quite a different Spike than the one she had left; whilst getting the blood she had felt that she had gotten the old Spike back, but now, the guilt that was glistening in front of her served as a reminder of just how broken he was. She looked at him critically for a moment, taking into consideration his wildly wavy dark rooted hair. Must buy bleach, she mentally noted.

"After all I've done…all the pain." Tears began to slide down his face and Buffy suddenly found herself owning up to her own behaviour. "It was my fault Spike. I treated you like...like I was superior; like I was better than you were. I acted like I had a right to do those things to you...to hurt you, use you. Spike I hurt you. I told you no all the time but I let you continue; how were you to know when I truly meant it? It was my fault as much as yours. I'm sorry Spike."

**Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think and Review, have a merry Xmas!**

**Regards**

**Lisi the slayer**


	5. Reconciliation

**Reconciliation**

Dawn watched Buffy gently close the door. It was night and several days had passed since Spike had first been brought into their home. Dawn had been in turmoil; Buffy's refusal to let her see Spike had aggravated the teenager to no end. Again and again their brief meeting played out in her mind. The way Spike had been so cautious in approaching her, and the pure anguish that had gleamed in his eyes at her, begging her for compassion. She had given him none. But then what he had tried to do to Buffy viciously attacked her mind. He had been in no real position to ask for compassion, not from her! Unless...unless what he had been through was so awful that there was barely any of him left, if all he was hanging on was a thread and that thread was rapidly thinning...he needed help, she decided. He didn't need her anger and her hurt; he needed her friendship, her warmth, her trust. And most importantly, her love. She had heard his voice briefly the other day; it had set tears in her own eyes. "And she will look upon him with forgiveness, and everyone will forgive and love. And he will be loved." He needed all the love he could get, and no matter how serious his injuries were, nothing was going to stop her seeing him, not even Buffy. He was, after all, the sole reason she was still alive. She heard Buffy's bedroom door click closed. She quietly got out of bed, a shiver ran through her and she hurriedly grasped her pink nightgown. Slowly, she crept down the hallway; tip toed past Buffy's room and, with the gentlest touch she could manage, pushed her Mother's room door open.

Moonlight was flooding into the room, illuminating Spike beautifully. She felt a stir of appreciation go through her as she looked at Spike's pale chest. Most of his bandages were gone now; Spike had managed to lick his wounds till they healed over. His back, legs and lower body however were still tightly covered in bandages. The moonlight emphasized his every muscle and Dawn stood there transfixed, until a low growl filled the room. "Was there something you wanted Niblet?"

That made Dawn jump; she closed the door behind her and walked closer to him. His eyes were closed, and his unnecessary breathing was slow, deep and rhythmic, he looked fast asleep. As if mind reading her, he answered her unvoiced question with a hint of humour in his tone. "I could smell you Niblet, vampire remember." With that his eyes flashed open, and the moonlight seemed to make his deep blue eyes glow. Dawn hesitantly reached out to touch him; but she stopped as she saw unease and slight fear enter Spike's eyes. It made her feel sick. "Spike? I'm not going to hurt you." The fear remained. Disappointed she let her hand fall away from him, she had intended to stroke his cheek, to make him smile like he used to smile at her. The only thing that seemed to remain of their close friendship was her nickname.

"I wanted to say thank you, for saving me." Spike smiled at her; his smile was there but his eyes were pained. "I've ruined us haven't I?"

Dawn shook her head determinedly. "No, you haven't. Spike, what you did was wrong, it's so wrong I can't explain how wrong it was. But then you went away, Buffy brought me to your crypt, soon after you left, so soon after...I could see the disappointment in her eyes, pain in her eyes. Like you'd let her down not being there. I thought that was odd for such a while, ever since Xander told me. Now I think something went on between you and Buffy and somewhere down the line, I think Buffy blames herself as well as you. You went away, and as far as we can tell, you've gone through hell and back. But you survived it, you came back and you found the strength to come back to us. You saved me Spike. I forgive you."

At hearing the words of forgiveness, Spike immediately pulled Dawn down into his arms, and he hugged her tightly, tears trailing down his face as the joy of at least part redemption caressed his un-beating heart. "I'll never forget this Niblet." Dawn kissed his temple and let herself embrace him in return.

As Buffy gently peeled the bandages off his back, she felt his muscles tense, and she paused. "They have to be kept clean. If it counts for anything, couldn't do this to myself if I was in your position either." Spike let a small smile grace his features, and Buffy, as she turned to face him, suddenly thought how little he had smiled since his return, and how often he had smiled at her before. "Luv, aren't you supposed-" That had been enough to pull Buffy from her memories and she resumed her task, rinsing warm water from the cloth, and gently dapping at his wounds. She could feel Spike tense, and she saw him suck in his cheeks. "I saw Dawn; she came to me last night. Apparently you have been keeping her away?"

Buffy didn't like the undercurrent of accusation in his tone, so she thought carefully about her response. "You were hurt. You still are. I didn't want her to see you like that; I didn't like seeing you like that."

"Yeah well, it's all relative ain't it, all fades, it all fades." Buffy shook her head solemnly. "Not all wounds are physical Spike." Spike let out his trademark laugh, "Don't I know it."

Feeling the tension mounting, Buffy soothingly trailed the warm, damp cloth over his upper back. "How did it go with Dawn?"

Buffy knew little about the true extent of his and Dawn's friendship, but she knew it meant a great deal to both of them. And, in some ways, Buffy felt Dawn had felt more betrayed by Spike's attempted rape then she did. "She- she forgave me Buffy, she forgave me." "You deserve it." Buffy whispered to him gently.

Spike hung his head, his pale hands clenching. "I deserve Hell, that's what they keep telling me." Buffy moved to face him in alarm, as far as she was aware, only Dawn and she knew about Spike. She had managed to keep Xander and Anya away. "Who is 'They' Spike?" "This soul…it's what you wanted right?" Buffy frowned at the apparent change of subject. "Spike..." "Buffy, please!" Tears began to form in her eyes, and a broken look came into Spike's blue ones. He raised his fingers to his temples and groaned his eyes shut.

"Now everybody's in here, talking. Everything I did, everyone I... And Him! The It. The Other." Spike hung his head again; his hands falling limply, his shoulders were quivering. "The Thing beneath, beneath you he's in there too, everybody. And they all just tell me go, go to Hell."

Buffy pulled Spike's crying form into her chest, letting Spike rest his head into the curve of her neck. As Buffy's fingers running through his hair soothing him, he suddenly found how hungry he was, and he found his eyes darting more than once to her pulse point. "Blood, I need more blood." Spike moaned against her flesh. Buffy kissed his temple gently, "I know." She said as she offered him her wrist. Spike caught it lightly, but didn't bring it to his lips. He stared at it in confusion; although Buffy could see his gaze rapidly flitting back to her blue vein, which she suspected must be taunting him.

"This is different Buffy. In the bathroom I would have died, and you allowed me to live. God knows why, but you did. This is different; I don't need it to be your blood." But as he was saying this, Buffy noticed that his already loose grip didn't loosen further. Buffy raised her hand to the cheek she had previously struck, Spike involuntarily flinched, the memory of that painful slap coming the front of his mind. Buffy swallowed down her shame and slowly this time, gently cradled his cheek in her hand, gently soothing the skin until Spike's face relaxed completely.

"You're right, you don't need it. I'm giving it to you because I want to." Spike looked up at her, the smile on her face was genuine and he felt a smile of his own tug at his lips. "I know I'm a monster, and I know you'll never love me, but you treat me like a man and that's..." Buffy felt her guilt deepen; he had said that the night she had died. Coming back she had nearly entirely forgotten the odd, but sweet sort, of friendship she had been developing with Spike. Her using him like that would have been a total mockery of the first kiss she had truly given him, after he had taken torture from Glory. _'He did done all that without a Soul, if you hadn't screwed him up further would have needed one?'_ Buffy was thankfully pushed from her thoughts as the quick flare of pain came from her wrist, and then replaced with a deep tugging.

She felt so close to him when she allowed him to feed from her. She felt like he entered her core. Then it hit her, why she had gone to Spike in the first place! He had always gotten to her, managed to go through her defences and get right under her skin, making her boil with anger and disgust; but now with hindsight she wondered if she had mistaken her feelings for him all along. The reason she had gone to him was because he brought her to life. He got to the core of her and he set her alight. He had brought her back to life, and in that instant she made a promise. 'I'll save you Spike.'

Spike, oblivious to her thoughts, fed off her blood; confused at the emotions of realization and then a sort of guilt and at the end, he was sure, a taste of love.

**Thanks for readings, reviews will be greatly appreciated!!!!**

**Regards**

**Lisi**** the slayer**


	6. Bleach, Willow and the Unseen

**Bleach, Willow and the Unseen **

"I got something for you Spike!" Spike looked at Buffy's excited face in confusion; what could she have possibly gotten him that brought her so much excitement.She brought her arm from her back and chanted an overly enthusiastic 'ta da' Spike rose an disbelieving eyebrow at her.

"You brought me bleach?" Buffy nodded and threw the bottle at him, her face becoming mock serious.

"Spike you have to do something with your hair!" Spike looked at her and smirked, an old teasing gleam shining through his azure eyes.

"What if I said I wanted to return to my old roots...literally?"

Buffy narrowed her eyes at him. "What if I say Mr.Pointy will be really upset with you if you don't use the bleach?" Spike stood up, silently happy that he had finally had healed enough to wear his clothes again; well Buffy had gotten him the navy blue top but the black tight trousers were still his own.His posture was challenging and he wrapped his arms around his upper chest, a smirk firmly planted on his face. "And what if I say bring it on?!"

Buffy leapt at him without a second thought, her blonde hair swirled around her wildly, carried away by the wind the pair created. Buffy let out a laugh of enjoyment and managed to push Spike to the ground. Her hips straddled Spike and the point of her stake just touched the blue material of his top.A wicked smile formed on Buffy's face as she realized she had won.

She could feel something, a connection, a pull. Something deep within her was being pulled, and she found that all she could do was stare into Spike's endless blue eyes. Her whole body froze, and her bottom lip dropped slightly as Buffy was completely lost in Spike's eyes. It felt so good, their bodies being so close together!It had been so long...Spike abruptly growled and pushed her off of him as Buffy unknowingly began to grind her hips against him.Suddenly the playful light atmosphere left and Spike looked at her sharply.

"We can't do that again Buffy, if this...if all you've done is so that you can...we can..." Buffy shook her head in earnest. "It's not."

Spike looked at her sharply, trying to see truth in her lusting green eyes.What he found was sufficient as his sharp gaze softened until he was looking at her like normal.He caught sight of the bleach bottle on the floor, and bending down, he picked it up and with a grim smile on his face growled softly as he left. "Better be the right colour."

Buffy stood where she was for a moment, before slamming the door shut and rushing to her training room.She couldn't believe she had been so stupid!After everything that had happened she still couldn't help herself, could she?How could she still harbour blame on him for the attempted rape if she acted like that?Letting out another furious cry of anger she punched the bag so hard it went flying from its chains.

"OY NIBLET WILL YA BLOODY HURRY UP!" A non-committal sound came from the closed wooden door, but, Spike told himself, at least the shower had been turned off.He leaned heavily on the door, preparing for a long wait. He was totally unprepared, therefore, for the door to suddenly swing open. "SPIKE!"

Dawn squealed as he tumbled towards her; his whole body weight having rested on the door. Thankfully before anymore undue embarrassment occurred; Spike gripped the door frame and regained his balance.An odd feeling surged through him at seeing Dawn in nothing but a towel firmly wrapped around her chest and another white towel over her head; he felt protective of her all of a sudden..."Spike?What you doing?" Dawn's voice and very flushed cheeks brought Spike crashing back down into the real world, and suddenly wishing that the world would swallow him up. He dashed into the bathroom closing the door behind him. "How the bloody hell do I get myself in these things?" He muttered to himself.

"I can't promise you'll be wanted, but you will be needed," a sympathetic Giles told a worried Willow. It made his heart ache to see the lost look in Willow's eyes, and he wished he could make it better but he knew it was really only Willow and the rest of the gang who could truly repair the damage made. Giles put a warm hand on her shoulder, "You were hurt, you dealt with it badly but you've come out the other side.Willow, you're better for it." Willow sniffed and brought Giles into a hug, the comfort the Englishman gave her, tugging her pale lips into a smile.

"She should be coming now!Any minute!" An enthusiastic Xander told the group, as he waved his yellow crayon sign wildly.Dawn looked at it and frowned critically. "Why is it yellow?" Xander smiled at her brightly. "She'll understand...when she turns up!" Buffy looked as the last person disappeared into a flood of people, her worried eyes looked on as no other form emerged. "Xander she's not here." Xander shook his head, a look of fierce determination on his face. "No, she's just the last, you'll see! Willow's just lagging behind! Miss slow poke!"

Buffy closed her eyes, a pained expression on her face. Dawn nudged her arm and Buffy's eyes immediately snapped open; a look of disappointment came on to her features at not seeing the desired red head, and, breathing in deeply, she turned to Dawn. "Where's Spike?" "He's bleaching. Dawn, no one knows he's here, got it?No one but you and me." A look of argument came on to Dawn's face but Buffy hushed her. "You know what Xander thinks of Spike at the moment, if you really did lash out at him then Xander's going to kill him.No one knows, not yet."

Spike was about to head downstairs for the first time since his arrival, when he heard the door slam open and Xander's voice filling the opening hallway. "IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!YOU CAN'T JUST GO ACCUSING PEOPLE LIKE THAT!YOU CAN'T ACCUSE WILLOW LIKE THATBUFFY!"

Spike pressed himself flat against the shaded wall, his curiosity took a severe jolt when he heard Willow being mentioned.He had heard a lot about Willow recently. A small part of him felt appreciation for the witch, the utter destruction she had caused, and was capable of was enough to send his demon wild.Yet, a bigger part of him was saddened; he had always liked Red.Sure he had made fun of her on a few occasions, and last year they certainlyhadn't seen eye to eye; but he could remember that day when she had crashed the car with Dawn.

The broken look on her face was one he was all too familiar with. He had wanted really to help her then; but Buffy had needed him, and now, he admitted to himself, he needed help.The last he'd heard, Willow had been taken to England with Giles, and despite having less than fond feelings for Giles, he couldn't help but feel some respect for the man; for when he agreed to take Willow back home with him it could only at most been a couple of days after her attempt of murdering him. Spike listened hard; he was afraid to turn his head in case anyone saw him.

He could hear a faint heart beat more clearly than the rest, and he was about to risk a look when a voice rang out. "I know you're there.Look, go back upstairs and I'll find out what's going on. Buffy's doesn't want Xander to see you." Spike moved from the wall and nodded at Dawn. "Thanks Niblet." Dawn smiled at him once more before disappearing into the hallway, for the brief moment when the living room door was open Spike could hear an explosion of voices. Someone was having a very heated argument.

"All I'm saying Xander is she's changed; you can't do everything she's done and not get affected." "SHE'S WILLOW, BUFFY!NOT A DEMON YOU'VE GOT TO SLAY BUT WILLOW!I DON'T RECALL YOU WORRYING ABOUT ALL THE PEOPLE SPIKE'S KILLED!" Buffy's eyes flashed dangerously, and Dawn looked at her older sister intrigued; she wondered how much of Buffy's and Spike's break up was true. "DON'T BRING HIM INTO THIS!SPIKE'S DIFFERENT!HE'S GOT A SO-"

"CHIP!XANDER, SPIKE'S GOT A CHIP." Dawn quickly intervened, and not a minute too soon, as Buffy had slapped her hand over her mouth; in the heat of the moment she had virtually given the game away.She had almost told everyone that Spike had a soul. Xander, meanwhile, looked enraged; he pointed his index finger at Dawn, literally shaking with rage. "ARE YOU DEFENDING HIM?ARE YOU DEFENDING THAT UNDEAD SCUM BAG? AFTER WHAT HE DID?!" Alarm bells all rang through Buffy's brain and in her haze of panic she punched Xander square on the nose. "OHHH!!!"

Spike's smile faded as a shaken Dawn entered his bedroom; she had been crying.He could tell; he could see the tear trails and she had a slightly salty scent over her. Her face turned falsely bright, however, when she caught sight of his hair. "Now that's the Spike I'm used to seeing!You even used gel!" Despite Dawn's obvious upset, Spike couldn't help but chuckle at her antics, and he answered her, rolling his eyes. "Yes, William the Bloody used hair gel on his newly bleached hair!" A teasing look came onto Dawn's face. "Good 'cause the other look sucked." Looking mock-offended Spike carefully growled and, grabbing her around the waist, brought her to the carpet.He pinned her down effortlessly, grinning at her small efforts to free herself. "You got one chance Niblet." Dawn broke into a fit of giggles and barely managed to get out a muffled sorry so Spike would gently let her go.

But as Dawn sat up and wiped the tears of laughter from her face it reminded him that she had been crying before, and not from laughter. "What happened Niblet, what did the Boy say?" "Xander, Spike.What Xander said, and he didn't really say anything." Spike shook his head and knelt down in front of her. "Nice try Niblet, this time tell me everything." Dawn nodded, her playful attitude dying and she began to explain about Willow; although Spike knew what had mostly gone on hearing an eyewitness account made it all the more horrific. "And then basically Xander had a go at Buffy saying she cared more aboutCaptain Peroxide than she did her best friend. Willow was supposed to come home today.She didn't show." Spike gathered Dawn into his arms and stroked her hair, he was lost deep in thought...

Willow unlocked the door. "HELLO?ANYONE HOME?BUFFY, DAWN?ANYONE?" Silence greeted her and, with a sinking heart, she placed her keys into her jacket pocket and made her way upstairs.She walked to Buffy's room. "Buffy?Buffy it's me.Buffy, you in there?" Gently, Willow slid the door open, but Buffy wasn't there, curiously though her bed looked like it had at least been rested on.Frowning slightly, Willow closed the door and tried Dawn's room. No such luck.No one was home; the darkness of the night felt like it was choking her, and before long deep cries began to choke her throat. She slid down, her back against the wall and hoarsely let the cries out; burying her face in her hands, her straight red hair gliding over them like a curtain.

It was the cries that woke him up.Awful cries, not he feared horribly, too unlike his own.His mind flitted backward and forward between Buffy and Dawn, a headache forming at what possible event could have brought one of his girls down like that. He got the shock of his undead life when he saw Willow there.

"Willow?" He whispered disbelievingly. At the sudden voice Willow's head shot up, her eyes widened when she saw Spike. "Spike?What are you doing here?Did Buffy let you in?" Spike smirked at her attempt to question his motives. "Don't think you're on any fit moral high ground to question me, Red." At the nickname his eyes squinted and then a playful gleam went through them. "Not black now then, I see." He suddenly looked towards the stairs. "OY BUFFY, WILLOW'S HERE!" Willow ran to the steps. She looked at the empty steps and then frowned darkly at Spike. "That wasn't funny." Spike looked at Willow's dark look in open confusion. "But look Red, she's right here."Whilst saying this he motioned to a random area just behind his shoulder.Tears collected in Willow's eyes and she found she suddenly wanted to be alone; she fled down the stairs ignoring Spike's shouts of 'Red'.

"Not black now then, I see." He suddenly looked towards the stairs. "OY BUFFY, WILLOW'S HERE!" Buffy bounded up the stairs, adrenaline rushing through her, only to meet a deserted corridor. She was about to look into the room behind Spike when she heard him speak again. "But look Red, she's right here." Buffy turned around and, to her utter confusion; Spike began to wave his hand in her direction.

"Spike?" Buffy whispered; worry slowly beginning to flood through her. "RED!OH RED, DON'T GO!LOOK'S SHE BLEEDING HERE!WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? CAN'T YOU SODDING SEE HER?"

Buffy lost it, enough was enough. "SPIKE!" Spike jumped a foot in the area and spun around to face her, he was clearly annoyed. "Spike, no one's here but you and me.Willow didn't show; I just called Giles." Spike pinched the bridge of his nose. "She was here Buffy, right there!Why can't you see her?She couldn't see you!You couldn't see her... AHA!" Buffy grasped him by the scruff of his neck and dragged him back into his room.Her eyes were furious. "Look; Dawn's trying to sleep out there so keep it quiet.Spike what an earth is going on?"

Spike just sniggered. "I'm a demon."

Buffy's face screwed up in annoyed confusion. "Yeah, point?"

Spike smirked even more broadly. "I'mimmune."

Buffy closed her eyes and gritted her teeth. "Immune to what?"

"Mind magic, to that interpretation Wicca stuff, we demons are immune.You're the Slayer but you're still human." Buffy let out a deep breath. "Where's all this going Spike?" Spike came right up close to her; he raised his right hand and gently rubbed down her cheek. "It means Luv..." his voice deep and husky. "That Willow's here, but 'cause she's cast some Wicca jumbo, it's affected your perception. Hers and yours.It's separated reality; you're both in the house but it's like you're in separate dimensions.I'm the only one that can see you both." Buffy shivered at the tone of his voice, and at how close their bodies were. "Go to sleep Spike." She told him before pushing him away and closing the door shut, her whole body, unbeknown to Spike, trembling.

Hope you liked it Please review


	7. Madness

**Madness?**

It was hard, Spike decided, it was hard to see everything.At the moment, both Willow and Buffy were standing right beside each other, their expressions were comically the same; wondering what the hell was going through his mind!Spike felt his temper snap and he realized he could tell them both at the same time, whilst still appearing to them, sane. "You can stop that right now."

"Stop what?" They both replied simultaneously, with exactly the same answer; it was Spike's agitation which stopped him laughing out loud, yet he couldn't stop his eyes from rolling to the ceiling. Spike pointed at the spot that, in his perception, was the small spot between them. "That look, I'M NOT MAD ALL RIGHT!" Buffy and Willow both came up to him and took a hand each; they rubbed their thumbs against his palm soothingly and Spike really realized the idiocy of the whole situation. At the same time they whispered to him the same words; it was lucky they were both standing in front of him, this way he could look at both of them. "You've been through a hard time; it's understandable that these events catch up with you sooner or later." Spike grew angrier by the minute and he shoved them away from him; Buffy regained her balance, but Willow's back hit the table and she banged her head on the wooden cupboard door.

Pain seared through his head and his hand flew to his temple as he groaned. Concern mixed with Buffy's anger at being so strongly pushed, she enquired, some what stiffly, if he was all right, whereas Willow huffed and muttered quite distinctly. "Serves you right." The situation was intolerable; neither girl believed him, and, as usual, he was taunted by seeing what others couldn't.

It was similar to when they had all witnessed Ben morph into Glory; he had been the only one who had remembered then, it had taken considerable effort to get them to believe and remember back then, right now he had enough on his plate.He felt suffocated and it occurred to him how long he had been inside Buffy's house, inside four walls. "I have to get out here." Willow and Buffy leapt to their feet and pointed to the same window. "Its light out there, not exactly welcome vampire conditions!" Spike growled as their actions paralleled each other again and decided if he couldn't go outside he would go to the one place he could have peace and quiet.The bedroom, the room he had been confined to for days now.He stomped upstairs and vowed the person who disturbed him would be incredibly sorry. Buffy and Willow muttered, "Stupid vampire" under their breaths and stepped outside. They hadn't spoken to Anya in a long while.

"Anya!" Anya turned around, her eyes widened as she saw Willow and Buffy approaching her. "Buffy?Willow?" Buffy nodded. "Yeah I know, she never showed.So do you think-" Anya cut her off, a confused expression marring her face. "Is this supposed to be a joke?" Buffy and Willow looked at her in dark confusion, both replying with a disdainful, "Hardly."

Anya abruptly stood up, she was about to walk back into the Magic Shop when Buffy grabbed her arm; Willow looked at Anya's stiff arm in confusion. "This isn't a joke, I can't find her." Anya wrenched her arm free, wildly she motioned to Willow. "SHE'S RIGHT THERE BUFFY!WILLOW'S BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME!YOU WERE WALKING TOGETHER!"

Then she pointed at Buffy. "WILLOW!BUFFY IS RIGHT HERE!FOR CHRIST SAKES!YOU TWO MAY HAVE THE TIME TO WASTE BUT I DON'T!" With that Anya stormed back into the shop. Buffy and Willow looked at the spot where Anya had pointed out to them, if Spike or Anya had seen them it would have looked like to them like they were looking at one another.

"Maybe Giles can help."

"What's going on?First Spike then Anya!Where is everyone?"

Buffy ran back home and stabbed in Giles' number. "Hello, Mr. Giles speaking." "Giles?" "Buffy?" "Yeah it's me." Buffy heard a groan come from the other end of the phone.

"What's happened now Buffy?"

"Giles, something strange is going on-"

"Isn't there always?"

"Giles, we didn't see Willow arrive at the airport, but then Anya said she was standing right next to me! Is it a spell or-"

"Nerves. Yes... nerves mixing with magic... unconscious magic-"

"Giles!Plain English please!"

"Very well in plain English; it is my belief that Willow's nerves about returning have mixed with her magic, causing her to unintentionally cast a spell of some kind, mostly likely a perception spell, which would explain why Anya is immune.Once Willow is reassured that she's welcome there the spell should wear off."

"He was right all along, Spike was right..."

"Sorry what?You were whispering I didn't catch it." Buffy's eyes widened at what she had almost done and hastily ended the call.

"Thanks Giles,we'll work on that." Now she had an apology to make.

"Spike?" A low growl told her he wanted to be left alone, but Buffy hated waiting to give apologies so she turned the door knob and stepped in. "Didn't you get the message?" Buffy slowly approached the agitated vampire. "Spike, you were right." A look of total confusion passed over Spike's face, and it took all of Buffy's willpower not to laugh at the adorable expression he was wearing. "I phoned Giles, you were right, Willow's muddled with our perception." "She's muddled with your perception…look Buffy, I've really recovered now."

An odd fear went through Buffy at those words, Spike could see it faintly in her eyes, and it confused him to no end.'Why should she be worried that it's time for me to go,' Spike pondered. 'Shouldn't she be ushering me out the door?' When he came out of his thoughts Buffy had a phlegmatic expression on her face and her green eyes had hardened. "If you want to leave you know where the door is." With that, Buffy slammed the door shut behind her before Spike even had a chance of replying. Tears, she found, were sliding down her face, she blankly raised a fingertip tip to her face and caught the wetness there, and she looked at it indifferently. Already with being faced with Spike's probable departure and she felt colder, deader.

Willow caught sight of Spike and bolted as fast as she could in his direction. "SPIKE!SPIKE, PLEASE WAIT!" Spike reacted instantly, hoping when he turned around he was going to be faced with Buffy; their departure had been an unpleasant one, the stony expression she had left him with seemed to burn him, once again he had done something terribly wrong, but for the life of him he couldn't begin to guess what it was he had done.Of course when he turned he was faced with Willow. "Spike you have to help me-" Spike chuckled, but it wasn't an amused chuckle. "Have to?I have to help you? Don't think it works that way Red." Willow's eyes darkened for a moment, and Spike couldn't help but want to take a few steps back; he didn't of course he was The Big Bad!But all the same, in that moment Spike had no trouble believing Willow had gone apocalyptic on them.

"I helped you, remember, quite a few occasions especially when you got that tracker shot into your back!" Spike made a grim expression at the memory and nodded. "All right Red, since we're such good friends..."

That seemed to bring Willow out of her dark mood and a sad look came into her eyes.

"I wish. Spike I haven't got anyone else, I don't have anywhere else to go." Spike could see Willow's eyes glittering suspiciously and he felt a great deal of empathy of her current position; he had been in it for years. "You'll be alright Red, got into a bad place but you'll get through it. Look Red, this problem, not being able to find Buffy or the gang it's just your magic playing up."

Willow looked at him deeply; Spike could tell he had her full attention. "You were nervous right?Did think they'd accept you...You got that so deeply ingrained into yourself your Magic when haywire and it's made it so they can't see you and you can't see them." Willow smiled grimly. "And it doesn't affect you or Anya because you're a demon." Spike's smug smile was answer enough, and Willow felt some pride for Spike, at times he seemed so knowledgeable, so insightful...

"So Mr.Insight any clues of ending the spell?" Spike just flashed a bit of fang at her. "It's all simple innit? You stop worrying and 'poof' spell's done." Willow frowned, and then again although insightful at some times, at others he was as helpful as a chocolate teapot.

"Oh yeah sure, I'll just switch off that emotional tap and presto spell finished!"

Spike abruptly stopped, he had walked but a few shops away from Buffy's house and now outside the Magic shop he was stuck, as bright rays shone down from the sky.He growled in annoyance and retraced to the carts and plunked himself down. "The way I see it Red you've got to have faith in your friends.You three have been through a lot, a hell of a lot, but you've always come through the other side.Buffy's not the most forgiving creature on this planet but she has compassion; she has a heart.You've got to bear yours and hope for forgiveness, if you deserve it you'll get it."

He turned to look at Willow directly, fierce conviction in his blue eyes. "And you deserve it alright."

Willow felt a warmth course through her, and a bright light flashed all around her and then nothing. She looked at herself and then at Spike. "Did it work?" "How the bleeding hell should I know?I could see you at the beginning!"

Just then Willow saw Xander and Anya step out of the shop, her eyes widened in joy and fear, fear for Spike, without second thought she threw herself at him, throwing her hair over the side of his face and kissing him as passionately as she could.It wasn't a minute too soon as Xander and Anya took that exact moment to look over at them. For a moment Xander was about to call Willow, but then he saw the woman was kissing a man, rather nicely as well...Willow was, as far as he knew, still attracted to women; he looked at the red haired women wistfully, and for a moment he had really thought it had been Willow.His grip on Anya's hand tightened. "Let's go Anya."

Once Willow was sure they were gone she pulled back, literally gasping for air.Even for a lesbian that had been hot, Spike was one hell of a kisser, and then again she supposed he had centuries of practice on his side…"Red?What just happened here?" Willow refocused on Spike,took one look at his swollen lips and burst out into hysterical laughter. "I'm sorry Spike-Xander and Anya- they were coming- couldn't let them see you." She got out in-between laughs; Spike just shook his head, his lips tugging into a smirk. "You know, for a lesbian, you kiss well Red." Willow felt her breath hitch at the low growl in his voice, and she smirked seductively. "Up for round two?"

Hey, just thought I'd make it clear Spike and Willow are just joking ! not going to turn into Spillow ! Let me know what you think in your review and I'll update soon !


	8. Second time lucky ?

**Second time lucky?**

When Dawn closed the front door behind her she noticed two things; one was that it was eerily quiet and the one thing you could count on with Spike was that unless he was sleeping, he wasn't quiet. The second was the lack of Spike's presence; that strong smell of leather, which seemed to have dominated the house since his arrival, wasn't there. Dawn felt her heart race and slowly, as if worried about what she'd find, she entered the living room. She found Buffy sat there, staring into the wall.

"Where's Spike?" "Spike is gone." Buffy replied tonelessly. Dawn frowned and rushed to her sister's side. "What do you mean he's gone?" her voice breaking slightly at the prospect. Buffy shot an angered look at her sister. "What do you think gone means?"

Dawn looked at her sister in open disgust. "He gave you everything and all this time, all this time you loved him! After everything you did to him! Insulting him, beating him down and all the time Spike never gave up on you! I'm not surprised he left." Buffy leapt to her feet. "He was only staying till he got better Dawn." Dawn shook her head.

"That's a lie and you know it, you do this to them all didn't you? You did it to Riley! He left, but you ran after him didn't you, eventually you ran." Tears collected and spilled down Buffy's cheeks. "It was too late." Dawn's disgust seemed to increase. "So now what? You're going make the same mistake again? He's given and given and all you've done is take Buffy, well its GIVE and take! It's time you GAVE HIM SOMETHING! NOW GO! Go after him, before you make the biggest mistake of your whole life."

Dawn could see energy in Buffy's eyes the realization. Dawn guessed the same look had been in her eyes when she had run after Riley.

Buffy ran down the streets; it was night and flashing lights distracted her, she suddenly realized with a sinking feeling she had no idea where to look. With Riley she had known where to go, now she was running blindly, hoping that sometime along the way she stumbled into him. Tears slid down her cheeks as she continued to run her fastest.

"Thank you Spike, for everything. I don't think I could have broken the spell without you." Spike grinned shyly, but his appreciation was there, it was reflected in his blue eyes. "Yeah well, you hero types always do work everything out in the nick of time." Spike commented dryly. Willow looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I wouldn't call myself the hero type." Spike favored her with a smile, "Yeah well, don't think any of us really knows who we are, not till it matters..." Willow looked at him warmly. "That's smart." Willow said, unknowingly ghosting Dawn's own words to him, back when she had really admired him, and, he remembered with a flattered smirk, she'd had a crush on him. But then the love of the thought seemed to betray him because suddenly the happy warmth turned into hateful pain.

Willow wiped the tears Spike had unknowingly spilt; taking his head she gently pulled him down and kissed his cheek. "You don't have to leave Spike." Spike smiled warmly at her. "Yeah I do, I can't have what I want from Buffy. What I want I can never have; if I stay she'll bleeding kill me. Kill everything I am, though it's not like she hasn't done that already. I'm a shell Red; I have to get out before I become even more of one."

Willow nodded, but sad tears were forming in her eyes. Spike looked at her in awe.

"Hey come on Red, what happened to the days Xander used to plot with you a thousand ways of staking me." Willow laughed, but it was sad. "I'll miss you Spike." Spike smirk and outstretched his arms, he indicated his chest with his head. "You've already snogged me Red, for old time's sake."

Willow wrapped her arms around his neck, and breathed in his scent as his strong arms came around her. She had forgotten what it was like to have a strong man hold her like Spike was. She felt unbelievably soft lips plant a heartbreakingly tender kiss on her cheek; and a soft voice whisper in her ear. "Till the next apocalypse."

And then he was gone. Disappeared into the night with nothing to suggest he had been there at all.

Buffy continued to run; she wasn't in town now, she was by some mountains. She knew pretty soon she was going to end up leaving Sunnydale altogether and then she would have to face the fact that he was gone. "SPIKE! SPIKE PLEASE!! SPIKE!" She thought she sensed him and ran blindly in that direction, despite the ground being sandy.

"SPIKE PLEASE, IF YOU'RE THERE PLEASE WAIT!" Buffy finally lost her balance and fell tremendously down rolling and skidding down the sand before finally throwing herself forward and landing down still on the sand. "Spike please..." Buffy cried desperately, as all her energy left her. "I want you..." Buffy whispered, as her eyes began to droop, and a familiar figure stood in front of her.

Hey ! Hope you liked the chapter, please review and i'll update soon !

Regards

Lisi the slayer


	9. Second time lucky Part Two

**Second time lucky?**** Part Two**

Buffy looked up to see Angel; she could have cried out in disappointment. She hastily forced herself to her feet, vehemently not wanting his touch.Angel had a slightly wary expression on his face, and Buffy knew her anger was irrational, but at this moment she really didn't care; at the moment Buffy wanted nothing more but to stake him there and now, simply for being himself, and not being Spike...

"Er…Buff?Look I need to show you something." Buffy looked at him uninterested. "And I've got a lover to find, so..." She watched in uncharacteristic satisfaction as hurt flickered through his brown eyes. "What's Captain Peroxide got that I ain't, huh?" The satisfied look fell from Buffy's face, her green eyes narrowed, not liking Angel's mischievous smirk.

"How do **you** know about Spike?" Angel smiled, but it was evil, he looked more like Angelus. "Oops, guess I gave too much away." Buffy felt alarm rush through her. "Who are you?What are you?" Angel chuckled humourlessly. "So many questions, so little answers."

Buffy charged at him, but she just hit the sand.She leapt to her feet, confused as to how he had managed to side step her attack.It took her awhile to realize Angel was gone; she was about to leave when Spike suddenly appeared on his knees in front of her. His hair was badly ruffled and messy, his naked chest was adorned in purple and black bruises, and when he lifted his head, she saw he had a right black eye and a badly spilt lip.

"B-Buffy!" Spike rasped his voice weak, Buffy felt herself shake. "Stop it.Stop being him." Spike looked at her imploringly.

"Luv? Buffy?" Buffy was trembling violently, tears streamed down her face.

"Don't cry Luv, I'm not worth it." Buffy felt herself fall to her knees. "S-Spike?" Buffy asked disbelievingly, but with a tremor of hope in her voice. Spike's face twisted into a cruel smirk, and when he spoke it was Angel's voice. "You never learn Buffy. You hurt me, you sent me to hell, then you broke Spike, and thanks to you he's in his own virtual hell.But he deserves it doesn't he, after all 'he's dead inside', 'there's nothing good in him';'He's a thing'." Buffy shook her head, the guilt over her words was overpowering. "The world would be a better place with you dead in it." Buffy closed her eyes and shook her head, trying to block out the words._** 'It's not Spike, it's not him.Christ that's not even his voice!' **_

Screaming made Buffy open her eyes.Spike was squirming on the sand, screaming.Buffy instantly forgot it wasn't Spike, her nose and eyes were running. "Oh Spike, thank God!" She went to wrap her arms around him, but once again she met face first with the sand.Buffy pulled herself to her feet, her emotions spent.Angel looked at her lovingly, but when he spoke, a deep English voice came out. "Later Luv." And just like that he vanished, leaving a numb Buffy to walk back to Sunnydale.Alone.

How many of you thought it was actually Angel ?! Anyhow please review and I'll update asap


	10. What it is to forgive

**What it is to forgive** Buffy walked numbly down the familiar streets of Sunnydale as odd things were reminding her of Spike.She passed a public phone and a distinct memory of Spike's phone call, when she had been bored out of her mind in the Magic Shop, came flooding back to her.She chuckled slightly as she wondered just how Spike had got the money to phone her, knowing him he probably hadn't come upon it by chance, or found it lying around. **'Lying around.'**

Flickers of their various encounters exploded in front of her.She'd had her fair share of lying around; coming back had screwed her up badly.She couldn't fathom now where she had got such a despicable sense of supremacy, and the belief that she had a right to Spike's body, to his heart if she so wished...Tears trailed down her face, but she ignored every single concerned face that passed her by, she didn't deserve their concern.She saw a deserted house; closer inspection revealed it was **the** deserted house.The first time…first time she and Spike had…they had **'a bloody revelation!' **Buffy laughed at first as Spike's voice filled her head, but then it turned into a cry.Not knowing the reason but accepting the comfort the house seemed to be bringing her, she ran into the house.It was just as they had left it; the hole in the floor and everything.

Buffy immediately jumped down the hole that her and Spike's combined force had made and allowed herself to finally break down in the dark.To her dismay, she found she could not.Bitter self-hatred seeped through her until she heard a soft voice, "Buffy?Is that you?"

Buffy's eyes hardened, she wiped her face with the back of her arm and when Spike walked into the light she shot him a look of disgust; ignoring the broken look that went through his blue eyes. "Get out," her voice dangerous and left no room for argument.

Spike raised his hands up in surrender, slowly approaching. "Let me explain, alright?" Buffy lost it, losing Spike had torn her heart out, and she didn't need some incorporeal ghost-demon-thingy torturing her further with this imitation. "OHH!BLOODY HELL! LEAVE OFF THE SODDIN' NOSE SLAYER!" Buffy froze. "You're corporeal?" Spike looked at her like she had gone insane. "Well yeah!"

"You're real!"

"As real as I ever was, look Buffy what's-" Spike was cut off as Buffy suddenly threw herself at him, her lips meeting his hungrily. He could feel hunger coming off her in waves. He abruptly pushed her off.Buffy was about to feel hurt, but then she saw the fear screaming in his eyes.And then she saw the extent of the damage she had done.

"Buffy I'm leaving. I'm here because I couldn't leave you like that. Not without a goodbye, you deserve that much."

Buffy shook her head, but Spike was by the exit. "I FORGIVE YOU!!!" she had meant to say 'I love you' but somehow those words hadn't come out.She saw Spike's back stiffen, and she heard distinct sniffing.

"I'm in trouble Buffy. Something's been controlling me, making me see things, do things." He let out a broken sigh.

"I'm in trouble Buffy."

Spike then fell to the floor, his back pressed against the wall, his face pained.Buffy fell to her knees in front of him.

"I can help you," she told him softly, her face full of conviction. Spike looked up at her, a look of shock on his face.But then he fiddled with his hands.

"No, not after…I could never ask."

Buffy smiled. "It's different, you're different."

Spike's broken reply didn't change. "I could never ask."

Buffy spoke with more conviction. "Spike it's me.It's you and it's me and we'll get through this…we'll get through this."

Buffy put a hand onto the side of his face, and as if unworthy or honouring Spike leaned into her palm and drooped his head. Buffy gently nudged him, and Spike moved his face upwards, tears sliding down his face.

"I meant it Spike.I forgive you, for everything." With that, slowly, she leaned forward her eyes never leaving his until they drew shut and she kissed him tenderly, and for the first time, lovingly.

**Sorry for the wait! Please review and I'll try to update ****quicker !**


	11. Demons and Angels

**Demons and Angels**

Buffy didn't think anyone was capable of showing such raw emotion, but the proof was right in front of her. Spike had a look of awe on his face, and yet awe wasn't quite the right word; then again a word big enough to describe Spike's emotions and do them justice, didn't exist. Buffy reached out to touch his face, but his eyes halted her hand, her fingertips were inches from his face.

His eyes held the look of a small frightened animal that had been pushed into a corner and had no means of escape.

"I really hurt you didn't I?"

Indignation flashed briefly in his eyes, yet his tone was soft in answering.

"That you did pet, you'll never know how much."

Buffy closed her eyes in shame, and she could feel a familiar burning in her eyes, the burning that came before the tears.

"And yet, you're too good for this world."

Buffy shook her head and her eyes flashed, an emotion that was so strong it almost looked like malice, malice of the high pedestal Spike always placed her upon. Then again being told continually that he was a thing and that he was beneath her had made it, perhaps, inevitable.

"I'm no angel Spike, I'm not perfect, and I'm nowhere near it. I'm the Slayer; I kill demons, and vampires," at this she allowed an amused smile grace her features, "at least most of them, and because of that I save lives. Spike, I used to be so righteous, all out for the fight because it was the right thing to do. Dying, going to heaven, being torn out of there, and being brought back changed me for the worse. I felt such anger, such seething anger that I had been brought out of paradise; all I wanted to do was die.

" I just wanted to die, and then you came back to me. For being un-dead, you are like the epitome of life. I was furious; I couldn't see why I had to go round like some demented zombie, when you got to strut around without a care in the world. I looked into your eyes and I saw life, Spike. I saw life and I wanted it. Kissing you, having sex with you, it felt like some small part of that life left you and came into me.

"And I loved it, I went back for more, and more, I wanted it all. I wanted to be the one brimming with life; I wanted you to be the empty one, the dead one. But then I saw it, I saw it happen, each time I left you, I saw you dying in front of me. I felt disgusted with myself, and then Riley, how he belittled you, made you out to be the filthy one of us, the tainted one, when all along it was me.

"When I came back to you, I looked into your eyes and you looked dead, and I hated it. I hated myself for succeeding in dragging you down with me. In a truly twisted way, breaking up with you was me trying to save you; my way of saving you from the monster I had become."

Silence descended upon them; neither Spike nor Buffy had a clue as to what to say until,

"You're not a monster Buffy, you're human. That's something we're all guilty of."

He paused and laughed bitterly.

"Or were guilty of."

That did it. Something inside Buffy broke at seeing such a confident man fall to pieces in front of her. She threw herself, and him, against a wall, and with his back firmly against it, she kissed him heatedly. She ignored Spike's attempts of pushing her away, and bit his bottom lip in punishment. Spike groaned in pain and pleasure as her bite caused his lip to bleed and the blood caused his demon to take over. Buffy briefly left his lips, she could sense the demon coming and she was determined to show Spike she cared for all of him.

"It's ok Spike." Spike needed no further encouragement, he vamped out, and Buffy's eyes brightened in approval.

"Bite me. Angel's gone. I want his mark off me."

Spike looked at her calculatingly for a moment, then something flashed in his golden eyes and he dipped down. Buffy moaned before he even touched her neck. His sensuous lips worshipped her skin, his tongue licked it, its coldness soothing her heated skin and gently drawing the blood closer to the surface. He paused briefly; until Buffy moaned and his fangs sunk into her neck.

Flashes, no not flashes, memories. A blonde girl, after his leaving attempt had failed…kissing, biting, turning, and burying!

Spike was screaming without realizing it, and he backed away from Buffy in horror; he could feel the young girl now, he could remember her. Her soul was torturing his with the added weight of the already heavy guilt.

"Spike!"

"I've killed, and I can feel them. I can feel every single one of them; now her!"

"Spike, please, what's going on?"

"I DON'T REMEMBER! Please don't make me remember!"

Buffy rushed to his side.

"Something's controlling me, brainwashing me, making me kill people!"

Spike's hysterical tirade suddenly trailed off and he met her eyes, suddenly very determined.

"Buffy, you have to kill me; you have to kill me before I get out."

Buffy shook her head equally determined.

"NO, you don't understand Spike."

"NO you don't understand. Do you have any idea what I'm capable of?"

Buffy's eyes hardened her tone frosty. "Oh believe me I know exactly what you're capable of."

"NO! You got off easy Buffy, you've never met the real me. Have you ever asked yourself why you can never do it, top me off? After everything I've done to you, to the people around you? It's not love, we both know that. You like men who hurt you, you need us, need the pain we cause you to do your job, to be the Slayer."

Buffy shook her head, her eyes flashing with resolve.

"I don't hate like that, not anymore, not you, not myself. You're not alive because of hate or suffering, you're alive because I saw you change, and I saw your repentance."

Spike growled andseized her arms tightly.

"Window dressing!"

Buffy pushed his hands off her, her tone heavy with scorn.

"It'd be easier wouldn't it, if it were all an act? But it's not, you found the monster inside you and you fought back. You risked everything to be a better man! And you can be."

Buffy raised his face up and gently caressed it.

"You are. You may not see it, but I do."

"Buffy…"

"I believe in you Spike."

Buffy stated firmly, her eyes literally glittering with the truthfulness in her statement. Spike looked at her in awe, before there was a huge crash, and then the tune of a very familiar song…

Hey sorry for the gap, what do you think !!!


	12. The First

**The First**

"Come on Spike, wake up for me!" 

Even on the edge of consciousness Spike could never deny Buffy, and at her voice, he forced his eyes open. His happiness in that instant was abruptly cut to an end. 

"Was I too hard on you baby?" Buffy asked him. 

He could hear the deep concern in her voice, but it didn't reach her eyes; her eyes didn't look a bit sorry. It was then that he fully realized that something was seriously wrong. He suddenly became aware of the restraining sensation that pulsed unpleasantly through his arms. He gave them an experimental tug and realized they had been cuffed by thick leather straps to a wooden X, as had his ankles. 

"Are those uncomfortable Spike?" Buffy asked in that same concerned voice, but by now Spike knew it wasn't as real as it appeared. 

"You're not Buffy." 

He stated calmly, trying not to be affected by the hurt that quickly filled those all-to familiar green eyes. Buffy came right up to him then and kneeled beside him. She was so close he could almost touch her, but she made no effort to touch him. Her eyes gave off a calculating glint and she smiled. 

"You know that actually hurt." Buffy said as her hand flew over her heart. "After all we've been through, after I spared you, fed you, washed you even." 

Spike snarled. It had been intolerably embarrassing for him at the time, or at least when he was fully coherent. It was, in fact, what drove him to his brief comatose state, and to hear it brought up again, with her voice none too gently mocking him was enough to drive his demon wild. Pretending to be Buffy was sure not going to help this, demon creature, whatever it was, when he got free. 

"Ew! Ew Spike! Vampire phlegm!" She whined and wiped her arm over face.

"That is no way to treat a lady William, or have you forgotten?" 

Spike snarled even more viciously as his human name was brought up and Buffy backed off laughing. Unbeknown to Spike, shadows began to slowly gather towards them. 

"Ok enough of this, it's time you stopped playing Spike." Spike snorted in disbelief. 

"I've got to stop playing? I'm not the one imitating the Slayer and prancing around like some giant poof, luv." 

Buffy's face darkened for a moment, before it brightened eerily. 

"Who said I was an imitation? No Spike, you're playing this little reformed vampire act! It's sickening and that's all it is Spike, an act. You're not reformed; you have more than two centuries worth of blood on your hands. You think you can ever make up for that?" 

Buffy asked her tone incredulous. "It's time you accepted once and for all what you are, what you always will be, a Master vampire, a Master killer." 

Her voice, full of such conviction, cut deeply into Spike. "I thought you understood, you know. I thought you knew but you're just like her. It's not about good or evil, it's about power. Power Spike and we have that. You've played your little reformed game, you touched your loved one's heart but it's time to stop pretending. There's a war coming and you know it. You can feel it in your veins, feel it rushing through your body you know what's coming. It's time you took your place." 

Buffy moved up to his face, her fingers ghosting down the side of it. Though she didn't actually touch him, he shuddered all the same.

"Join me Spike. I need you." Buffy whispered her voice full of sincerity. 

Spike closed his eyes and Buffy smiled wickedly at the struggle that appeared clearly on his face, but her smile fell at his words. 

"Luv…get bent." 

It was then that the shadows fully emerged. They weren't shadows at all; they were Bringers, the ones who had brought Spike to his captivation in the basement of the school in the first place. Sensing more company, Spike's eyes opened warningly. His anxiety increased as a look of pity covered Buffy's face.

"I guess you need more persuading. You're going to wake up a friend of mine Spike. He'll show you what a true vampire looks like." 

Like a swarm of flies, the bringers descended upon him, tearing his blue top from his chest, ignoring Spike's furious growls and snarls. 

"Then again, I like this plan better; you look great with your shirt off." 

The look of pure hunger Buffy sent him caused all the blood to flow down to Spike's groin till he frantically reminded himself that this couldn't possibly be Buffy. He needn't have bothered as a deep sharp sword with a print at its blade, ruthlessly cut into his stomach. The sudden pain made Spike choke on his own scream, as a strangled noise tore through his throat. He scarcely had time to recover as another sword with another print slashed through him and Spike cried out without restraint. 

Betrayal, despite his belief that it wasn't Buffy flooded his eyes, and he looked brokenheartedly at her. 

"Oh don't look at me that way. It's your fault. All you had to was join the winning side, but no you had to be the stupid stubborn vampire you are. Oh perfect, you're ready." 

Suddenly his cross was pulled into the air and he was outstretched over a most peculiar symbol on the basement floor, that he realized must have been dug up whilst he had been out of it. Spike hissed in pain as blood flowed in a continuous stream from his wounds and directly onto the symbol. Spike felt sure he had seen that symbol before but the pain stopped his mind from working clearly. A white light began to shine from the symbol and to his horror, the lines that had looked like a trap door moved apart, confirming it was exactly that. A horrible snarl came from the darkness and as Spike's vision blurred from his blood loss he saw a truly monstrous creature rise up, a true vampire. 

"B-Buffy," Spike whispered weakly before his whole body went limp, and the wooden cross creaked at the sudden dead weight. 

"Bring him down; Spike has a friend to meet."

Sorry for the wait, what do you think ?


	13. Spike's Devotion

**Spike's Devotion**

"I thought I'd lost you."

Spike laughed tenderly, and, as if she were something precious, he cradled her cheek.

"You'd have to go to Hades and beyond pet, to even have a chance of losing me."

Buffy launched herself onto his lips and they kissed hungrily, their hands ran up and down each other. This was the most intimate they had been since he had 'returned'. Eventually Buffy had to breathe and, panting harshly against his now bruised lips, she withdrew.

Spike shuddered, as his unnecessary breaths came in quick short stabs. He longed to tell her, to tell her he loved her, since he had gotten his soul back those words had gotten stuck in his throat, and now he longed, more than ever to let them out. Spike sighed, as once again the words became lodged in his throat and he looked up into her eyes, trying to convey all his love through his gaze, but then her expression changed. It changed from tender and loving to suddenly calculating and oddly manipulative.

"Dreaming of me again, aren't you?"

Spike jolted and hissed in pain as his head slammed into the hard rock behind him as a result of his wakening. He let out a disoriented growl and tugged at the leather straps that bound him, but his arms were securely held upwards, and the leather didn't give at all.

Buffy smiled seductively.

"Poor Spike, he still thinks I believe in him. Be realistic, I don't even believe in myself. At least not enough to risk my skin, to save your ass. Not enough to face that."

The Turok-Han suddenly emerged from the shadows, a truly demonic creature, whose jaws snapped viciously and when it laid its black eyes on Spike a horrible skin crawling growl came forth from the creature. It began to approach, but a sharp look from Buffy had it retreating instantly into the shadows.

"I'm sorry Spike. But you need to accept this. You know it would never have worked out. It's time to let go so we can both move on. I promise, soon it'll be..."

Buffy paused, her eyes widening in bittersweet astonishment. Spike had his eyes closed and was desperately whispering something to himself. If she had been the real Buffy, the tone Spike was using would have broken her heart.

"She...She..."



Buffy slowly walked closer to him, intrigued to find out what he was so ardently whispering to himself.

"She will come for me. She...will come for me."

Buffy smiled, moved despite herself, by the creature's utter devotion to the Slayer, his unshakeable belief that she would save him. She moved her fingers as close to his skin as she could and very comfortingly trailed them down the side of his face, a sigh escaped Spike's face and his blue eyes flew open. He started to say something but Buffy's slender finger in front of his lips silenced him. Buffy looked straight into his eyes with her deadly cold stare.

"No. I won't."

"BUFFY! Oh my god what happened?"

Willow practically screamed at her, as she winced through the door.

"Bringers happened. They took Spike."

Willow's face paled.

"But how? I mean you and Spike? -"

" There were millions Willow. I've never seen so many at one time. I couldn't fight them all. I woke up on the floor and Spike was gone."

Willow took Buffy into her arms as she wailed out the last sentence.

"Do you love him?"

Buffy stiffened in her arms.

"I feel for him."

Willow pulled Buffy away from her for a moment and met her gaze squarely.

"Feel what exactly?"

Irritation began to colour Buffy's eyes and she pushed away from Willow.

"I don't know. I really don't know. All I know is that Spike's in trouble. Big trouble and I have to help him."

Willow nodded, deciding that pursuing the topic at this point would do no good. Buffy was about to speak again when a knock sounded heavily at their door. For a moment, Buffy's heart was in her throat.

"Spike?"

She whispered. Had he some how saved himself? Though deep down she knew he hadn't she couldn't help but hope as she opened the door. Who it actually was, was still a great surprise.

"Giles?"

"Buffy, I came as soon as I could."

He wasn't alone; three girls huddled behind him, looking distinctly anxious. Buffy's eyes widened.

"Giles, who are they?" "They're potentials Buffy. Potential Slayers."

**Sorry for the wait! Please tell me what you think of the story so far !!**

**Lisi the slayer**


	14. The Lure of the Darkside

The Lure of the Dark-Side

**The Lure of the Dark-Side**

"Unconscious may do it for some people, but I prefer my hostages awake."

Spike grimaced as he slowly came to; he frowned even more as soft fingertips gently ran over his forehead causing the creases to disappear.

"Wakey wakey Spike. It's ok the First has gone, for now."

"F-Faith?"

"Right you are Spike; it's the bad ass Slayer to the rescue!"

She laughed into his ear, as she straddled him and settled herself down into his bent knees, her arms wrapped around his neck.

"Ah, so the First's gone to the other Slayer. Can't get the proper Slayer so it reaches for the-"

Faith viciously slapped him across the cheek; cutting his head open on the hard rock he was bound to.

"B ain't the only Slayer round here, not anymore. I'm just as good as she ever was... or will be..."

Spike snorted, the pain pulsing in his head not allowing a scathing remark, but things took an interesting turn when Faith offered him her pale neck.

"You're almost out for the count sweetness, and I can't have that..."

Spike growled as Faith's arms tightened around his neck and her offered neck moved closer, but before she did anything else she shot him a warning look.

"Don't be an idiot Spike, I'm the one in control here, you even think about tryin to kill me and I'll make the Turok-han look like an over-grown puppy. Now drink."

Spike growled, but he couldn't deny that his injuries could do with some Slayer blood in order to heal, so with a final feral growl he sunk his fangs into her throat, tearing the delicate skin apart and making it as painful as he could, though it didn't have the desired effect.

Faith started grinding against him, panting harshly against his cheek, he could smell her arousal and it sickened him, but the sweet, potent nectar that was Faith's blood poured thickly into his mouth and he couldn't help but suck for more. He absently felt Faith's fingers begin to run through his hair, and when her fingers accidentally brushed close to where he had cut his scalp he growled in disapproval, and bit even deeper, causing Faith to groan. Spike thought perhaps she was so far gone in her arousal that he could rip her throat open and it wouldn't stop her.

She yanked her neck back, causing rivets of blood to trail down from her neck to her breasts.

"Like it rough huh William the Bloody?"

She whispered to him seductively, when all at once she seized his face with two hands and clasped her mouth over his. She was animalistic, tearing his lips open with her teeth like a savage animal, Spike struggled as best he could, eventually straightening his lap and kicking her hard, away from him.

"You're like the fire, you burn."

Spike purred his eyes bright with desire, as he mewled for her at the back of his throat. Faith regarded him and slowly re-approached, she caressed the side of his face, and let Spike suck on her finger as she passed it down his lips.

"You're beautiful."

Faith breathed, and Spike quirked an eyebrow.

"I think that's my line isn't it pet?"

"After all this time, after how you've pined for her, how could she refuse you? You deserve so much more Spike, and when this battle is over there's gonna be a new world. A world where the outsiders like you and me, are the ones that belong. B, and her stupid gang with their precious rules and their holier-than-thou Council, they'll be the ones below us."

A smirk wormed its way onto Spike's face, and Faith could see the approval in his eyes.

"Well, can't very well do anything strung up like this can I?"

Spike purred suggestively, his eyes skimming over her neck and breasts. Faith let out a low growl before retrieving an axe and lunging at the leather straps.

Spike forced himself to remain still and calm, but as the first strap fell loose it became even harder to control the overwhelming urge of his desire. At last with a final strike from Faith, the last leather strap came free and Spike lunged at her.

At first Faith squealed in delight, but then a calculated flash went through Spike's blue eyes and he punched her with all his strength, right between the eyes. Realization stung Faith and she kicked him high into the air.

"You damn vampire!"

She yelled at him, running to him to finish him off and tie him up again. Spike sprung to his feet and smirked y as he dodged her blow and landed one perfectly himself.

"You say it like it's a bad thing,"

He sneered, until Faith clumsily launched a stake at him. As Spike jumped upwards to avoid being staked it cut right through his stomach and into intestines. Tears sprang into Spike's eyes but he laughed through the pain and viciously struck against her right temple and watched as she fell to the ground. She went limp and Spike allowed himself a small smirk at his victory, before laughing weakly as he pulled the stake out. He forced his protesting limbs forward and staggered half naked out of the cave...

Buffy sat alone in the cool sand. She could remember the last time she was here, when she'd had her first encounter with The First...

"Spike..."

Buffy whispered, and a gust of wind gently blew across her, but as the wind passed she caught a familiar scent. She sprung up immediately and began running into the middle of nowhere. That had been Spike's scent, she would recognize it anywhere.

"SPIKE! SPIKE PLEASE! IT'S BUFFY!"

She roared as loud as she could, although only silence greeted her. Something inside of her had broken and nothing in the world could have stopped her from propelling onwards at that moment, even though all that lay ahead was the dark wilderness.

It felt like she had been running for hours, and as the trees thickened, the moonlight became dimmer, and she could barely see what was in front of her. In an exhausted and mournful cry she fell to her knees. Then, through a small opening in the trees, a shard of moonlight illuminated another fallen figure...

Hey ! Hope you liked this chapter, I promise though that all there are many similarities between this story and the orginal I will make it different. Please review and I'll update asap!

Lisi the slayer


	15. Facing the Gang

Facing the Gang

**Facing the Gang**

Buffy froze for less than a millisecond before, with renewed energy, his name ripped from her throat and she was beside the fallen figure in an instant. Spike's closed his eyes and frowned, just as he thought he'd been doing all right! But no he had to have that little rest didn't he! And now the First had found him again and in no time he was going to have a mighty angry Slayer at his back, most likely with something exceedingly painful.

"You win alright? You don't have to gloat...you don't have to be her!"

Spike gritted out despairingly, his arm protectively obscuring his eyes.

"Spike? Spike what are you-"

"Stop it! Just stop it; you've got your bleeding message out... She ain't coming I know that! (Spike's voice broke suddenly as the realization began to fully hit him.) Fancy words was all, words I wanted hear, words I needed to hear. You! You've shown me she doesn't mean 'em and I know that! I've always known it, known she'll never love me, she's never believed in me. I know so you can stop being her! You can just stop..."

Buffy just sat there as Spike finally fell silent and laid still, but even in his silence, she could pick up so much emotion from him; his erratic breathing, and deep sighs that ached of bitter disappointment. She looked at him and tried to think of what to say, how to convince him that all he'd said wasn't true that she wasn't The First, and that she did believe in him, she really did! But it was no use, now that she actually thought about what she felt for him she felt the familiar confusion take hold.

She had been so sure back in the house, but now all she knew was that there was a connection; something that ran deep within them and pulled them towards each other with unimaginable force. It forcefully entwined their lives together, and she knew she was thankful for it. She knew she cared deeply for him, she knew that without him as the constant thing in her life she would break down. She needed him, needed him like she needed oxygen to breathe, but that didn't mean she loved him.

"Shouldn't your cronies be here by now? Awfully quiet?"

An edge of doubt entered Spike's voice, as he finished his query, he slowly he moved his arm away, immediately looking Buffy straight in the eyes. A look of painful confusion came upon Spike's face, and she could see through his eyes that he was searching her own desperately, trying to find something he obviously saw in her.

Gently, and watching his face pay attention to her every move, she gently placed her warm hand over his heart.

"It's me Spike."

She whispered tenderly, her eyes full of sincerity, as she smiled reassuringly at him. Spike let out a low chuckle, and winced as he pushed himself up into a sitting position. Faith's blood had healed his intestines, but the wound was still pretty deep, Buffy's eyes flickered over it, and she carefully pulled out a wooden splinter.

Eyes fresh with worried tears flickered back to his immediately, she looked spooked.

"A stake? It could have- "

Spike placed a hand over her hand that held the small splinter.

"But it didn't, I'm ok Buffy."

Buffy nodded, her teeth bit her bottom lip for a while, before she nodded again and pulled Spike to his feet. He sagged against her, and against her better nature, she laughed as Spike struggled to walk without support.

"You can lean on me you know, all that Slayer strength comes in handy."

Spike favoured her with a sad sort of smile, and draped a weary arm over her shoulders, Buffy felt an inner heat warm her at his touch, and she leant her head back into his arm, pleasure written all over her features.

During the walk there had been nothing but Spike to Buffy, but as she saw the Summers' house realization that there were Potential Slayers and the rest of the gang inside, made her wish Spike still had his crypt. Come to think about it...

"What ever happened to your crypt?"

Spike looked at her in confusion, his obvious fatigue weighing on him.

"My what?"

A shot of hope went through Buffy, and she hoped nothing drastic had happened, nothing more drastic than her and Riley blowing it up.

"Your crypt?"

To Buffy's bewilderment, a wounded look went through Spike's eyes, and his tone became colder and biting.

"Oh so that's how it is, all warm and cuddly whilst your injured and far from home but as soon as you-"

Buffy shook her head at Spike's rant.

"That's not what I meant! Look, only me, Dawn and Willow know you're back. The rest of the gang, as far as they're concerned you're lost in the Outer Hebrides! Giles is back, and Xander's going to be there! Both of them are crazy mad at you, and to top it all of Giles brought a bunch of Potential Slayers with him!"

Spike shook his head, as he sucked in his cheeks and eventually moved away from her.

"Crypt got taken, some little blighter caught the opportunity you see and decided to make a nest. Look, don't worry about it, it's only a little fledging, I'll help you slay it and get my crypt back in the process. Everyone's happy!"

But Spike's tone had a touch of hysteria in it as he said 'happy', and Buffy knew that they'd be anything but.

"Spike, stop. They're going to find out you're back whether you stay here or not. It's my house, I say who stays and who goes, and besides after everything, you pretty much live in Mom's bed."

Spike nodded, and with a united front they opened the door.

Several greetings came one after the other. Buffy stepped in first, and a warm chorus of greeting filled the living room, but as soon as Spike walked in, the atmosphere quickly changed. Xander and Giles quickly rose to their feet, their faces murderous. Anya, meanwhile, watched amused, not bothering to say one way or another how she felt about Spike's return. Willow however leapt from the sofa and gave him an impulsive hug. Spike emitted a low groan as he warmly returned the hug, but his groan made Willow pull back immediately. Her eyes were wide with concern.

"You're hurt?"

Spike waved his hand in an off-hand manner.

"Doesn't matter Red, I'd wager that's the least of my problems."

"You're bloody right it is!"

Giles growled out.

"It is beyond me how you can even be here! How you can even stand in Buffy's presence after knowing what you did! I have half a mind to finish you off myself!"

Buffy pushed Spike behind her as Giles approached them.

"Stop it Giles, that's not what either of us want."

The room froze, the Potential Slayers looked amongst themselves in obvious confusion, Dawn looked torn between tears and putting on a brave face, and Willow had joined Buffy in protecting Spike.

"He's a changed man Giles, Xander... XANDER!"

Xander lunged at Spike with a stake, and it was only Willow's impulsive magic that stopped Spike from becoming a pile of dust. Buffy punched Xander hard in the nose, feeling satisfied, as blood poured down his face.

"If you ever, if anyone ever, tries to stake Spike again I will stop you. I'll do whatever it takes. I'm not asking for you to forgive Spike, in fact I'm not asking anything, I'm _**telling**_ you, that if you want to remain in this house then you have to accept him, 'cause I'll throw any if you out, anyone, even you guys."

She stated coldly to Xander and Giles who stood nearby anger still evident on their faces.

"OH MY GOD! It's you!"

A deeper but still definitely female, rich voice suddenly shouted, and a pale girl rose from the crowd of Potential Slayers, she was looking fixedly at Spike, who looked mystified and he cocked an eyebrow.

"How do you-"

" That looks nasty, "

she stated, before concentrating on the wound, muttering a few words incoherently, and in a flick of her right hand Spike's skin knotted it's self together again until it was flawless. Deadly silence descended upon the Summers' household, and now everyone was staring wide-eyed at the mysterious girl.

"You're a witch? A witch and a Potential Slayer?"

Willow breathed.

The girl shook her head, her long shiny black hair swung slightly at the ends, and she moved to Spike. She looked deep into his blue eyes and she knew immediately that he was the one. The one who had changed her life forever.

"Hello Sire."

**Hey! I know there are tones of potential slayers, but I'm not including every single one so consider her as a replacement for one them. Hope you liked this chapter!**

**Lisi the slayer**


	16. Anna Taylor

**Anna Taylor**

"But how? When did your chip stop working?"

Giles asked, his face a mask of confusion.

"I didn't know it had."

Spike replied, carefully neutrally.

"One way to find out..."

His Childe suddenly spoke up, causing suspicious eyes to fall harshly upon her.

"Oh come on! It's obvious isn't?! Spike needs to hit someone, then if his chip goes off..."

She trailed off, she couldn't say anymore. If the chip was still working, something she knew nothing about apart from her own assumptions, she had no idea how Spike could have sired her, but she was sure that Spike was her Sire.

An evil glint passed through Spike's eyes, and a smirk of retribution formed on his face as his eyes landed on Xander.

"All right then! You think you can take it whelp?"

Spike sneered at Xander, flexing his muscles as he did so. Xander gulped visibly, but his hatred of Spike seemed to give him strength, and he nodded curtly and made his way forward. Spike moved closer as well, though he thought he heard Buffy mutter

"Testosterone overload much?"

They eventually faced each other off, and Spike smirked proudly, deciding that no matter how the chip may or may not pay him back for the pain he was about to cause Xander, it would be worth it.

The punch was delivered like lightening and Xander's loud exclamation of pain, as Spike's fist smashed into his stomach, was almost instantly followed by Spike's agonized screams. He had caused Xander so much pain that the chip's repayment brought him to his knees. Xander cupped Spike's face and patronizingly clapped his cheek.

"Sorry but thanks for playin'."

"OY Xander! Did I not nearly break your nose enough?"

Buffy threatened him, her temper seriously invoked by Xander's attempt to humiliate Spike. Xander looked at her betrayed, but Willow hastily came between them and offered her hand to Spike. She then turned the attention back to Spike's Childe.

"Right, so Spike's chip is still definitely working, so how did he sire-"

"The First."

Buffy cut in.

"The First has been brainwashing Spike, making him kill and sire these innocent people. He didn't know what he had done. The First has some power over him, Spike you mentioned this song to me when we were walking-"

"Yeah, I don't really remember it, but that's the last thing I remember before...waking up and finding myself in some strange place. I've been without a soul for so long I figured that's just how it was."

"Trigger..."

Xander whispered, almost to himself. Buffy turned to him, previous anger pushed aside at the thought that Xander could help them. Xander sighed and then explained.

"Trigger, it's a brainwashing term. Its how the military makes sleeper agents. They brainwash operatives and condition them with a specific trigger, like a song, that makes 'em drastically change at a moment's notice."

Willow looked at him impressed,

"Is this left over from your days in the army?"

Xander grinned wryly.

"No this is left over from every army movie I've ever seen. But it makes sense."

Buffy looked at him determinedly.

"This Trigger, how do we... holster or... safety or, I don't know guns. How do we make it stop?"

Xander looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"Usually the operative completes his task, and either blows his head off or steals a submarine."

"Ain't this swell, I've not only sired a girl I know nothing about, I'm now also a trigger! Buffy I should go. Take Anna with me and just head out before the First tries..."

Buffy shook her head.

"No, look we can restrain you. We can make you safe, safe till we find out what's triggering you. You're not leaving."

Spike just sighed, and rose from what was now his bed. He had something to do first before he could sink into peaceful oblivion.

The vampire sat alone against a living room wall, she was huddled in a sleeping bag, and had her arms wrapped round herself. It had hurt more than she thought it ever would that her Sire not only hadn't intended to sire her, but he didn't even recall her or the event.

"So, you're my Childe then."

A deep English voice from behind her suddenly spoke softly. She turned over towards Spike.

"Apparently,"

she replied dryly, watching with faint amusement as Spike cocked an eyebrow.

"Apparently? As in you're not sure?"

She let out a low growl, and her eyes flashed in the darkness of the night.

"I'm sure all right... This is so messed up! You're my Sire! You're supposed to be my teacher aren't you? My father? My family? But all you can do is look at me like am the world's biggest stranger!"

Spike sighed, irritated at the situation but completely sympathizing with his Childe.

"There's exception to every rule Pet. Didn't have the sanest Sire myself, but I got by... I can't promise you anything, you hear? I never wanted a Childe, I wanted to be free you know? No strings attached? Not till I found the One... But that's all relative I got you now, and there's nothing either one can do about it so things are gonna have to change... What's your name anyway?"

"Anna. Anna Taylor, what's yours?"

Spike laughed, waiting with eager anticipation at her reaction to his name.

"Spike, known by others as William the Bloody."

Anna gave him the greatest incredulous look he had ever seen.

"Ok, you have so lost all credibility you ever had."

**Hey! Thanks to all those who have reviewed my story, and sorry for the wait, all reviews are welcome!**

**Lisi the slayer **


	17. Faith

**Faith**

"You're pathetic."

Faith's pale face rose from her hands, and she looked despairingly at Buffy.

"B I'm tryin, I'm really tryin! If someone would just-"

"Just what? Forget you're a killer? That you murdered innocent human beings?"

Faith's face creased up in anguish, she shook her head repeatedly trying to block Buffy out. The Council had locked her up. They had called it a 'Treatment Centre', but it was a prison. It was dark, damp and filled with only the poor quality necessities.

"How did you even get here? More importantly why did you even bother B?"

Buffy smirked evilly.

"Yeah that's right Faith, get angry! Come on hit me!"

Faith just banged her head against the black wall of her cell, and closed her eyes.

"You're a killer. A heartless killer."

Buffy declared coldly. When Faith eventually opened her eyes, Buffy had gone.

"That's what you get for trying to atone Fire-cracker!"

Faith shot up from her bed, the voice easily disturbing her light sleep. She glared at the Mayor, and leapt out of bed.

"You're not him. He's dead. I don't know what you are but stop being him and get the hell out!"

The Mayor laughed in good nature at her.

"You don't mean that Faith. You're gonna stay here you know. What did you think Faith? That if you behaved like a real good girl they'd let you out? Don't be so naïve. You killed people Fire-cracker, brilliantly and with deadly skill, I may add. You're incredibly dangerous, too dangerous for them to even think about letting you go. You're going to waste away in here. Unless you join me."

Faith regarded him suspiciously, her arms folded defensively over her front.

"And just what exactly are you?"

The Mayor smiled.

"Well I'm the same man you've always known. I'm still Richard Wilkins the Third, Mayor and Founder of Sunnydale. But I'm also something more... I'm the First."

Faith laughed patronizingly.

"The First"

She repeated, before swinging a fist in his face, her hand passed right through him.

"And incorporeal... Now how do you suppose your incorporeal ass is gonna get me out of here?"

The First smiled again.

"Don't underestimate me; I have more creatures under my control than you can even dream of. I'll get out of here if you join me. There's a war coming Faith, I'm tired of this good verses evil cliché, but believe me, I'm going for a big finish. Buffy and her little gang of do-gooders don't stand a chance in the world I'm going to create. They've locked you in here and left you for dead Faith.

You'll never redeem yourself in their eyes; they don't even want you to. You're a killer to them Faith, the second Slayer, and a cold killer. They've locked you away in the dark and left you to die. But I know the truth Faith; you're not a heartless killer. When you body-swapped you fell in love. Started off as a bit of fun didn't it? But 

then again having to go back to pathetic mortal like Riley made you realize didn't it. You wanted to be her Faith, you got righteous being Buffy, and you wanted her life. You wanted her life, and you wanted-"

"No! He's...We're on opposite sides!"

Faith cried out in aggravation. But the First shook his head.

"No you're not. Not anymore, you join me and we'll get him. He'll join us; he'll be on our side. He won't be an enemy anymore. What do you say Faith? Fancy a little payback?"

"THAT'S WHAT YOU PROMISED ME! YOU PROMISED ME SPIKE!"

The First as Spike glared at her.

"I did, didn't I? And I gave you me didn't I? You're the one that failed for my amateur trickery. I love Buffy, always have, always will. I got a bleeding soul for that bitch so do you really think that one bite, one kiss would be enough to bring me away from that? You get me back and you do it fast, I'm the center of everything. The side that has me wins, we lose this and as the First I'll make you wish you'd never been born!"

A scent hit Spike as moved to close the bedroom window...Faith! He threw his clothes on and completely silently practically threw himself down the stairs, swinging the door open and closing it he rounded on her unsuspecting back.

"ARGH SPIKE!"

Spike's strong arm curled round her neck and her stake hand was twisted around her behind her, held securely with his other hand.

"What are you doing here Faith?"

He growled into her ear, sending shivers of arousal off her. Smelling it, he threw her forwards in disgust and made a protective stance against the Summers' household door.

Faith rubbed her arm slightly, and looked at him pleadingly, before running at him full speed and locking her lips over his desperately. Spike tried to push her away, but Faith pushed back and with momentum behind her sent him crashing into the Summers' wall, a small crack appeared right up the wall, and as Faith seemed to try and devour him he used his entire strength to send her flying away from him.

He finally succeeded, her back hit the small barrier on Buffy's porch and she fell down onto the grass, a second later Spike leapt from the wall and landed elegantly on top of her, his lips bruised and bleeding.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WAS THAT FAITH?"

Faith shook her head and tried to free her wrists, but Spike just squeezed her more.

"WHAT WAS THAT?"

"Oh don't act like you didn't enjoy it Spike. I felt it. I felt the connection, there's something between us, it's not pretty but its real and it's not goin away, its only gettin stronger! Spike-"

"Its pity Faith! I pity you, I heard what the Council of Wankers did and I said it was a big mistake! I said 'mark my words Faith will be out for blood!' Look whatever the First-"

"I love you."

Spike froze.

"Spike I love you, and the First is right. It told me all about what B did to you, how she hurt you-"

"Don't. Buffy wasn't the bad one I-"



"Yes she was, you loved her and she screwed you, only using you to get her rocks off. She only wants you here because you're a fighter. Her strongest fighter and she knows it, like I know that the only way anyone's gonna win this war is if you're in their side. Or our side."

Spike shook his head.

"Get out of here Faith. Whatever the First has promised you it's lying, it doesn't care about you. It doesn't want me there so you can be with your lover, which by the way will never happen because the only reason I kissed you was to get away. I used you to get free and return to Buffy. There's never going to be another girl. I'm in love with her, despairingly deeply in love with her. The First will kill you Faith. It will kill you once it gets what it wants."

Faith shook her head.

"I know you feel something, maybe it's not love yet, but it's something. I love you."

Spike closed his eyes and breathed in deeply trying to ignore the fact that he had once spoken those same words, when he opened them again, they were sincere and sorrowful.

"Well I don't. You come near Buffy and I will kill you. If you leave the First then you come to me, but otherwise we're enemies Faith."

"We're alike ya know. You're like- you burn me Spike. You see me, the real me. Dark Slayer, Light Vampire we're both outsiders! We've both been treated unfairly, Spike can't you see? Buffy will always love Angel! You think for a second that if Angel came walkin back into her life she'd turn him away? She'd drop you. Drop you like a hot damn potato, she'd probably accuse you of making the whole thing up! You see it but you just don't want to. She lives by society's rules, with her holier-than-thou ass! She's never wrong and the rest of us are all dirt under her precious feet. She's had you by the short hairs Spike, now I'm giving you your rocks back."

Spike slapped her so hard the sound rang out into the night.

"NEVER EVER SAY THAT ABOUT BUFFY TO ME EVER AGAIN!"

Faith suddenly went alarmingly calm underneath him then, and she turned her head back round to face him, rising a fingertip to his head.



"The First has you triggered, you don't come willingly then maybe we're just gonna have to make you do something unforgivable. You'll see, they're not out for you, they just care about themselves. You're nothing but a tool. A war tool."

**Don't know exactly what some of your are going to make of Faith falling in love with Spike, but I needed a reason why Faith had joined the First, and it seemed like a pretty unique idea! Anyhow let me know what you think and I hope you enjoyed this chapter and enjoy the next one!**

**Regards**

**Lisi the slayer**


	18. Mother Anne

**Mother Anne**

**  
**Buffy stared at the empty pillow sadly, thinking of how uncomfortable Spike must be. A couple of nights ago, Spike became adamant that she monitor him at all times. And when she was unavailable he insisted that he be chained down in the cellar like a prisoner, an unwelcome prisoner that everyone wished to forget lived there. She had spent the entire day drilling information out of Giles. Eventually Giles had come up with a plan that was ready to be put into action.

Buffy spotted Anna as she got into the living room; she was attempting to talk to an auburn-haired Potential but she backed away at her attempts, leaving Anna alone. As Buffy made eye contact, hurt and unwanted feelings swam through Anna's eyes, and Buffy found herself beckoning Anna down with her to the cellar. A horrible thought went through Buffy, and she pondered if her behaviour had ever made Spike feel that way, she sincerely hoped his arrogant attitude had prevented that.

It was a sad sight seeing Spike chained by his wrists, barely able to move around. The poor quality bed looked ready to give away. Seeing Giles and Xander there, she knew she would be unable to have a private moment with him.

"Right, let's get this over with. What you gonna do? Some hypno-beam? A disarming spell?"

Buffy grimaced; she could tell by Spike's tone that he was already agitated, and obviously uncomfortable. Giles stepped forward, emotionless.

"Not exactly. The First has brainwashed you. There's something in your subconscious that it's using to provoke a violent reaction, so... We're going to put this into your brain."

While he said this, Giles opened the small, jewellery sized box he had been holding, to reveal an oddly shaped, copper-coloured stone. Spike's reaction was instantaneous.

"Bugger that!"

And Buffy for one couldn't blame him. As much as she tried not to, she couldn't help but be sceptical of the stone Giles held. How an earth was that going to do anything other than cause intense neurological pain?



"The Prokaryote stone will move within your mind to reveal the root of the trigger's power. It can unleash ideas, images, and memories. Hopefully, once you understand what it is that's setting you off, you can break its hold on you."

Dawn, who to Spike's delight, had been frowning heavily at Giles ever since he had revealed the Prokaryote Stone, now frowned even deeper.

"Hopefully? So it might not work?"

If Giles noticed the slight confrontational tone in her voice he ignored it, as he replied neutrally.

"The stone is just a catalyst for the process; the rest is up to Spike."

Then it was Spike's turn to be confrontational, but he was less subtle about it.

"And how do you expect to get that hunk of rubble into my cranium?"

Giles threw Spike a cold look, and called for Willow, who approached somewhat anxiously. She gave a Giles tentative smile, and cast a sympathetic look at Spike.

"I just hope my pronunciation is in the ballpark."

She said jokingly, only Giles smiled at her weak attempt at humour. The tension worsened as the stone turned to a molten liquid as Willow muttered incoherently.

"Oh, you have got to be joking? What now?"

Spike asked in utter disbelief, though he looked as if he was dreading the answer. Giles on the other hand, looked extremely comfortable bordering on content to answer Spike's particular question.

"It has to access the cerebral cortex via the optic nerve."

"Oh bollocks!"

Spike cried in outrage, as Giles advanced holding the molten slug shaped Prokaryote.

"All the rubbish people keep sticking into my head, it's a wonder there's any room for my brain."

"I don't think it takes up that much space, do you?"

Giles finally replied, dryly as he placed the molten onto Spike's cheek, and watched in grim satisfaction as it slithered upwards. Spike noticeably tensed, and he clenched his fists as it began to approach his eye. Buffy grimaced as the molten stone finally entered Spike's closest eye, and for a moment Spike's beautiful azure was completely covered by silver. She could see how much the procedure was bothering Spike as he sucked in his cheeks and his knuckles turned bone-white. The stone finally moved further up his eye, Spike had a small lump in his forehead, till...

"OW! OW! OW!"

"SPIKE!"

Buffy rushed over, as Spike rubbed his head with his knuckle; she sat beside him and placed her hand comfortingly on his arm.

"Spike listen to me."

Spike nodded, and replied with strain.

"Yeah."

"You all right?"

Spike nodded and lifted his head wearily.

"How am I supposed to know if this bug-ugly's doing its job..."

Spike's voice trailed off, and he completely froze. He was like a statue; Buffy called his name but she got no response. His eyes were glassy and unseeing. It was then Buffy could truly believe he was a member of the un-dead.



A strong hand suddenly latched around her neck, and Buffy struggled as Spike vamped out and began to snarl in her face.

"S-Spike! You don't want to do this!"

Spike just snarled at her, and threw her by the neck across the room. It seemed to the gang that Spike had completely freaked out, he picked up his bed and launched it at Dawn, and despite Anna pushing Dawn out of the way, her forehead was still cut open. Everyone watched paralyzed as Spike continued to snarl at them viciously, until he let out a groan of pain, clutched his head and the Prokaryote stone slid back out his eye, and landed hard on the floor.

Spike looked at them drowsily, but morphed back to human form. He slowly slid to the floor. At Giles' insistence; Buffy shortened the chains and Spike was manacled so that he would be unable to rise from the floor.

"Get these sodding things of me! I'm fine!"

Buffy folded her arms.

"Shouldn't you take a little time? Calm down?"

Spike growled and clenched his fists.

"I am calm."

Buffy looked away, one eyebrow cocked in amusement.

"This stone of yours is out right? Did its job, so I'm de-triggered yeah?"

Spike persisted, this time to Giles, who began to pace.

"Spike, what do you remember about the song?"

Spike gave him a bored uninterested look.

"Oh yeah, the song. It's called 'Early one morning'. Old folk ditty."

" What does it mean to you?"

Xander spoke up, for the first time since they had entered the basement. Spike gave him a withering look for his question.

"Mean? Nothing. It's just... my mum. It was her favourite; she used to sing it to me...when I was baby."

"And?"

Giles persisted, giving Spike a sharp look.

"No 'and'- that's it."

Giles raised a hand, and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Spike, listen to me. What is it about your mother?"

A warning look went through Spike's eyes, and Buffy feared that they were testing Spike's endurance and patience too much.

"I don't know. I got along with her fine; she was a nice lady."

" There has to be more than that!"

Giles almost shouted, finally snapping; which in turn caused Spike to snap, loudly and fiercely.

"**WELL THERE BLOODY WELL ISN'T!"**

Buffy sighed and began to approach Spike, when Giles took her by the arm.

"What are you doing?"

Buffy sighed again, long-sufferingly.

"I'm going to unchain him."

"Buffy-"

"This is pointless Giles! He doesn't know anything! Your Prophylactic stone didn't work."

" Because he's not cooperating!"

Giles hissed at her through gritted teeth.

"It takes time. He's blocking whatever's in his subconscious and while he does, he's endangering us all."

Dawn hastily cut in, determined to know for sure whether or not the whole thing had been a complete waste of time and energy.

"So the trigger's still working."

Giles glared at Spike before answering.

"Much as ever."

His glare crossed a line with Buffy and, feeling put out on Spike's behalf; she wrenched her arm away and headed towards Spike, who looked at her gratefully.

"Think about what you're doing."



Giles remarked tiredly. Buffy turned round, equally tired and determined.

"I have."

Then she turned back to Spike and unchained him. She gave him a hand up and led him towards the stairs. Spike paused as he finally saw the cut on Dawn's forehead. A memory flashed through him, and his eyes flashed sincerely at her.

"Sorry Niblet, bit of a health hazard."

Dawn waved his apology away, smiling at him.

"Need excitement in life, you're dead otherwise."

Spike smiled at her, but his guilt was still evident.

"All the same Niblet, you should-"

" I'll check it out!"

Willow cheerfully cut in. Spike nodded curtly, but not unfriendly at her. At a small tug of Buffy's hand which, he smirked bemusedly, he was still holding he began to walk up the steps.

"Buffy-"

Giles called out.

"Don't."

Buffy gently ran her fingers through Spike hair. He was tense, she could sense it. She made soothing circles in his scalp, and Spike melted in her touch, and even started purring until he realized what he was doing and forced himself to stop. Buffy pouted in disappointment, evidently he thought she would consider his purring 

animalistic, but Buffy found she loved the sound, and the way he vibrated against her.

"What is it Spike? You're all tense."

Spike sighed, and the mood instantly became somber.

"If I tell you, you got to promise me that this won't leave these four walls. And I'm talking about these four walls of this room, not the whole bleeding house!"

Buffy remained silent for a moment, her agreement could certainly have ramifications, but then as she sensed Spike start to retreat back into himself, she gave her promise.

"All right then. Before I was turned I... God I don't even know where to begin. I was a completely different man. You wouldn't have seen me in a fight for anything. I preferred making things of beauty. There was this girl; well vengeance demon as it turns out, but I didn't know that then, Cecily."

"My birthday last year...Anya's friend, she called you William..."

"Yeah...Well, I'd fallen for her deeply Buffy. I found myself dedicating hours to making poems about her. In the memory I saw, the one Rupes' stone made me see, I was reading one to my mother.-"

"Tell it to me..."

Buffy whispered, for some reason the idea that William the Bloody had been a poet was a major turn-on for Buffy. It gave his already developed and dimensional character, an extra dimension.

"It's awful Buffy, people used to always ridicule it. It hurt then and it'll-"

"Please..."

Buffy persisted softly, her heart turning warm and mushy, as she felt that Spike was once again baring his soul to her.

_"Yet her smell, it doth linger,_

_Painting pictures in my mind._

_Her eyes, bowls of honey, Angel's harps, her laugh._

_O lark, grant a sign,If crook'd be Cupid's shaft. _

_Hark, the Lark, her name hath spake. _

_'Cecily' it discharges. From twixt, it's wee beak."_

Spike recited as fluidly as if he were reading it from paper. As soon as he finished he immediately tensed, evidently waiting for her to jeer, to ridicule as everyone else had.

"It's beautiful. Spike, it's beautiful! You've got a real gift."

Spike snorted, but his relaxation told her much more than words of the effect which her words had caused him.

"Just what my mother said... She was ill, had TB. I spent most of – no all my human life, looking after her. I loved her more than... she was my world. That didn't change when Dru turned me. In fact, apart from this new strength coursing through me, oh and the murderous thoughts concerning those who had had a real joke on my behalf, and all though I had lost my soul, I know you're not going to believe this Buffy but... I was still William... I was still me!

I didn't feel any different. Anyway, I took Dru home, she first thought I had intended for my mum to be a snack of some sort. Should have seen her face when I told her I wanted to sire her-"

"But how! Spike how-"

Spike wrenched himself away from her, the disgust he heard in her voice, made his blood boil.

"HOW? I WANTED HER TO BE WELL ALL RIGHT! I FELT THIS STRENGTH! THIS REAL PHYSICAL STRENGTH AND I WANTED THAT FOR HER! To stop her being so frail, to cure her of the terrible disease that plagued her... I wanted to give her a better life... I did it for her."

Spike said, his voice breaking and barely above a whisper. Buffy felt shame fill her and she grasped his hand.

"I'm sorry Spike."

Spike shrugged, and sat stiffly back down the bed beside her.

"What happened Spike? What happened after you turned her?"

Spike swallowed,

"I remember when she came back into the room. Her blonde curls that had grown dull and were always pinned away, fell down her shoulders in elegant twirls. I remember telling her that she was glowing. The healthy flush she had long since lost, had finally returned to her. I had returned it to her! She told me that she had me to thank for that. I remember telling her that seeing her like that was payment enough. She smiled and told me I was tender. I thought everything was going to be perfect. Just for once in my entire existence I thought everything was going to be ok. It was as it should be, me and my mother together... The whole of London lay out before us! It was only when I asked what her pleasure was to be that things began to change."

Pain steadily crept into Spike's voice, and Buffy found herself feeling worried about Spike. His eyes had grown haunted.

"Her pleasure…her pleasure she told me was take her leave off me, asked me if I honestly thought she could bear an eternity of listening to my twaddle. I was too thrown to be hurt at that, I was in shock; I could only listen as she continued. Telling me how she used to hate being cruel, but now found it quite freeing, I couldn't understand."

Spike shuddered; Buffy squeezed his hand again, and was concerned to hear his breathing was shallow and quick.

"She told me nothing other than cruelty would ever pry my greedy little fingers off her apron strings. I begged for her to stop, this wasn't my mother... We'd always... She didn't listen to me; she described my birth, as a parasite slithering from her body."

Tears silently slid, unchecked, down his face.

"S-She told me, had she known better she could have saved herself a lifetime of tedium and just... just dashed my brains out when she first saw me."

" But why? I don't- You're a vampire! Why did you let her continue? Why did you even care?"

" Because she was my mother, and I loved her! She had always been my world!"

"That was all when you were human, everything should have changed when you became a vampire. Like with your mother, you should have lost all ability to love! You shouldn't have cared less about her! And if she was upsetting you should have ripped her throat out! You were soulless Spike."

" You think I don't know that? I know I lost my soul but I still loved my mother... Never stopped."

Buffy looked at him.

" William never left did he? Not really..."

Spike scoffed at her.

"What William was still in the 'parasite' and the 'thing'? 'The 'evil, soulless, disgusting thing'? Yeah right."

Buffy winced as his words cut at her like knives.

"Please... please don't... I hate myself enough without you reminding me of what I said to you."

Spike sighed and decided to continue.

"She tried coming onto me. Told me that all I'd ever wanted was to be back inside... She tried to kiss me! I was horrified. I told her, like I told you, all I ever wanted to make her well, but she was a monster, and when she attacked me... I staked her."

Tears flooded down his face then.

"You were right Buffy, what kind of son was I? She told me I was a sentimental fool, a parasite and it's not like she was wrong. What if I sent her to hell?"

Spike broke off and turned away from Buffy, curling into a ball.



"Spike... Spike please, when you staked her, when the stake went through her heart, how did she look at you?"

Spike looked at her but Buffy could tell he was deep in thought, his eyes glassy in remembrance.

"She smiled. A proud smile, like I had done something to be proud of..."

"Spike, your love, for Cecily, for your mother...for me…I don't think the love in William's soul ever left you. You're an enigma of vampires Spike, that's why you still loved your-"

"My mother."

A tone of realization crept into his voice and he looked at her.

"When I sired her, I let loose a demon... And it tore into me, tore deep... But it was the demon speaking…not her. She loved me, I was her world."

An odd laugh of relief worked its way up Spike's throat.

"That has plagued me for centuries Buffy, weighed down on me like... But now it's over. You helped me see, see the truth of the matter. I won't ever forget it."

**Hey! Sorry for the long wait! I hope you like this version of the episode, it's just I've always felt that it was something Buffy and Spike should have shared, mothers were their common ground.**

**Anyway, eagerly awaiting your reviews!!**

**Lisi the slayer**


	19. Bloody danger

Bloody danger

This used to disgust Buffy. She remembered preparing Spike's blood at Giles' house; it had been disgusting. But as she descended into the basement, she realized that had changed. Her hands clutched the mug, allowing the blood to warm her hands with a tender heat; it was only food now, nothing more. A gasp escaped Buffy as she stared at Spike, asleep in his cot. His hair was enviously shiny and he looked angelic with his features calmed by sleep. The covers were loosely bunched around his waist, but as her eyes trailed down his form of their own accord, she easily filled in the blanks. She placed the mug on a nearby table, and ran her fingers tenderly through his hair. Spike purred and Buffy continued her ministrations, her heart fluttering as he purred like an over-grown kitten. His blue eyes fluttered open, drowsy as sleep lingered, and his happiness at seeing her was almost child-like in its innocence. Then as he became more alert the conflict of love yet a cautiously wary look entered his eyes.

"Buffy?-"

"I brought you some blood."

Spike pulled himself up, and a hungry gleam appeared in his eyes as Buffy passed him the mug.

"Anything else Pet?"

It was obvious he didn't want to eat in front her but was having a hard time holding back.

"Spike, you don't have to wait. It's just food. No one died for it, no additional harm came to the pig, its food. I get that."

Buffy could feel Spike's blue eyes probe hers deeply, trying to figure out her change in attitude, but he didn't hesitate long, and he swiftly downed the blood in huge gulps.

"Just the spot Slayer."

"Buffy,"

She corrected him, tired of how distant he was

"It's Buffy."

Spike's eyes narrowed slightly and became more guarded.

"Buffy, what is - OW!"

Buffy fixed Spike with a confused look.

"Ow?"

A pained emotion slowly built up in Spike's eyes, and he subconsciously tilted his face towards her.

"OW, OW, OW - OH GOD!"

Spike's hands flew to his head, and his face screwed up in agony. Spike hid his face in his hands and he emitted horrible whimpers. With Spike's face hidden by his hands, Buffy couldn't tell what was going on, or how much pain he was in. She placed a hand on his arm, her heart beat racing almost out of control.

"Spike! What is it? Talk to me!"

Spike slowly moved his hands away, they came away scarlet from the blood dripping out of his nose.

"The chip... But why? Why would it-"

The rest of his sentence was ripped from him as a truly eardrum bursting scream filled the cellar. Buffy barely had to time to acknowledge this was all happening, before scarlet liquid gushed down Spike's face again. Spike tried, in vain, to stop the flow, but the blood trickled out between the gabs of his fingers and he groaned in agony. Buffy forcing herself out of her paralyzed state, and gently guided Spike back down to the cot. She ripped her top, exposing a tanned midriff, before using the material as a tissue in an attempt to stem the blood flow from Spike's nose. Spike looked at her, his eyes terrified and full of agony, when his body slumped and his eyes rolled into the back of his head. Buffy stood there shocked to the core, barely registering that the events were actually happening. Cautiously, she lessened the pressure she was applying to the blood-drenched material, and to her relief the bleeding had subsided. But as she looked at her bloodied hands, and the drenched material, she knew he must have lost at least a pint; a pint just like that, so quickly... Left alone like that for 10 minutes or so... Buffy shook her head, and dropping the useless material to the floor, she hurriedly soaped her hands clean. Spike had mentioned something about the chip, something was wrong, she just needed to find out what was wrong exactly and then fix it. The alternative was too bleak for her to even think of considering.

"Willow, what do you remember about Spike's chip?"

Willow took in Buffy's slightly haunted expression, and felt something cold shiver up her spine.

"Not much, turns out when the government secretly kidnap and experiment on demons, they don't publish their findings on the web... What's happening?"

"The chip, its firing all by it's self."

Willow looked at Buffy helplessly, then in trepidation as a hopeful gleam shone in Buffy's jade eyes.

"The bullet!'

Buffy started,

"I was dying and you saved my life, you moved the bullet out of me... You could do the same to Spike!"

"Buffy no-"

"Listen to me, we can make a small incision and your magic will take care of the rest."

"Buffy I can't! I'm sorry; I really am but Buffy you have no idea what this could to do me! What if it takes me over?! If I lose control! I couldn't bear it!"

Buffy stiffened, her eyes unforgiving.

"And I can't bear the thought of Spike dying. If he dies I'll never forgive you Willow. If he dies I want you out, out of my home, my life, out of Sunnydale!"

With that Buffy whirled around and slammed the door to the basement behind her.

"Buffy, please don't."

Buffy ran quickly down the stairs at Spike's cry, to his side, cradling his practically limp dangling hand in her own.

"Don't what?"

"Don't blame Red, she's - I don't want her putting herself at risk just to save me."

"Just to save you? Just? Spike how can you say that?"

"Buffy, have you ever thought that perhaps I just wasn't meant to last this long? Another thing we have in common pet."

Buffy shook her head.

"No Riley and his stupid scientists did this to you, and they're gonna fix it or they're gonna have one pissed off Slayer on their hands."

Riley knocked on Buffy's door anxiously; his marriage had completely fallen apart because he had returned here last year. Seeing Buffy again had re-awoken the love he had vowed to bury and leave to rest. She had haunted his dreams since then, and now the phone call could only mean one thing, - right? The door opened and a somber Buffy answered. Her hair was long and flowing again, although she appeared to have splatters of blood on her face and clothes, and her top was ripped, roughly done by hands in a rush and violent movement.

"Buffy!"

Riley greeted in concern and wonder. Buffy coldly nodded, and moved aside allowing him to enter. The door closed behind him.

"It's Spike...-"

A dark shadow passed over Riley's face.

"Spike?!"

He spat the name from his lips.

"You brought me here to deal with Hostile Seventeen!!"

Fury erupted behind Buffy's jade eyes, and Riley swore he saw her hand curl into a fist, but slowly her slender hand relaxed, her eyes did not.

"It's Spike, William the Bloody, or William in this house. Not Hostile Seventeen."

"Whatever! I've dropped everything! Put my life on hold for you because you needed my help now I want answers!"

Buffy sighed, and some of her anger faded.

"I know, and I'm grateful, but Riley this is just business, we're finished."

Hurt flittered across Riley's face, but Buffy found she didn't care; he had been stupid to assume her phone call had meant a reunion of some sort.

"What do you need Buffy?"

Riley gritted out, barely keeping his Iowa-boy politeness intact.

"I need you to fix the chip, Spike's chip! It's misfiring all on its own and it's-"

"Killing him."

Riley finished softly, at Buffy's nod, he continued harshly,

"Good riddance!"

This time Buffy did punch him in the nose, and for the second time that day her hand got blood on it. Riley let out a pained exclamation and unconsciously backed away.

"He's a better man than you'll ever be Riley! This is it, after this I don't ever want to see or hear about you in my town ever again! Your organization did this to him and if you don't fix it you'll be leavin here with more problems than you came with."

Riley straightened his spine, his eyes narrowed and he looked down on Buffy.

"Are you threatening me?"

Buffy unfazed by Riley's threatening stance simply, looked him squarely in the eyes.

"Yes I am."

Riley nodded, and made towards the door before Buffy yanked at his shoulder and sent him flying backwards and onto his back.

"You used to hate me holding back, it used to make you feel less of a man... Well I assure you Riley, I won't be holding back for long."

"You wouldn't-"

Buffy aimed a savage kick at his stomach and Riley swore, he was certain a few ribs had been broken.

"You help me Riley or you'll be begging for a vampire to finally finish you off."

"What's happened to you?"

Riley choked out, as he spat blood onto the floor. Buffy threw him a disgusted look at that.

"I've stopped pretending, oh and Riley in the choice of spit or swallow - its swallow."

**Hey! I'm sooo sorry for the gab in updating. But hopefully this chapter will make some of it up! Let me know what you think good and bad reviews welcome! And I'll try and update sooner!**

**Regards**

**Lisi the slayer **


	20. Guns, flesheaters and Soliders

Guns, Flesh-eaters and Soldiers

"I can't help you Buffy."

Buffy glowered at Riley, her whole body tensing.

"What do you mean you can't help? You did this... You did this to him so you can damn well fix him!"

Riley let out a groan of exasperation.

"Even if I wanted to help – which I don't, where would I even begin?"

"There must be someway Riley..."

Buffy grounded out, her voice deadly; Riley ran a hand through his short hair.

"We need the labs... But it doesn't matter I never operated! I don't have a clue what to do Buffy!"

"Just leave it Pet,"

Spike's tired voice whispered. "That one wasn't as bad as the rest…probably just gonna fade..."

An odd emotion passed over Spike's face before he suddenly clutched the sides of his head and howled out his anguish. Buffy caught him before he collapsed to the ground. She looked up at Riley.

"If you can't help me, then take me to someone who can."

"You mean the underground labs? Buffy I have no idea what's down there!"

"If you don't you're gonna deal with me, and that's more scary than anything that could be down there."

Spike's screaming came to an eventual stop, and he whimpered in her arms, his wide blue eyes were petrified.

"Buffy please! Make it stop! Make it stop please!"

"I will Spike, I promise I will, just hang in there a little longer, I've got you."

Riley made a little gagging sound at the back of his throat, and Buffy gave him a sharp look.

"Just give me a reason Riley; just give me a reason to hit you."

********

"Hurry up Riley, the sooner we get there the quicker we can both move on."

"How can you touch him? How can you bear to touch that?"

Riley snarled at her, pointing at Spike, who was trying his best to use his usual swagger but was evidently still weakened from the latest chip attack as he only managed to limp with Buffy glued to his side.

"That THING!"

Buffy lost it. Moving temporarily from Spike, she punched Riley for the second time in the face sending him reeling towards the ground. Riley howled as his broken ribs bashed against the hard earth.

"You ever call him that again ever and this will feel like child's play."

Riley snorted, and with difficulty, rose to his feet, blood trickling from his battered nose. He swiped it away with the back of hand.

"You're a hypocrite! You treated Spike like the vermin he is for years! You slept with him and then the next minute you blew up his home with him inside it! I bet you didn't even think to wonder if he'd make it out of there!"

Buffy felt a fresh wave of guilt and shame wash over her.

"We haven't got time for this! Get us to the labs!" "You're standing on it."

Riley retorted. Buffy immediately fell down to her knees, as did Spike and with their combined strength, pulled up the fake grass cover clean from the ground.

********

Spike and Buffy jumped elegantly down the hole; whereas Riley fell down like the lump he was and landed on his backside.

"Get up!"

Buffy barked, her Slayer senses were going wild in the vast darkness that surrounded them, they weren't alone. Spike, having recovered from his chip attack turned his flashlight on and led boldly in front, to Riley he appeared to have recovered his arrogant stride, but Buffy knew better, when Spike was scared he liked to take control.

"How much further?"

Buffy moaned to Riley, after they had seemingly walked down half a dozen lightless corridors.

"I'm not sure; everything's different in the dark. It's hard to tell."

"You don't say,"

Spike muttered sarcastically, but he came to an abrupt stop, causing Buffy and Riley to almost fall into him.

"What is it Spike? Don't tell me it's the chip!"

Buffy asked fearfully. The chip firing in Spike was the last thing they needed.

"Something's down here, m' vamp senses going wild down 'ere. Can you feel it Slayer?

"Since we've been down here."

Buffy whispered, the reality of Riley's fragility suddenly came to mind, and she moved protectively in front of him.

"Can you sense where it is?"

Buffy murmured to Spike, though only half-hopeful.

"No, just a blip on the radar..."

Spike suddenly flung his arm out and punched into the darkness, a deafening roar sounded.

"Damn little bugger! Rock hard!"

Spike complained, nurturing the scraped flesh on his knuckles.

"Stay behind us Riley."

Buffy warned, before letting out a flying kick at the rough outline of a troll-like creature. She instantly felt something solid, like armour, when an arm of steel lashed out at her and Spike and sent them tumbling onto the floor, the flashlights falling out of their hands. They leapt to their feet, the outline of the demon barely visible. They fought it with all their might. Spike let out a tremendous battle cry and charged the demon into wall, he was about to wrap his hands around the throat, when he let out a cry of excruciating pain, and collapsed to the ground. The demon shoved Buffy in the opposite direction, and taking Spike's limp legs, dragged Spike across the floor like a broken rag doll.

"SPIKE!"

Buffy screamed, as she leapt to her feet and charged after them, only to trip over Riley, who had lost his footing trying to get out of the demon's way.

"YOU USELESS LUMP!"

Buffy cried in frustration, pulling herself upright once again, and speeding off in their direction, ignoring Riley's pleads to not to leave him.

"SPIKE!"

Buffy screamed again, as she turned a corner to see one of Spike's forearms in the demon's massive hands. The demon looked ready to rip it off, with the quickest charge she had ever made; Buffy propelled the demon to the ground. Seizing the opportunity, she wrapped her hands around his throat, and grunting with effort, snapped it.

"Flesh eater – ew!"

Buffy muttered, unable to stop herself, Spike made a muffled sound and Buffy fell to his side.

"Spike, you with me?"

"Yeah, Buffy what's…"

The room suddenly exploded with lights, the clicking of guns was unmistakable. Buffy raised an eyebrow, as the room revealed a winding spiral staircase leading to balcony filled with armed soldiers.

"…going on?"

Spike finished, half conscious.

"That's no way to treat guests you know."

Buffy told the soldiers dryly. A black soldier, the leading officer lowered his weapon, the rest followed suit.

"Miss Summers, and is that... Hostile Seventeen?!"

"Miss Summers yeah, Hostile Seventeen no, his name is Spike."

"Well, we're at your service."

"Good, we haven't got time to waste, oh and someone should probably go check on Riley, a few flesh-eaters around, might make a nice snack."

*****

Buffy could see, as the soldiers descended from the balcony, fear in Spike's eyes, and a protectiveness formed inside her. What Spike had gone through last time he was here was nothing short of horrendous. And now she had brought him back.

"I understand we are here to help Hostile-"

"SPIKE!"

Buffy cut in furiously.

"It's Spike. You are here to help, you call him that again and I'll show you what hostile means."

The black officer took a few mini steps back.

"I meant no offence miss, um should we help him up and then you can tell me what's going on."

"I don't need a minder Mate, can tell you myself."

The Officer glanced unsure at Spike, unsure as to how he should respond; it only served to irritate Buffy further.

"He's a person, for god sakes just treat him like one!"

Buffy heaved Spike up from the floor, and gave the officer an icy look.

"Lead the way."

*****

"The Chip hm.. well yes I suppose it must be, overdue if you ask me.."

"Well no one did Mate, don't care if it should 'ave happened sooner, how do you bloody fix it?!"

"Well, we have to determine the exactly what we're dealing with-"

"It's obvious isn't it! Spike's chip's broken! I came down this morning and he started screaming, there was blood everywhere!"

A look of anxiety passed through the black officer's eyes.

"Are you- I mean is there a chance that maybe – Are you positive it's the chip?"

Buffy's eyes were glacial.

"He's not making it up if that's what you're getting at."

The officer nodded.

"Ok fine, I'll take your word, but you understand anything Spike may or may not do is entirely at your doorstep."

"I get it, Spike turns psycho my fault – not gonna happen – can we please just get on with it."

The officer nodded, and led them to an operating table, it had cuffs on it.

"Those won't be necessary."

Buffy said firmly.

"No they won't, but Spike will be sedated."

Spike had gone very stiff, very still and very quiet – bad sign Spike was never quiet.

"Come on Spike, it's going to be ok, it's all gonna be over."

"I'm not having... I'm not having them mess me up again! Last time I didn't have a choice-"

"Last time I wasn't here. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, I promise."

Spike sighed in resignation, and laid himself down on table.

"Just get me out of here Buffy..."

Buffy nodded, as she stroked his hair.

"Shh."

Buffy whispered, Spike's erratic breathing portrayed his fear, and Buffy kept cooing and stroking him, but when the officer came holding a needle, Spike almost bolted.

"I know your scared, but I'm gonna look after you, I'm here Spike. I'm not going anywhere."

Spike felt the needle pierce his skin and a fresh bout of alarm washed over him, his big blue eyes sought Buffy's, the palpable anxiety in them was like a stab to the heart for Buffy. All she ever seemed to do was upset him... but on the outside Buffy smiled reassuringly. She took his closest, now limp, hand into hers, and slowly lifted it to her lips. She kissed it gently. She didn't say anything, she didn't need to, Spike was fading fast with the drug, and in mere moments after her kiss, Spike's eyes closed wearily and he completely relaxed. The black officer approached warily.

"Miss Summers? This is a delicate OP, you can stay if you prefer-"

"No, I can't, I can't just watch you…"

"That's ok Miss Summers, someone will fetch you as soon as we're done, you'll be back before he wakes up, but before you go, since you have accepted responsibility the decision lies with you."

"What decision?"

"The chip. We can either fix it, or remove it."

"There's no question, I won't put him through this again. He has a soul now. He doesn't need a chip."

**Hey! So sorry for the huge gap, but I'd rather wait and have it checked by my beta then just submit it and fiddle around with it later, thanks for reading and all reviews welcome lol!**


	21. Spike's Melancholy

Spike's Melancholy

Buffy felt horribly guilty sitting outside the operating room, she had promised him that she'd be there, but she couldn't just sit there and helplessly watch his head being cut open. The very idea made her stomach dangerously unsettled and so she pushed those thoughts away, but Buffy doubted it was just her uncharacteristic nausea that was holding her back. The door opened, and the black solider smiled reassuringly at her.

"The OP was a success, the chip has been removed as you requested. I just hope for all our sakes you have made the right decision Miss Summers."

Buffy's face hardened.

"I have. Can I see him now?"

"Of course Miss Summers I just have one final question regarding Agent Finn... When we examined him we found that he had a couple of broken ribs, and several other various injuries, would you mind telling me how he acquired these?"

Buffy shrugged frankly.

"Spike and I had a flesh eater to kill, it was pitch-black down there – you do the math."

A shared understanding passed between the two of them, and Buffy finally went through the doors, to return to Spike's side. She tenderly picked up the pale, delicate looking hand she had discarded. Just as she had calmed herself down, Spike's eyelashes began to flutter, and slowly opened to reveal his beautiful blue eyes. The guilt returned tenfold at the adoring, touched look on Spike's face.

"You stayed..."

Spike breathed out weakly, Buffy felt herself choke as she smiled and with her free hand caressed the side of his face.

"Had to protect my vampire didn't I?"

At her claiming words a look of pure reverence came over his features.

"Did you – do you really mean that?"

Buffy tried to smile in the face of such intense adoration that was verging on worship, but it was like a knife to her heart, another reason for guilt added to the list of many.

"I need you Spike... And anyway, I didn't spend the time nursing you back to health to let a lump of metal and plastic take you away."

Spike chuckled slightly, and pulled himself up into a sitting position.

"So, did I get an upgrade? A bigger, better chip?"

"They asked me, after you were under, whether they should repair or-"

Spike placed a hand over hers; his face was warm and understanding.

"It's ok Buffy, I wouldn't expect anything else. I've got to be kept under control, so that everyone's safe."

Tears gathered in Buffy's eyes at his words, at his belief that he'd need restraint for the rest of his life.

"No you don't."

Spike's eyebrows furrowed together.

"Not sure I followed you round that bend luv."

"Spike, having you with that chip in your head, it was like having you in a muzzle. It was wrong. You don't stop evil by doing evil. You're not a monster anymore! That chip had long surpassed its use, and now you have a soul. That's what's gonna stop you killing people."

Spike looked at her in awe.

"How can I ever thank-"

"You don't have to. It's the least you deserve."

"I never thought I'd ever.... never thought I'd get your trust like this Buffy, not after-"

"I trust you Spike. I have for a long time; you just have to trust yourself. You're a good man; believe in that, because I do."

Spike looked at her touched, but Buffy's heart sunk slightly at the reverence she saw in his grateful gaze, guilt churning around in her stomach. He slowly, almost hesitantly, placed a hand softly at the back of her head, his fingers tangling in her blonde strands, and, looking into her eyes, slowly moved closer, before finally closing his own eyes and gently capturing her lips in a heart-wrenchingly tender kiss. They had been many things together, kinky, needy, passionate and raw, even violent but never tender and loving.... Hope awakened anew in Spike and he felt so full of love, so warm he remembered what it had felt to be in the sun. 

*****

Buffy stared warily at the house, her discomfort really grabbing hold of her insides and Spike let go of her hand. He'd held her hand all the way from the labs, their fingers linked together like a `proper couples.' This was a necessary reminder that they weren't.

"I'll be upstairs pet..."

Buffy could sense the disappointment in his voice but it was easier this way. She knew that not many of them were going to welcome 'Free Range Spike'. Taking a deep breath, Buffy followed on after Spike and closed the door behind her.

"Thank God you're back!"

Buffy raised an eyebrow at Xander.

"Oh give me that look all you want but you haven't been the one trying to reassure the Soulless Wicca Vamp that her Sire's okay!"

"I'm sorry Xan, but Spike couldn't wait, and she wouldn't hurt you."

Xander looked her skeptically. "Well, when you attend my funeral, you make sure to repeat that."

Buffy rolled her eyes and entered the living room, the Potentials had been sent upstairs along with Anna, leaving Willow, Dawn,Giles, Xander and Anya looking at her expectedly.

"Spike's chip was degrading; it was firing all on its own all day. I was killing him-"

"So naturally you contacted the Initiative."

Giles interrupted, Buffy nodded strongly.

"I did-"

"And got the Chip repaired."

Giles finished, with the voice of someone trying to defuse an upcoming situation, his eyes daring Buffy to say any different.

"Getting to the labs was crazy difficult and freakishly time consuming. We almost got killed! I don't have time to go through that all again."

"So what are you saying exactly?"

Giles asked, though it was clear to Buffy he already knew the answer but was merely waiting for confirmation.

"I had the chip removed."

Xander looked furious, and before Dawn or Willow could come to Spike's defence, Xander cut them off, his eyes glaring at Buffy.

"So should I write my Will now or later?!"

Buffy shot him a sharp look.

"That chip was wrong, you know it was!"

"It made him safe Buffy! It kept us alive!"

"Spike cannot be trusted Buffy."

Giles said gravely, his eyes disappointed.

"That's not true! He risked everything for me!" Dawn piped up, before Buffy made her final words.

"It was killing him. I've got the First on my back! We're gonna have Ubervamps and ... God knows what else! Now you guys are a lot of help really, but when it comes down to it I'm the only fighter and I can't fight this alone. Spike and I are the warriors of the group, and I need that. I need to have him at my back. I need a warrior; I had to keep him alive."

A slightly hysterical laugh broke into Buffy's heated speech. Cringing, Buffy turned around and met Spike's tear filled eyes.

**Hey! Thanks for reading, and as always I eagerly await your views, thanks also to my awesome Beta! Great work!**


	22. Unpardonable Malice

Unpardonable Malice

Spike's laugh was shaking and painful to hear. It reminded Buffy of her own hysterical laugh when she had overheard Angel and Giles discussing the prophecy concerning her death so many years ago.

"Had to... Had to save me? Had to have a warrior?"

Spike's voice was a tortured whisper, and the hurt shone through his eyes, which glistened with tears.

"Spike, please I can explain-"

Spike shook his head. He approached her slowly, and gently caressed her cheek.

"I've been stupid-"

"No, Spike-"

"Please, just listen... I was stupid to think that you could ever have done something like that for me. I should have known you just wanted something."

Spike's soft voice somehow was unbearable, and Giles and Xander deeply wished he'd start shouting, and get pissed off. That was easy to deal with; Buffy would kick his sorry ass and problem solved. Hurt Spike was unpredictable, and all the more dangerous for it.

"I do want something, I want you Spike."

Spike laughed again, but it was harsh, he released her face, his calm, but ultimately heart-wrenchingly hurt eyes were now blazing with fury.

"No what you want luv is a warrior! After everything we've been through! I gave you my heart, body and my bloody soul! And for what? So you can get your own bloody warrior!"

Buffy looked at Spike earnestly.

"That's not true!"

"You already said it! 'I needed him, I need another warrior!' "

"I can't fight them alone!"

Spike growled, and grasping her by the arms, they both smashed into the opposite wall.

"YOU USED ME- AGAIN! Now you wanted a soddin' warrior, well congratulations you got one! But that's all I am; your own personal warrior, but I'm nothing else, nothing more."

"Please, because we've avoided each other so well in the past!"

"This ain't the same Slayer! I'm not avoiding you, you got a battle coming up – I'm there, you got a battle plan to discuss- I'm there! But you want a heart to heart; you want someone to cuddle up to... Then you're on your own."

A look of dread passed through Buffy's eyes.

"Yeah that's right Slayer, me and Anna we're moving out – Tonight!"

All the fight went out of Buffy, and she looked for the entire world like the injured party. Spike gave her a hard look, but as a tear rolled down his face, the look dissolved and he just looked heartbroken. When he spoke, his voice was soft again.

"I gave you everything Buffy, I gave you me... everything I was, am, I gave to you... If you only wanted my body, I'd have gratefully given it you, but you took all of me. You let me open up and trust you, let me spill my heart and soul, when all the while all you were interested in just keeping me for a warrior and I won't ever forgive you for that, no matter how long I continue to love you."

Buffy looked at him stunned speechless, her eyes began to sparkle with reigned in tears, but Spike had turned his attention to Dawn and Willow.

"Please Nibblet, no tears for me."

Dawn only cried harder, and flung herself into his open arms.

"I'll miss you... Spike please, take me with you!"

Spike swallowed the lump in his throat.

"You're welcome any time Nibblet, you and Red both. My crypt's always open to you."

Spike looked up to Willow, whose eyes were tearing up.

"You've been true friends; I don't have many of those."

Willow let out a small, strangled sob and joined Dawn in Spike's arms.

"I can't believe you're leaving!"

Willow squeaked, her green eyes bloodshot.

"I don't have a choice Red..."

"No! Don't you dare Spike! You leave then that is YOUR choice! Don't you dare pin it on me!"

Spike went to open his mouth to retort at Buffy, but it was unnecessary.

"You really are that stupid aren't you? It's ALL YOUR FAULT! How can he possibly stay after you've used him like this! I can't believe you! We talked about this! You freaking ran after him and I actually believed you'd come through! You ruin everything! Your relationship with him when you came back ruined me and him! And now you've done it again!"

Buffy stood there stunned, till Dawn left Spike and stood before her.

"I hate you, I REALLY hate you!"

Dawn practically screamed at her, before slapping her sister across the face and charging up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door shut. A tear rolled down Buffy's face, and Spike, despite everything, felt a painful twinge in his heart.

"ANNA! HURRY THE HELL UP! WE'RE LEAVING!"

That forced Buffy into action, she ran to Spike and grabbed his arms in a vice grip.

"No please, please don't!"

"Get off me!"

Spike snarled, pushing her away.

"I don't want to see you; I don't want to hear from you. If you need me then you send Willow or Dawn, but I don't ever want to see you coming to my crypt."

Anna came to his side, dragging along a small suitcase.

"So long Slayer,"

Spike whispered, before he threw the door open, and with Anna at his side, disappeared into the night.

**Hey! Sorry for the wait, but hopefully the length goes some way to making up for it! Lol! Anyway eager to hear your reviews and I'll update as soon as I can!**

**Regards**

**Lisi the slayer**


	23. Atrocious Truths

Atrocious truths

Bright sunshine greeted Dawn, and she gave herself a moment to savor its warm embrace. Usually on a Monday morning she would have just gotten up and started getting ready for school, but Spike was far more important than any stupid class. He needed someone; last night he had looked crushed and she wouldn't be another Summers girl who let him down.

Passing through the graveyard, she suddenly froze. Her eyes wide as she realized she had reached the spot when Spike had saved her life – again. He'd almost died here, overcome with grief and guilt over what he'd done, but he had not been so consumed that he couldn't help those he loved even when they didn't want it. He'd followed her to ensure her safety, and when those vampires had torn into him, Dawn knew with a sinking feeling that he had felt as though he deserved it.

It made Buffy's betrayal all the more scaring. She had seen him at his most vulnerable; they had shared something special, and the rescue attempt from The First. That wasn't something went through for a mere "warrior", there was Angel after all, who could and would have happily taken Spike's place. No, Buffy was simply too much of a coward to face up to the feelings she held for Spike, too afraid of her friend's – well Giles and Xander's, disapproval, so much so she was willing to sacrifice not only her own chance at happiness but Spike's as well.

Dawn finally reached Spike's crypt. She placed a hand on the door and she could practically feel the almost-tangible despair that it held within seep through the cold stone. Taking a deep breath, Dawn pushed the door open. She almost stepped on the end of a smashed bottle. Dawn glanced quickly around the normally neat and almost cozy crypt; it was a mess. Anna, she recognized, was sleeping at Spike's side, his head resting in the curve of her neck, and despite all of her previous thoughts, doubts seeped into her mind, and began to feel incredibly out of place. Spike had his own permanent Niblet now, and perhaps such a physical reminder of Buffy would do more harm than good. She turned, readying herself to leave, when a weary voice stopped her.

"Don't go all 'Buffy' on me Niblet."

Dawn spun round, Spike's beautiful blue eyes flashed at her in the barely lit room.

"Although, I do believe there is somewhere you should be Niblet..."

"You're more important than one lousy school day Spike!"

Spike looked at the floor, his naked chest quivering slightly.

"Least one of us is so sure..."

"When Buffy died, you were... You are everything to me. I thought it was my fault, I felt like I was the most evil monster on the planet, and everyone else was too busy grieving to notice, everyone but you. You listened, you helped, you held me and told me everything was gonna be alright. You were my dad, my older brother, my best friend and ok yeah my so-bigger-than-Xander crush all rolled into one! I couldn't have gone through it without you, so don't tell me your not worth my time."

Spike's gaze lifted from the floor, tears flowing down his face.

"I thought…I thought I meant something to her."

Dawn came up to the bed and sat besides Spike.

"You do."

Spike shook his head.

"I don't Niblet, they were just fancy words. Maybe she wanted them to be true, maybe when she told me all those things she did, a part of her- Who am I bloody kidding? I don't mean a soddin' thing to her! Never have, never will! Just a bloody connivance! This year I'm her 'warrior', last year I was her personal sex sl-"

Spike cut off abruptly, his eyes widening when he realized that his rant was going too far. He was inconceivably hurt by Buffy, but the bond Dawn and Buffy had was something of a fascination for Spike. As a human he had always wanted a brother or a sister, and he knew that having Anna was supposed to feel like having a fellow kin, but he didn't feel like that, not just yet. They weren't particularly close; last night, when she had changed into her PJS and held him as he cried, had been their closest moment. The last thing he wanted was to drive a wedge between the sisters, despite everything, they needed each other.

"Slave," Dawn finished where he had stopped, "She kept you as a sex slave...."

"Dawn, it's complicated. Buffy had gone through-"

"Stop making excuses for her! It all makes sense now! The disappointed look when she brought me to your crypt and you weren't there, the guilt in her eyes whenever the attack came up... She drove you to it!"

Spike shook his head firmly.

"What I did was inexcusable"

"But understandable! She tortured you, it 'drove you round the bend', her using you like that! She had no right!... Oh my GOD!"

She stared at Spike's face horrified. She outstretched her hand slowly, and Spike allowed her to gently caress his face and looking into her pained eyes he suddenly knew what had occurred to her.

"Her birthday... She did that to you didn't she? To your face? It was so swollen, like after you faced Glory... She did that to you"

Spike hung his head, conflicted with Dawn's concern; he felt both grateful and uncomfortable.

"But she... She didn't have a mark on her! You let her... You let her do that to you. You let her beat you!"

Dawn felt as though a rug had been pulled out from underneath her feet, in all her anger, she never would have thought that Buffy was capable of something like that.

Spike couldn't bear to look at her, he felt acutely ashamed. He didn't blame Buffy; what she had to go through was something no one should ever experience, and if beating him had helped prevent her from turning herself in, then Spike would go through it again any day. He considered it worth it. What was unbearable was Dawn's obvious upset for him.

"Spike, please look at me"

Spike felt something deep inside of him tug, and slowly he lifted his head. His eyes however remained downcast, if he looked into her eyes then the wrongness of what Buffy had done would be inescapable and he'd never hold himself together.

"You can let go Spike, I'm here, I'm your Niblet."

Spike tensed, and slowly his tortured blue eyes met hers. They instantly filled with tears, and Spike shook slightly, as he fought to keep them down. Dawn, sitting on his bed, looked deep into his glistening eyes, and slowly moved closer to his face, her eyes locked upon his own. She was almost nose to nose with him, the absolute beauty of his eyes fully hit her, and Dawn knew she could deny those eyes nothing and she wondered how Buffy ever could. Dawn moved her face to the side slightly, and closing her eyes, she pressed a kiss to his right cheek.

The simple gesture of kindness was the act that undid Spike, and a horrible cry escaped him, before shuddering, gasping and crying his heart out, he burrowed his forehead into Dawn's shoulder. Crying silently herself, she pulled him into her arms, allowing herself to bear the weight of his anguish. She tried to hide her own tears, but a few slipped from her face and fell onto Spike's back. Eventually Spike's cries subsided. The pain was by no means gone, but he had least released the intensity, then he felt the slight wetness on his back, and tasted the salt in the air. He felt Dawn's subtle wipes as she tried to disguise them.

Spike pulled himself back from her shoulder, ashamed to see that her entire shoulder and parts of her chest were soaked through, just how long had he been crying? Smiling sadly, Spike cupped her delicate face in his large, pianist-like hands, silently wiped her tears away with his gentle fingers, before looking deeply into her eyes, rather like she had done for him, and kissed her right cheek.

"Thank you Niblet..."

He drawled, and Dawn felt herself feel warm at his London drawl. Spike, noticing her reaction, chuckled warmly and ruffled her hair affectionately.

"Better be getting back Niblet"

"But I just got here!"

Dawn exclaimed, Spike looked at her incredulously

"You're kidding right? It's going to get dark soon! Someone's had a right lie in aye Anna..."

Spike's eyes widened when he noticed the bed was empty, she must have left when...

Spike was up like a shot, Dawn didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed that Spike had worn his black leather trousers to bed.

"Stay here, I'll be back before you know it."

Dawn, hearing the absolute seriousness in his voice, nodded. Spike snatched his shirt from the floor and chucked it on his back. Anna was a powerful witch and a half decent vampire, she was dangerous and with the anger she had, he dreaded to think how a confrontation with Buffy would end

He threw the door open... And almost charged into Anna.

Spike looked at Anna shocked, before coming to his senses.

"Where have you been?"

Anna quirked a bemused eyebrow and revealed two blood bags.

"Didn't think you'd be getting any today, and I for one am not going hungry"

Spike felt almost light-hearted with relief.

"So you didn't – you haven't seen Buffy?"

Anna's face darkened.

"As if! Though given the chance what I wouldn't do to that self-righteous bitch!"

"Enough!"

Spike snapped, and Anna glared at him, before rolling her eyes, and pushing past him. Her eyes flickered at Dawn questioningly, but she said nothing and looked away. Spike looked at Dawn and chuckled lightly as he noticed her wet top, he closed his crypt door and opened his wardrobe. After a quick rummage he threw a black top at her.

"Can't have you going home all wet."

Spike indicted the stairs leading down, and Dawn's obligingly went down so she could change. Spike turned to Anna who was busying herself with warming up her bag of blood.

"Why did you really leave Anna?"

Spike asked, a hint of steeliness in his voice.

"It was a private moment, a private icky moment, I didn't want to intrude."

"You wouldn't have, Anna you're my Childe. You have an important place in my life."

Anna nodded, but didn't say anymore and returned to her blood. Dawn reappeared. Spike bit back a laugh, she looked adorable in his top which was obviously too big for her.

"Come on Niblet, let's take you home."

Dawn glared at the laughter in his eyes, before taking his hand and leaving Spike's crypt.

*****

Spike was tense, and Dawn could tell and figured it was the prospect of seeing an immaculate, unaffected looking Buffy. They reached the house and Dawn was eager to save him this extra pain.

"I'm ok now Spike, you don't have to-"

"What? Ashamed to be seen with the Big Bad? Afraid someone will see?"

Spike taunted, but Dawn knew this was his way of rejecting her offer, and with a heavy heart, she watched him knock on the door, the door immediately flew open, and relief was evident on Buffy's face as she saw Dawn. Buffy's eyes then glanced up and met Spike's, she seemed lost in them.

"S-Spike..."

Buffy breathed, her eyes bright with hope. Spike tilted his head slightly in acknowledgement.

"Was bringin' back Niblet..."

He gently eased Dawn forward.

"See you soon Niblet."

He looked into Buffy's eyes again, before turning around and walking away.

" Wait!"

Spike tensed and turned at Buffy's call.

"We have nothing to say Slayer, unless you have a battle plan to discuss?"

He half-tilted his head towards her, but Buffy shook her head, Spike could taste the salt before Buffy's eyes began to tear over. Spike dropped his head, looking at the ground, before turning back around and walking away as the tears started to fall from Buffy's eyes.

**Hey! Sorry for the gap, damn A-level exams!! Anyway, hope you like the chapter, eagerly awaiting your views…**

**Regards**

**Lisi the slayer**


	24. Seeing you

Seeing You 

Dawn's look said it all. She knew everything. The full picture of abuse that Buffy had subjected Spike to, until the horrifying bathroom incident. She had to know, nothing else would warrant the hatred and revulsion that covered Dawn's face as she stood there, literally shaking, before Buffy.

"I wish I could say I'm glad he left you. You don't deserve him or his love! But I can't! I can't because he fell apart in my arms and it's all because of you!"

"I didn't... I wasn't the one who left-"

"You betrayed him! Buffy I think you've well and truly broken him this time!"

The words washed over Buffy like icy water. Instinctively, her eyes looked towards the kitchen, where she met Willow's gaze, and Willow stared back at her coldly.

"I can't judge you Buffy; I've done things that haunt me, things I can barely believe I'm capable of, but I did all that because I lost the only person I've ever truly loved. What can you say motivated you to do those things to Spike?"

Buffy looked at Willow angrily, her fists clenched at her sides.

"What do you think held me from him? You saw the reaction I got when I saved his life! Giles and Xander! A few years back you would have been no different! My constant judge and jury!"

"So it was us then? The great Slayer, maybe one of the greatest ever! The woman who killed the vampire she loved to save the world! Who sacrificed herself to save the planet can't take on a librarian! Dawn was right, you don't deserve him."

Buffy flinched as if struck. 

"I may be the Slayer Willow, but I'm also human, cut me and I'll bleed. I knew you hated Angel, and I was afraid that if I admitted my feelings for Spike, that I...I was scared that I'd be alone."

Buffy's eyes glistened with tears.

"Alone like Faith, just the Slayer."

Willow's gaze softened at Buffy's distraught expression.

"You stuck by me when I tried to end the world. You welcomed me back. I'll always be there for you, you're my best friend Buffy! But you have to take control of your own life! How many times in a lifetime do you think someone who loves you like Spike comes along?"

Tears fell quickly down Buffy's face.

"I've lost him Will, I've lost him!"

"No you haven't."

Dawn quietly interrupted.

"No all you've achieved is to further prove to him how worthless he is to you. He still loves you, and as much as you shouldn't get his forgiveness I want him to be happy, and without you that doesn't seem possible."

*******

Faith applied her red lipstick.

"You look smokin' Luv,"

A British voice drawled behind her, Faith smirked and turned around.

"Oh I'll show you smoking..."

*******

Buffy hugged her bedcovers, memories of their relationship flashing before her. She could hear his song in her head, _'I died so many years ago..."_ she could hear him as if he were singing right beside her. So much had happened between them, there had been hurt, pain, lust, craving and hunger on both sides. Was it just too much? Despite best intentions was there just too much to wade through to come out the other side? Spike's face swam before her mind's eye and she suddenly she knew the answer to that.  
She kicked off her bedcovers and hurriedly changed. Willow was right she was a warrior! A fighter! If she wanted something she fought for it! And Spike was sure as hell worth fighting for! He'd be the best fight of her life! 

*******

Spike chugged down his last can of beer, Anna had yet to return from her nightly activities and not even his beloved 'Passions' could wipe away the image of Buffy's flushed face from his head. There was a sudden knock at the door and his hairs stood up on end as he was put on edge, an edge not helped when as he opened the door, his blue eyes met the sultry brown ones of Faith.

"You're not welcome here"

"Aren't you going to let me in? Dangerous area here Sweetie, some little nasty might bite me" 

Spike looked at her annoyed.

"Like that wouldn't you."

Faith shrugged unapologetically, and slipped past Spike and into his crypt.

"Heart wants what the heart wants"

Spike smiled darkly at that, and closing the door rounded on her.

"Why you here? We're not on the same side Faith."

"I want to help you"

Faith's eyes were glittering with sincerity, Spike snorted and laughed a rich laugh.

"Help me? I see the little old First told you all about my little spat with Buffy! Here to be my shoulder to cry on? BOLLOCKS! Buffy and I are finished, it doesn't mean I want to hand The First her and Niblet on a platter!"

Faith shook her head in pity.

"I told you she was usin' you. Told you B only saw you as a Warrior. I tried to warn you! Now you know and you're still defendin' her!"

"Well I guess she's got me well trained"

Spike muttered bitterly, looking down at his feet.

"I love you."

Spike sighed and lifted his head to look at her; his face was acutely pained.

" I can't help you Faith, I'm sorry but I can't." 

Faith sighed, but then abruptly threw her coat off, exposing her black top and long neckline.

"Stop it Faith!"

Spike growled out, his eyes flashing as they were drawn to the beautiful red gem that hung from her neck, hovering above her pert pale breasts. 

"Get. Out. Now!"

Spike ground out, his whole body tight and rigid.

"No! You don't mean that-"

Spike snorted and turned away from her.

" I don't love you."

"Say that to my face."

Spike immediately spun around, his eyes blazing with determination and fire. 

"I don't lo-no no... Faith please just go!"

Faith moved closer, slowly.

"I know you're scared. You've been hurt, again and again and I understand, but this will be different. So different"

Spike shook his head as Faith stopped right before him, her rich brown eyes pinning down his mind, body and soul, his eyes filled with terror.

"Faith please-"

"I love you. I know it scares you but I do. I love the spark of life you've got."

She brought a hand to face and caressed his cheek,

"You're on a constant buzz! You're amazing! You're electric! You take on the world, and you can bring it crashin' to its knees..."

Faith lunged forward and captured Spike's lips, hungrily kissing him and she felt almost dizzy from pleasure when she felt Spike respond in earnest. She heard the door to Spike's crypt door squeak open and a heard a horrified gasp. It could only be one person. If she hadn't been snogging the undead life out of Spike Faith would have smirked. Perfect.

Hope you like where this story is going, please review and I'll and update as soon as I can

Regards

Lisi the slayer


	25. Trust

**Trust  
**

Buffy could barely believe her eyes, Spike and Faith! Faith and Spike! It was wrong, it was all very wrong! Seething with hatred, Buffy rushed forward and grasping Faith's shoulder sent her flying into Spike's rock walls. 

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" 

Buffy shrieked at them both, but her tear filled eyes were focused steadily on Spike. His eyes had worshipped her; he had kissed the ground she'd walked on! He'd gone to the ends of the world to get a soul for her; to prove himself worthy of her. He loved her! 

"I thought I told you I never wanted to see you here." 

Spike's strangely calm voice told her, Buffy felt her face harden, 

"And I thought you loved me! I guess we were both wrong huh?" 

A flicker of pain finally registered on Spike's face but it was distant. His eyes that had always been so piercing and bright seemed closed off somehow. 

"I did love you Buffy, I can't- there aren't words for how much I loved you-" 

"Really? Then why are you lip-latching with Queen-Slayer-Slut over there?" 

Faith, who had been planning to watch with amusement at how this quarrel between past lovers turned out, decided she wouldn't be passive after all. She took her place at Spike's side, and casually slung an arm around his right hip, curling herself underneath his arm. 

"You hurt him B, you tore into him again and again till eventually there was nothing left! Love ain't eternal B, it's hard to kill but like everything else it can be eventually and you killed it B." 

Faith shrugged, but her eyes were gloating with bitter revenge. 

"You killed his love for you." 

Buffy turned to Spike, fully expecting to hear him declare Faith wrong, that he was mad, alright damn furious with her, and he was hurting more than he had ever before but he still loved her! He wasn't like the rest of them! But Spike lowered his head, his eyes looking at his feet. 

"I think you should leave, Slayer" 

Buffy felt herself shake. 

"Which one?" 

Spike looked at her then, his eyes cold and lacking the twinkle of amusement they once held. 

"Oh I think you know." 

Buffy stared at him in disbelief, and something wet trailed down her cheeks. 

"I can't believe this happening." 

Spike looked at her in turmoil then, and for a brief second she thought she could see his eyes screaming at her for help, but then a second later they were stone cold. 

"Get used to it Slayer, I'm with Faith now and after this whole First thing blows over we're leaving, I finally found what I've been looking for." 

Spike turned to Faith then. 

"I've just been looking in all the wrong places...." 

Faith seemed to almost melt under his gaze, and Buffy felt her anguish multiply tenfold as she remembered the power of that gaze, Spike's ability to look into her eyes and make her feel he was looking straight into her soul. 

"I love you Spike..." 

Spike smirked, 

"I love you too Baby" 

Something then struck Buffy, just when had they gotten together? Spike had only moved out of the Summers' home yesterday, and he had spent today supposedly crying out his torment and agony with Dawn – That didn't exactly put him in a frame of mind to declare love for somebody else later on in the night.... 

"I don't know what magic you've worked on him Faith but I will find out. And when I do-" 

Faith let out a long laugh, but it sounded forced and harsh. 

"Magic! Oh I'm soooo over that! C'mon B, I learned my lesson from Angel-" 

"You must have! Dawn spent all day with you Spike! You were mess she said! I know you, maybe you might have had a fling with her like you had a fling with Anya but you would never love her! I know you!" 

Again, there was this strange brief second of turmoil in his eyes, and Buffy thought he looked touched, but the brief spark was snuffed out and suddenly Spike was right in front of her. His cold hands were latched around her wrists, and his eyes were now furious! 

"IT'S OVER SLAYER! OVER! DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME RESEARCHING FOR ME CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO FIND! WE'VE GOT THE FIRST TO DESTROY AND THEN WE'RE FINISHED – FOREVER!" 

With that Spike bodily threw her out onto the graveyard ground, and without a second glance slammed his crypt door shut. Shaken, Buffy slowly rose to her feet, but of one thing she was certain – Spike didn't love Faith. She had seen his eyes screaming at her for help as he tried to fight whatever enchantment Faith had him under. Spike needed her, and this time she wasn't going to let him down.

**Hey! Thanks for reading, please leave a review, I love recieving them, i'll try and update soon and have a great Christmas!**

**Regards**

**Lisi the slayer**


	26. Unrequited no longer

**U****nrequited No Longer**

Faith could hardly believe what she was seeing as Spike bodily threw Buffy out of his crypt. Oh the look on Buffy's face had been priceless! Those blasted doe-eyes of hers had been alight with pain, and Faith could feel a smirk spread over her face. Spike closed the door and turned to face her; the sight of his burning eyes took Faith's breath away. Spike let out a low, deep, rumbling growl and Faith ran at him, only for him to effortlessly step-side her and grasp her forearms in a vice-like grip, while smashing his lips over her own as he slammed her into his crypt wall.

Faith pulled away, gasping and shuddering for breath. Spike's eyes were smoldering with lust so brightly they were practically glowing.

"How long you been dreaming of this Faith? Hm? Dreamin' of me touching you..."

Spike began to kiss up her neck, his icy breath causing Faith to shiver.

"Kissing you... How long Baby?"

Faith struggled weakly against his constraining hands, which had hers pinned high over her head, desperate to reciprocate.

"Tell me Faith..."

Spike lifted his head, and his eyes met her own, she could see the curiosity in them.

"Since the first time we met." Faith's voice hitched at the end and Spike released one of her hands as he slowly trailed a finger down the side of her face.

"You've waited so long for me...fought for me. No one's fought for me"

"Yeah…know how that feels"

Spike released her other hand, and staring into her deep brown eyes, began to pull at her top.

"Been so lost…"

Spike murmured to her, Faith's eyes softened and she brought a hand to his face.

"We can be lost together now."

Spike tilted his face against her steady palm and pressed a kiss into its middle.

*****

Buffy could feel still feel Spike's angry touch burning her arms, yet the image of Spike's desperate face, his inner struggle to defeat whatever spell Faith had him under, was branded into her mind. He may be well under but she wasn't going to give on him. She slowly closed her front door behind her and wearily began to ascend her stairs until she saw Willow at the very top of the staircase. Suddenly everything seemed to move in fast forward and she was scrambling up to the top.

"Willow! Willow I need your help!"

Willow scanned Buffy's pale, frantic face and knew instantly this would have something to do with Spike.

"What happened to him Buffy?"

Buffy's eyes filled with fresh tears, and wordlessly, she pulled up her sleeves, revealing her bruised upper arms. Willow's eyes met Buffy's; she began to shake her head.

"No, no, no he wouldn't!"

"No he wouldn't – unless he didn't have a choice"

Willow frowned at her.

"He's under a spell Will, Faith's got him under a spell"

Willow's look of confusion became more pronounced.

"Faith? What would she want with Spike?"

"I don't know! Because we were together? Isn't exactly new for her"

Buffy muttered darkly thinking of how she had attempted to steal Angel's soul away, but Willow was looking at her unconvinced.

"It has to be more than that, last we heard she was ... She must be in league with The First! How else did she get out of the rehabilitation center?"

Buffy frowned, Spike's position on that at least had remained unchanged.

"Spike's still fighting with us against The First; he said he wanted to kill it."

Willow gave Buffy a sad smile

"Buffy... Are you sure Spike's under a spell?"

*****

Faith could barely believe this was happening, her hand trailed down from its resting place on his collar bone, to the smooth, cold skin of his arm. She cried out as Spike thrust deeply into her, and she tightly clenched her muscles around him. He was giving it to her harder and rougher than any mortal man had been able, Faith didn't ever want him to stop. She threw back her head and moaned, looking straight into his fevered blue eyes. Spike grunted and pressed his forehead down over hers, as he pulled back and brutally slammed into her again. Faith screamed, her nails gouged the skin of his back, and she soon felt wetness in the marks underneath her fingertips.

"Bite me. Christ please. Bite me Spike!"

Spike sneered and captured her lips in a crushing kiss, before pulling back and whispering.

"Always luv..."

Spike face morphed, and a spilt-second later, pulling back whilst positioning his fangs, he slammed into her at the same instant his fangs broke her skin. Faith howled in absolute rapture as her climax came harder than she could ever remember.

****

"He loves me! Not Faith, me! Now maybe I've totally screwed everything up and it's too late for me and him, but he needs me! Will, he was asking for my help I know he was!"

Willow bore a look of resignation, not entirely convinced of the truth but, willing to help nevertheless, she began to descend.

"I'll need details, everything you remember, and she could have used a number of different love spells and enchantments"

Buffy was silent as she tried to picture Faith in her mind. She had been so caught up in seeing Spike kissing another girl she had scarcely paid Faith any attention. Slowly, Faith's smug face came into view, Buffy frowned hard in concentration, something was nagging at her, there had been something different about her, she could remember half-noting it to herself...

"A gem! Faith, she was wearing this big red gem thingy. That's got to be it!"

Willow got her coat, her movements radiating urgency.

"I think I know what she's done"

****

Spike trailed a finger down Faith's long pale back. His body was humming with its new acquirement of Slayer blood and he felt like a huge burden had been lifted from him. But something nagged at him, something felt wrong but he just couldn't focus enough on it to figure out what it was...

"What is it Spike?"

A sleepy voice muttered. Spike moved his eyes from her back to her sleepy face.

"Nothing, go back to sleep pet."

Faith smiled at him, her eyes teasing, "Maybe I don't wanna sleep."

Spike grinned in response, and he reached a hand out towards her face, Faith gave it a second glance, before relaxing, and Spike caressed her cheek.

"You never should have been sent there."

Faith frowned slightly, but she was too tired to pull it off properly, Spike found the resulting moody pout adorable.

"Where?"

Spike give her a knowing look, his eyes piercing.

"You know where."

Faith's face darkened, and she averted her eyes.

"I was dangerous... Still am."

Spike shook his head.

"No... No you need help, support-"

"I don't do that hugging, touchy crap, I'm on my own, always have been, figured I always would be."

Spike took one of her hands and interlinked their fingers; he drew their joined hands up to her face.

"You're never going to be alone again; I'm never going to leave you"

Faith felt a lump get stuck in her throat, it made her eyes water, but she fought them down.

"You promise?"

Spike smiled at her softly.

"Forever luv"

He drawled, and softly he pulled her in for a kiss, feeling her cold stone pressed against his chest.

*****

A mini mountain of books lay beside Buffy, as she fought every instinct not to slump to the floor and groan – or was that fall into a heap and sleep?

"What about this Buffy, is that what Faith was wearing?"

Buffy rose her hands to her face and rubbed her eyes before taking a good look at the picture Willow presented to her, as soon as she looked at it her fatigue was forgotten in an instant.

"Yes, yes that's exactly what she was wearing!"

Willow looked far less positive.

"It would be wouldn't it?"

She muttered to herself as Buffy turned to her, her face full of fear.

"There's no antidote Buffy, no potion we can give him or chuck over him, no spell! Buffy there's only one way the spell back be broken..."

Willow handed Buffy a small dagger, on its handles were the same gems that hung from Faith's neck.

"Willow?"

"You have to kill Faith."

*****

"Luv, Buffy does the patrol every night, think I can give you a great alternative…"

Faith laughed, and pulled Spike into a burning kiss, before slowly, pulling away.

"Yeah, figures B will be on patrol but I'm Chosen too ya know! She ain't any better than me."

Spike smirked, sucking his cheeks in.

"Yeah you're a real bad ass"

"Better believe it"

She reached for her bra, but Spike was faster, and he grasped it first. Faith stood there in nothing but her pants, with her hands on her hips looking at Spike expectantly.

"Give it back Spike"

Spike flipped off the bed, grinning boyishly at her, he shrugged his shoulders. His eyes were light with mirth.

"You say your the Slayer, all 'Chosen' – you want it? Better come and get it!"

Faith shook her head at him for a moment, before almost growling as she leapt over the bed at him.

****

Buffy could feel herself buzzing; her entire body taunt with tension. She could have avoided all of this, she should have stuck by Spike that night. She had been foolish not to expect Xander and Giles to show well-meaning concern; they were like brother and father to her after all. She should have shown them the man behind the vampire, the man she had come to know within the master vampire. The night was strangely quiet, as if the vampires of Sunnydale somehow knew of the momentous confrontation that would take place tonight and were thus respectfully allowing for it to happen uninterrupted, hoping dearly the two Slayers managed to finish each other off.

As Buffy moved closer she could hear Faith's toxic laughter, but the sound that joined it made her feel like she had been hit hard in the gut; Spike was laughing, truly laughing! It wasn't tainted by a bitter pain that would creep into the edges of his laughs, he wasn't crying in agony and despair, he wasn't full of corrosive self-hatred – He was happy.

"It's a spell, it's not real"

Buffy muttered to herself until it felt like a mantra With grim determination, deciding that if the shoe was on the other foot, if Spike claimed to love like he did she would expect him do everything he could to release her from the spell, she kicked the crypt door open.

The pair that had been fooling around on the bed immediately leapt apart and onto their feet. Buffy saw with intense relief that they were both fully dressed.

"You're not welcome here Slayer."

Buffy drew her lips into a thin line.

"You know don't want you're saying, Faith's worked some mojo on you but I know how to undo it... And I'm not leaving till it's done."

**Hey**

**Sorry for the long wait, but as ever thank you for reading and eagerly awaiting your views…**

**Regards**

**Lisi the slayer**


	27. Tainted Love

**Tainted Love**

Faith's face paled for a second before instinctively reaching for Spike's hand. She felt his cool fingers slide in-between her slender ones, and closed their palms against each other.

"If you really cared about him B you'd let him be happy"

Buffy scoffed, her face creased into a look of revulsion at their joined hands, and the close proximity in which they stood; hip to hip, legs practically intertwined.

"This isn't happiness Faith, its abuse. You're abusing him"

"Like you're one to talk B!"

Faith shot back angrily, she made to advance forward, but then Spike placed a calming hand on her shoulder, and gently held her back. He turned towards Buffy, and the same face that had looked at her with so intense an adoration it was bittersweet, now looked at her hard and unforgiving.

"Faith's treated me like no one else ever has. The only person here who's 'abused' me Summers is you"

Buffy jutted her chin out, and spread her arms out either side of her, exposing her chest.

"Hit me all you want Spike, but you didn't leave me at that police station and I'm sure as hell not leaving you with her."

Faith let out a growl of frustration.

"What's your obsession B? Why can't you leave him alone!"

Spike turned to look at Faith then, and his face looked pained as he saw distress mar Faith's pretty features, he pulled her into his chest, wrapping his strong arms around her comfortingly.

"I said forever baby"

Faith pulled back a little so she could look into his face, she raised a hand to his face, caressing him lightly.

"I love you Spike"

Spike smiled, and pulled her back against his chest, tucking her head safely underneath his chin.

"Can't say it Spike? What's the matter, you've told me you love me thousands of times"

Spike, still with his back to her, closed his eyes and gritted his teeth.

"This ain't bout you Summers"

Something glinted in Buffy's hand as she slowly approached forward.

"I'm sorry you know, about how I treated you, what I said, what I did... I'm sorry about

everything"

Spike could sense her right behind him.

"And I'm sorry... About this!"

Spike went to whirl round, but felt a sharp electric jolt pass through agonizingly through his side, he let out a shocked cry, managed to turn around to see Buffy holding the exact stunner he had used himself on her and Drusilla, before blacking out. Faith came down with ease, and that time Buffy felt a vindictive satisfaction.

Buffy shoved Faith's unconscious body down the stairs, happy to it let bump and roll down Spike's hard steps and lie sprawled on the floor. But when it came to Spike she held him in her arms lovingly, silently delighting in actually touching him again, of feeling him in her arms and slowly descended. She stepped lightly over Faith's body and saw the manacles hanging from the ceiling...

_**I love you**_

It had been where Spike had first told her he loved her, she had been beyond disgust. Had felt sick to her stomach, and now the mere thought that Faith might have touched him, raped him even, made her blood boil. Slowly and carefully, she closed the cuffs over Spike's wrists, bracing him against her chest and shoulders.

"I'm sorry Spike."

She whispered, and as his body hung limply from his arms, she pressed a heartfelt kiss to his forehead, before turning and hardening her face as she looked at Faith. It would kill Spike to watch the person he perceived to be his greatest love die in front of him whilst he was helpless to stop it, but he would realize how wrong he was. Faith would die and her awful enchantment would end and Spike would be free. All she had to do now was wait for Faith to wake up.

Buffy wondered how long Spike had been left to pace up and down as he'd waited for her and Drusilla to come round. To her perception it had practically been instantaneous, she could see now it actually must have been a considerable time. She tried to wonder what it must have felt like for Spike, to look at her unconscious body and know that when he bared his entire heart and himself to her, she would tear into it.

"I miss you"

Buffy whispered to Spike, before hearing a low groan, she watched detachedly as Faith shakily rose to her feet.

"Making a habit of this aren't you B? Sticking something nasty 'n' pointy in me for your vampire lover?"

"Oh I won't be making the same mistake this time, and you're right Spike is MY vampire lover"

Faith let out a feral sounding cry of outrage and charged at Buffy, Buffy sidestepped her in the last moment and aimed a sharp kick to her side sending her tumbling, but she wasn't down for a more than a second when she flipped herself upright. The two Slayers circled each other, like two lionesses, identifying and assessing her opponent's weaknesses.

"Why are you doing this B? And don't give me that 'I'm-in-love-with-him' crap, this is me you're talking too little sis"

Buffy lunged for Faith, but her move was already anticipated, and Faith simply grasped her by the shoulders and chucked her across the room. Buffy flipped back onto her feet and violently tugged the dagger Willow had given her, from her jacket.

"First off Faith we're not sisters, and if we were, you'd be the pain-in-the-ass little sister, but hey I guess you're that anyway!"

Slowly Buffy approached, her posture poised.

"The question isn't why am I doing this, the question is, why are you?"

And she ended it with a terrific flying kick, hitting Faith right under the chin jutting her head back, when Faith tilted her head forward, she was sneering.

"Oh you know why, kills you so much you can't bear to think about it, but that doesn't change a damn thing, I love him, and when we made love-"

At hearing the word 'love' Buffy charged Faith into the nearest stone wall, Faith let out a groan of pain as the back of her head made a truly sickening crunch.

"You didn't make love you monster! You RAPED him!"

Seeing Faith was disorientated, she grasped her upper arms and threw her away from the wall and onto ground, before standing over her and drawing her arms, holding the dagger, high over her head, the killing blow...

"F-Faith... FAITH!"

Spike's sudden cry stole Buffy's attention, the worry she heard in his voice, made her turn towards him, it was all Faith needed, and kicking first up against Buffy's trim midriff and then, tripping her up, Faith caught the dagger that fell reflexively from Buffy's grip, and laughed at Buffy tauntingly.

"Nice try B, any final words?"

"What are you trying to achieve Faith? You think killing me is going to make him love you? You raped him Faith, and the second you cast this enchantment or whatever, you abused him. It's all a lie Faith! He's never going to love you"

"What the hell is wrong with you bloody slayers!"

Spike shouted, struggling furiously against the chains that stubbornly bound him.

"Whilst the two of you have been happily tearing chunks out of one another we've got The First out there going for the bleeding jackpot!"

Faith kept her eyes fixed on Buffy, her eyes bright with hatred.

"We don't need her Spike, we can handle some spooky Casper"

Spike let out a roar of frustration as he put his all into defeating the chains.

"Faith you can't just kill her! Bloody hell we need her, alright? When it comes to the First we need every bleeding-"

Flipping onto her feet, Buffy punched Faith square on the nose, she heard a satisfying crack, and felt damp warmth spread over her knuckles... Faith made a muffled half scream, half groan as she cupped her face with both hands, dropping the dagger, Buffy gave her backward kick and Faith fell flat on her back.

"FAITH!"

Spike hollered, and roared out as the chains creaked under the pressure of his efforts. Buffy was about to plunge the dagger into Faith's heart when Spike cried out desperately.

"Buffy, please don't! Buffy, I love her! I really love her Buffy-"

"This is love Spike, I just wish it didn't have to come to this. I love you"

Faith and Spike screamed as Buffy plunged the dagger, falling to her knees in the process, into Faith's heart, her crimson blood coloring the red gem black.

**Thank you for reading and as ever I eagerly await your views **

**Regards**

**Lisi the slayer**


	28. Love's sting

**Love's sting**

Faith's breathless wheezes filled the room; her wide eyes sought and fixed themselves intensely on Spike's. Shakily, Buffy backed away from the fallen Slayer, turning instead to Spike with a cautious look. Spike looked at her coldly and shook his chains irritably.

"Get these sodding things off me"

Buffy took a second glance at Faith's now black gem.

"I'm bloody free alright! The spell's broken!"

Buffy nodded silently at his words, and slowly began to free his wrist.

"S-Spike... S-S-Spike, please!"

Faith stuttered, her voice betraying the effort she was putting into just staying alive.

"WILL YOU BLOODY HURRY UP SLAYER?"

Spike roared, staring worriedly at Faith, and as his last manacle was opened he immediately knelt at Faith's fallen side. Fading brown eyes seemed to almost glow as his knuckles softly graced the side of her face, Faith closed her eyes and a pleasured sigh escaped her lips.

"Why did you do it Faith?"

Spike whispered, Faith's eyes fluttered wearily opened, they were glistening.

"I'm sorry"

Hands that had been gentle suddenly clenched angrily around her jaw, Spike's eyes turned into burning fires as he snarled at her.

"I want to know WHY!"

Tears spilled down her cheeks and onto Spike's hand, and making horrible shuddering gasps, Faith moved her hand so that it rested on the one of his that held her jaw in a tight grip.

"You know why... I love you"

Faith's whisper was caught in-between harsh and shallow breaths, her hand began to slip from his slightly, and in a sudden exhale of air, it fell away from his completely, falling beside the dagger in her heart. Her eyes stared permanently into his face...

She was dead.

Spike knelt before her still, until a hand gently touched his shoulder.

"Spike-"

Spike shook the hand off, and raised a hand to Faith's face, to gently with his fingertips, close her eyes.

"I'm not finished..." He told her simply, still looking at Faith's face. With her eyes now closed, and her lips ever so slightly parted, her face looked peaceful. At rest. His eyes flickered down her neck to her chest where he saw the dagger deeply embedded into her heart. It was a wonder she lasted as long as she did. His hands wrapped round the gemmed handle, and in one fluid movement and a slight squelching noise, it came free... It crashed to the floor.

"She's gone Spike"

Buffy whispered, Spike snorted darkly, his back still to her.

"Wouldn't have guessed Slayer"

Buffy sighed, and her eyes rolled to the ceiling, filling with tears.

"I had to it Spike"

"No," Spike muttered.

"NO!" He suddenly cried and he whirled round, his face was soaked with tears.

"NO YOU DIDN'T!"

Buffy felt a lone tear slide down her face at the raw anguish on his face, at the despair that made his eyes burn.

"It was abuse Spike, it was wrong"

Spike's face creased up in pain, and he rose to his feet, his eyes sparkling bright in challenge.

"Why? Because it wasn't you!"

"Spike-"

"NO! You would have had my help Slayer; we would have defeated the First-"

"AND THEN WHAT!"

Buffy shouted, raising her voice in desperation.

"HUH? LET YOU CLAIM HER? SHE HAD YOU UNDER A SPELL SPIKE! SHE COULD HAVE MADE YOU MATE WITH HER! She raped you." Buffy finished her voice fading as the words sunk in.

Spike shook his head in denial of her words.

"No, no it wasn't like that-"

"She raped you! She raped you and she made you love it! How could I leave you to that?"

"I WAS HAPPY!"

Spike screamed at her, his voice was hoarse with raw pain and desperation. Buffy shook her head, tears falling freely down her face.

"I was a lie Spike, you know it was..."

"It's the closest I've come! Would it have been so bad? To just-"

Buffy let out a groan of frustration and came face to face with him.

"And what if it was me? If Angel had cast that spell on me? Or Riley? You would have, what, left me to it?"

Spike glared heatedly into her green eyes, before his face crumbled and he fell to his knees sobbing before her. His arms wrapping themselves around her legs and his face pressed against her stomach as he howled. Buffy felt sure she would choke on her own cries as she pressed a shaking hand into his hair.

Buffy looked out on the grave yard, frowning slightly she turned back to face Spike.

"I can stay Spike, let me stay. Let me help you..."

Spike sighed, but he didn't look at her. "Anna will be back soon," He said wearily.

"Besides, I'm not... I'm not ready."

Buffy couldn't deny she was disappointed, and after the closeness they had briefly shared, as Spike had clung to her, she had received something else from Spike other than his coldness, and now she ached. But her objective had been achieved, Spike was free.

"Then I'll wait"

She told him softly, before walking through the door Spike held open for her, she turned back to face him.

"And I will you know, William..."

And after a lingering look she slowly walked away, her heart breaking slightly when she didn't hear him call her back.

No sooner had Buffy left, Anna returned. She took one look at the sorry state of her Sire knew Buffy had been around, and then the scents hit her... Another Slayer

"What is it about you and Slayers?"

Anna asked shaking her head, but as she walked further into the crypt, the aroma of Faith's blood filled her arched nostrils. Her mouth instantly watered.

"Oh gods" She whispered, her eyes wide and bright with hunger. Spike clasped her face gently with his hands.

"Haven't you fed?" He asked her concerned; Anna struggled to concentrate on him.

"Pig, dead."

"Slayer's dead too" Spike pointed out, but Anna's eyes opened wider.

"Still a Slayer"

She went to move, but Spike held her still.

"Forget it Anna"

He told his Childe, his voice firm. Then he lifted a hand from her face and drew his blunt nails down his neck. He hissed in pain, but held a hand up to halt Anna's worried splutters; he approached his double bed and fell upon it – in offering.

"Feed"

He ordered emotionlessly, and drawn as Anna was to her Sire's blood, she could sense something was seriously amiss with him.

"S-Sire-"

"Childe please, please I just want to be... to be needed"

Anna let out a shaking breath and slowly approached her Sire, the sweet calling of his blood would no longer be denied, and carefully she began to drink. And Spike felt himself let go.

**Thank you so much for reading, as ever I eagerly await your views**

**Regards**

**Lisi the slayer**


	29. The Cold One

The Cold One

She saw him sitting outside his crypt; his eyes seemed to be staring into space and Willow thought they looked old now, finally reflecting the centuries he'd seen. He hadn't seen her yet, so she continued her approach slowly, but as a twig snapped under her foot Spike immediately leapt to his feet.

"Hey Spike..."

Willow whispered, nervously raising a hand and waving; upon seeing her, Spike visibly relaxed and his whole body slumped.

"Red..."

The desolate tone in his voice tore at Willow heart, and rushing to him, she immediately swept him into a hug. Spike hugged her back loosely, but there was none of the emotional warmth that usually came with his hugs. It was as though she was wrapping her arms around a marble statue, cold, hard and unfeeling. Feeling acutely embarrassed and uncomfortable now, she pulled away from it, blushing slightly at herself. Spike didn't appear to notice her discomfort; he just stood before her, completely still and silent.

But now she that she was so close, something else caught her attention.

Horrified, her hands flew to his neck; Spike flinched slightly from her touch, as she lightly fingered the gash on his throat.

"Spike! What happened?"

Spike turned his head to look at her. He could see the worry flooding her green eyes and he pondered, somewhat bitterly, that a few days ago seeing such concern would have touched him more than she could have known. But now he didn't feel anything, nothing but a passing feeling of quiet regret.

"Faith's blood, it made Anna hungry"

"So she took a chunk out of you!-"

Spike shot her a sharp look at that, his eyes blazing with a protective anger.

"Don't talk about my Childe like that - You wouldn't understand"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean- I'm just worried about you."

Willow apologized shakily. Spike nodded and then let out a tired sigh as he scanned the graveyard.

"You shouldn't have come Red, might've gotten hurt."

"I don't know, I'm a pretty tough cookie! I think I could take on a few blood-suckers-"

"I'll walk you back."

Spike interrupted, and he immediately began walking forward.

"You don't have to, I'll be fine. Buffy should be patrolling soon."

Willow told him, her voice trying to be light and casual but Spike just carried on walking like she hadn't said anything and Willow had no choice but to follow him.

0-0-0-0-0-0

He didn't say one word to her as they walked – he didn't even look at her, so when the Summer's house finally came into view, Willow was unusually grateful. As they came to a stop, she turned to give him a parting smile, but upon seeing his emotionless face it faltered.

"Well, thanks for the personal escort."

She said awkwardly, Spike's face remained emotionless, but for a moment his eyes sparkled with something fierce.

"Couldn't let you get hurt,"

The words were spoken curtly, but the conviction she saw in his eyes made the words warm her all the same and she reached out of him, but he pulled away.

"Take care, Red"

He muttered hurriedly, before, with a sweep of his leather coat, he disappeared into the night. Willow watched his back until he completely faded into the darkness; she felt worse now than before her visit, one thing was for sure, things could only get worse before they even had a chance of getting better.

0-0-0-0-0-0

Buffy ran to her front door the next morning, her heart pounding and her knees almost gave way when she saw Spike huddled under a blanket.

"Spike!"

"If I can actually get in here first, Slayer-"

"Oh!"

Buffy exclaimed, practically leaping away from the doorway, and Spike gratefully rushed in, closing the door behind him and sighing in clear relief. It was only then Buffy realized he'd addressed her as 'Slayer'. It hurt – a lot.

"Back to Slayer is it?"

Spike's face darkened murderously for a moment, before he seemed to make an inhuman effort to rein his emotions in and compose his features into the mask of cold neutrality Willow had been faced with earlier.

"This ain't a social call Slayer-"

He never finished his words, however, as Buffy's green eyes suddenly widened in obvious horror, and with her hands suddenly flat on his chest, she pushed him against the door.

"Who did that to you! Who the hell-"

At first Spike was too startled by her sudden movement to do anything, but he suddenly gave her an almighty shove back, so strong and so unexpected that Buffy, with a surprised cry, fell back. The commotion brought Dawn and Willow rushing down stairs. Dawn froze when she saw Buffy on the floor and Spike standing at the door way. Her eyes darted to Spike's, but he only met her gaze for a short while before, as Willow was rushing down to bring Buffy back to her feet, quickly turning away and striding he went into the living room. Willow turned back round to Dawn sympathetically, but Dawn just shook her head, she didn't need Willow explanation that he was upset – but the feeling of rejection stubbornly remained.

"We've made no bleeding progress Slayer. The First-"

"Has been playing dead for weeks Spike. What exactly are we supposed to have picked up on? It hasn't made a move!"

Spike shook his head, and he regarded her seriously.

"No, no I didn't think so either, but then it was like somebody decided to flip on a sodding light bulb – Why Faith? Why did The First go to all that trouble of breaking Faith out of the big house?"

Buffy crossed her arms over her chest, and her face screwed into a look of distaste at the mere mention of the rogue Slayer.

"To get to you? To put you under that psycho's thrall.." Buffy paused then, as something occurred to her

"What exactly have you-"

"Never you mind, Slayer – And you're missing the bloody point!"

"And what is that exactly?"

Spike let out a growl of frustration.

"Why did it pick Faith? Why pick someone you'd instantly be suspicious about, and not get some random nobody you'd dismiss as me on the sodding rebound"

Something inside of Buffy went cold at that point.

"But it didn't, it went for Faith-"

"Exactly!"

Spike exclaimed, and for the first time since he had arrived, his cold armor seemed to fade away, and he looked at her desperately.

"There has to be reason for that! Think, if you were incorporeal what's the one thing you'd be after? The one thing you'd want more than anything else in this hellhole of a world?"

"A host..."

Buffy whispered, Spike nodded enthusiastically and rising from the sofa, he gently wrapped his hands around her arms, and stared straight into her eyes.

"What would be better than the body of a slayer with a bloody pet master vampire at her beck and call?"

Buffy felt like she had been drenched in icy water. She looked into Spike's beautiful orbs desperately, feeling already like she was grasping at its straws.

"But it failed right? I mean, Faith's dead!"

Spike nodded, but his eyes were filled with sadness.

"But the slayers aren't, someone's been called Buffy. Anna's a potential, what if-"

Buffy shook her head,

"That won't happen, Spike we won't let it-"

She placed a hand on his face, but he pushed away from her then, and the cold armor was suddenly firmly back in place.

"You can't promise that."

His voice darkened noticeably over the word 'promise' and he turned to Willow.

"Red, I need you and Giles to research this; research any process of taking over a host – anything."

Willow nodded

"We'll start now, I'll let you know-"

"Only during the day Red, it's too dangerous for you at night."

Willow smiled at how unusually protective he was being of her.

"I AM a powerful witch you know"

Spike smiled faintly, and then he turned back to Buffy.

"It might be the only way we can kill this thing."

"It won't come to that."

Spike stood there for a moment, he seemed on the verge of saying something but then the moment passed and, nodding curtly at her, he swept out.

**Hey!**

**Thanks so much to everyone who has read and reviewed/alerted/favourite, I really appreciate it, and I look forward to hearing your views**

**Regards**

**Lisi the slayer **


	30. To Feel

**To feel**

Dawn lay there huddled on her bed. She kept replaying the look on Spike's face over and over, how he had just dismissed her. Tears leaked from her eyes, she knew he was hurt – again! She also knew he'd probably want a bit of space, after what Faith did to him... But she and Spike had always been so close!

"Don't cry Niblet"

A soft voice pleaded, Dawn sat up on her bed, her heart pounding, Spike was by her bedroom door, a miserable look on his face.

"Spike, I didn't hear you come in?"

Spike gave her a weak smile, and he came up to her bed.

"Vampire, remember?"

Dawn sniffed, and Spike fell gracefully to his knees.

"I'm sorry, Niblet"

Dawn bit her bottom lip, Spike could see her thin body was quivering slightly.

"Don't want to lose you Spike, not because of –"

Spike rose his head, from where he had been looking down at the floor, and stared straight into her eyes.

"I love you Little'Bit, alright... You're the only bleedin' one around here whose ever given a monkey's about – you saw the man in the monster before anyone even knew there was one."

"Spike-"

"You're the best friend I've had in 3 centuries, I ain't ever leaving your side Niblet, not whilst you still want me there"

Dawn smiled at him, a slight tease in her eyes now.

"You promise?"

"Till the end of the world."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Buffy sighed tiredly, she'd been waiting outside Spike's crypt for what seemed like hours now. She gave herself a small smirk, as she quipped to herself that all she needed now was a half-lit cigarette, a leather jacket and she'd totally have Spike at his 'lurking-outside' game.

"You waiting for something?"

A voice sarcastically asked from behind her, Buffy whirled around surprised, she'd assumed Spike would be in his crypt with Anna.

"Not anymore I'm not"

Buffy responded softly, unable to tear her gaze away from how beautiful Spike looked when the moonlight illuminated his platinum waves. Slowly, she began to approach him

"Stay where you are, Slayer"

Spike barked at her, and Buffy couldn't stop herself sighing in frustration.

"What is it gonna take Spike, you gonna need to hurt me? Is that it?"

Buffy asked, swinging her arms out and revealing her chest. She felt so frustrated and such a loss as to what to do, deep down she found herself just wishing that was the case, at least then they could move on from it! But Spike shook his head, and his face fell forward, half of it falling into shadow, as he tilted his face towards her.

"I'm finished with you, Slayer-"

"No!"

Buffy cut in, before rushing forward, she only stopped when Spike began to furiously snarl at her.

"I said stay where you are!"

He thundered, and then Buffy realised – he was scared. His entire body was taut with tension.

"I understand you're scared,-"

Buffy began, but Spike cut her off with a mocking laugh.

"Scared? Scared! What because I attacked you, you know how I feel? You don't have a bloody clue!"

Buffy looked at him stoically, Spike meanwhile looked absolutely livid.

"You don't have hands over your bare skin, didn't have them touching you, wanting them in all the bloody wrong places! You didn't-"

"I stopped you"

Buffy cut in, her voice cold with fury.

"WELL I COULDN'T!"

Spike cried out, his voice almost breaking and Buffy closed her eyes.

"I couldn't stop it, I couldn't do anything! I thought I bloody wanted it! Though wanted her!"

Spike seemed to have yelled himself hoarse, as he quietened, Buffy opened her eyes again and Spike looked into them helplessly.

"I thought I loved her."

"I know, I know"

Buffy whispered, softening at Spike's distress. She gave him a soft smile.

"Wanna help me patrol for a bit?"

Spike considered her for a moment, before nodding slightly

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

"I think she's sorry you know"

Dawn whispered suddenly, after the pair had sat where they were in not quite comfortable silence.

"Been there too many times, Niblet"

Dawn sighed in regret, but she looked into his pleadingly, urging him to see the truth in her words.

"But this is different, she's different. She misses you"

Spike snorted bitterly, he looked away from her, and to a small patch of her carpet.

"Course she bloody does, who wouldn't miss their ever bleeding faithful puppy?"

Dawn shook her head.

"It's not like that"

Spike shot an angry glance in her direction at that.

"Since when did you become her bloody advocate?"

Dawn met his angry look unblinkingly.

"Since she changed, since she realised what a mess she's made of everything! She has changed! You just don't want to see it"

Spike looked at her hurt.

"S'not that simple"

Dawn looked at him sadly.

"You deserve to be happy, Spike. You both do"

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Hardly any demons were around, certainly not enough for both of them, in any case Spike seemed content to let Buffy do all the slaying for him.

"I don't want to lose her, Buffy"

He whispered quietly, Buffy looked at him sadly.

"Anna..."

She guessed. Spike looked at her helplessly.

"She's my Childe! My kin!"

"We're do all we can, I promise"

Buffy rose an eyebrow slightly.

"For what it's worth"

Spike looked at her silently for a moment; there was an emotion in his eyes she couldn't quite register.

0-0-0-0-0

"I'd better go Niblet. Anna, she'll wonder where i've gone"

Spike told her softly. Dawn smiled at him, but she held a serious expression in her eyes.

"Just think about it"

Spike stared at silently for a moment, before nodding.

"Go to sleep now, I'll see you later, Niblet"

Dawn smiled, she turned to her bedcovers to tuck herself in, but when she looked back, Spike had gone.

0-0-0-0-0

"Go to her Spike, really I can finish up here"

Buffy told him, as she finished the slaying the latest Vampire. Really he was little use in this state, he hadn't killed a single thing, she couldn't ever remember a time when Spike turned down an opportunity to kill something ... He doesn't want to be here, she thought.

"Go, go be with Anna"

She told him again, and Spike stared at her, that odd emotion in his eyes again, before inclining his head towards her and walking back towards his crypt. Buffy watched his retreating back and sighed, she had only felt like she had truly lost Spike once before now, and she felt just as useless then as she did now...

0-0-0-0-0

"I envy all of you so much you know"

Buffy whispered sincerely, her blonde tresses swayed as she smiled softly at Anna.

"You're all so alive! Full of hunger, drive and passion!"

Anna looked at her unimpressed.

"Yeah, and hurt, hatred and –"

"Love"

Buffy whispered softly, and with a mocking chuckle, she glanced down at herself, before looking into Anna's dark eyes.

"Do you know how much love is in this form? It's like a fire"

Anna stood unmoved before her, she wrapped arms across her chest. The technique Spike had taught her.

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Maybe I want someone to understand"

The First answered lightly, Anna scoffed.

"Not bloody likely"

Buffy smiled at her, but her green eyes looked mocking.

"Oh that is cute! But you've got me all wrong, you know... All of you have"

Anna rose an eyebrow, and she walked closer.

"Oh right, so you're not some incorporeal ghost trying to destroy us and the world-"

"Why would I want to do that?"

Buffy exclaimed, genuine confusion shone in her green eyes.

"I'm tied to the earth, its life force! Why would I want to destroy what keeps me?"

Buffy snorted bitterly then. A look of sadness flickered across her face.

"What sustains me?"

Anna's arms began to loosen.

"Then what do you want?"

Buffy's eyes looked at her so desperately, were filled with such longing they almost looked like they were burning.

"To live. I want to live."

Her broke, and Anna looked at the First completely thrown.

"I want something real, Anna! I want to exist!"

Anna's arms fell to her sides, she looked at The First in bewilderement.

"But then why-"

"No!"

Buffy suddenly interrupted her face now full of alarm. She stared at Anna beseechingly.

"He's coming. Please, promise me you won't say anything! Not yet!"

Anna's eyes narrowed in renewed suspicion.

"Why not?"

Buffy looked at her desperately.

" Just please! I'll come back, I'll come back here and you can ask all the questions you want! Just please!"

The door of the crypt flung open, and seeing the maddening look on Buffy's face, Anna nodded and The First disappeared just as Spike entered the room. Anna whirled round to face her Sire, he was scanning the room with a suspicious look on his face.

"Has someone been here?"

He demanded. Anna scoffed.

"Like who?"

Spike relented, but his eyes still held that suspicion.

"I want you to be careful, promise me you won't go anywhere on your own-"

"WHAT!"

Anna screeched outraged.

"Anna,"

Spike tried to explain, but Anna wouldn't have any of it.

"Save it! It's too late ok! It's too late to play the 'Concerned Sire Card' now"

"Anna, -"

"No, no where were you a couple of weeks ago? Didn't give a damn then! Too busy playing puppy dog eyes with the Slayer!"

Spike flinched.

"I'm sorry"

Spike apologised lowly, but Anna just shook her head.

"Don't bother! I get it alright! You're in love with her, just don't act all concerned now cos' it's all gone to rot-"

"I've always cared!"

Spike bellowed over her.

"Buffy and I, we're finished. I'm done. It's you and me now, Anna"

Anna's face crumbled, her eyes glistened with tears.

"Only because you're too broken to be with her!"

Spike looked at her horrified.

"That's not true"

Anna shrugged.

"I think it is."

Spike screwed his eyes shut. He looked like he was burning.

**Sorry for the massive pause, but I hope you all like this chapter! Eagerly awaiting your views, **

**Regards**

**Lisi the slayer**


	31. Used

**Used**

_A warm hand was trailing softly down his cold back, sending a shiver through him. The shiver came from deep within his core. He was recoiling._

"_Hey lover," a steamy-voiced female drawled. Spike turned onto his side and came face to face with a familiar pair of deep brown eyes._

"_Faith..."_

_Spike's voice was merely a breath. She grinned wolfishly at him, biting her bottom lip suggestively at the same time. That was all the warning Spike got before suddenly Faith filled the empty space that had been between them and her full lips were insistent upon his own. Spike response was conflicted. His eyes closed as his hands tangled in her silky dark locks. He was, pulling her closer, but inside he was screaming._

"_Tricky, isn't it?"_

_Faith whispered just above his lips. There was a dark note to her playful tone, and Spike opened his eyes to see Buffy in her place. Spike shifted away from her, startled. Buffy didn't appear to notice, or if she did she didn't care. Her green eyes gave him a soft but determined look._

"_You've got a choice to make Spike, and you really have to make it."_

_She pouted mockingly, and Spike's desire to flee mounted and mounted. Laughing at him, Buffy draped her head over him and began planting open mouthed kisses onto his chest, her long hair caressing him with every tilt of her head. She had him pinned down, but as Spike made a little keening sound in his throat, he realized his hands were in manacles stretched over his head._

"_B-Buffy, please,"_

_Spike whined and Buffy stopped her kissing, giving him a dark look._

"_Don't go whining to me, I'm not the one who put you here"_

_And in that very instant her entire naked body morphed into Faith in front of him. She grinned wickedly, and immediately began to straddle him, her hands squeezing hard around his trapped wrists._

"_This is your choice, Spike"_

_Faith muttered and slowly she began to move him into her. Spike felt her tight muscles contract around him and he whimpered frantically as a feeling of absolute helplessness coursed through him. Faith began to grind her hip bones against him._

"_If you let yourself be a fucktoy Kitty, that'll be all your ever be good for"_

_She panted, and Spike choked, his eyes widening in distress as he realized he had a collar tightly fastened around his throat. Distraught eyes looked pleadingly into Faith's and she gave him a pitying look before suddenly she had morphed into Buffy again._

"_B-Buffy, stop"_

_Spike spluttered, releasing a strangled scream as Buffy leant forward._

"_Don't let me Spike, don't choose this... It's your choice, Spike"_

_Buffy whispered, before her body tensed and screaming in rapture as she found her release..._

0-0-0-0-0-0

This had been a bad idea, the last time she had come Spike hadn't even bothered to fight with her, he had clearly wanted nothing to do with her, and yet something and pulled and tugged insistently in Buffy tonight; demanding she came to Spike's crypt, she was about to call it a night –

"Slayer..."

Spike's tired voice called out to her, and she turned back around to look at him hesitantly.

"Hello, Spike..."

Spike looked at her unimpressed.

"You're a lot of things Slayer, door mouse ain't one of them."

"What's happening to you?"

Buffy replied bluntly, oh she knew they could talk about her till the cows came home, and then she could beat up all the cows and wait for the next herd to come and they'd still be talking about her – but not now. Not this time.

A sliver of emotion crept into Spike's eyes at that, and he quickly averted them.

"Spike, I'm worried about you-"

"Why's that then?"

Buffy could feel herself beginning to get frustrated. This shut down guy, Mr. Keep-All-The-Bloody-Walls-Up, he wasn't someone she was used to.

"Did you even notice? Before I killed Faith did you even hear-"

"If you expect that, that lip service to-"

"Lip service!" Buffy spluttered, her eyes widening indignantly. "I told you I loved you!"

Spike rose his head back up to look at her again, his gaze heavily hostile.

"You're excuse me if people sayin' it don't exactly mean that much anymore-"

"Why are you doing this?"

Buffy demanded, and she flung herself onto her knees before him, where he sat smoking his cigarette; she snatched it and threw it away.

"Why are you doing this?"

She repeated, her eyes staring into Spike's.

"A choice, gotta choice to make..."

Buffy frowned at Spike's low rumblings; they didn't make any sense to her.

"Spike..."

"I won't be your fuck toy!"

Spike abruptly shouted and he rose to his feet.

"What the hell? Spike-"

"I was yours and I was hers and I won't do it again! I've seen it"

"Seen what? Spike please, that's not what I'm after, you know that!"

Spike looked at her lost, his blue eyes haunted.

"I saw it."

Buffy frowned.

"What? Tell me, Spike please!"

"I-I had a dream..."

Buffy's eyes widened, and she rushed up to him; embracing him despite his snarls and small frantic shoves.

"It was the First, Spike. It's screwing with all of us, it came to me too alright, it came as my mother but it wasn't her-"

A final shove had Buffy successfully pushed away, the shock of Spike actually being so repulsed by her touch, brought tears to her eyes.

"We had our time, Buffy-"

"No, no don't say that! Don't ever say that!"

"Buffy-"

"Don't you ever think about it? About us?"

Spike looked at her grave and pained.

"All the time..."

"Then-"

"But there is a massive difference between what is real here and now, and what could have been-"

"Can be-" Buffy interrupted, and she captured his wrists in her hands. "Can be, Spike-"

"No, we had our time."

Buffy shook her head; tears flew from her face and landed on their joined hands.

"It'll be different, I'm different!"

Spike shook his head, and emotion, real emotion, finally came into his face. Forcing one of his hands free, he gently wiped her tears away with the pad of his thumb.

"I want this as much as you do, I want to put the clocks back as much as you do – but I can't. Too much has happened; you've hurt me too often."

Buffy opened her mouth to speak, but the lump that had grown in her throat completely overwhelmed her. It made her choke.

"I've tried, ok? I've tried..."

Buffy still couldn't speak, and Spike pulled her trembling form into his arms.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

"I will never feel for anyone what I felt for you,"

Buffy sobbed against his chest, but Spike didn't say another word and now, as her terrible trembling had stopped, he seemed to be retreating.

"Good night Buffy."

Buffy just stood there helplessly, as he turned back towards his crypt.

"William, I love you!"

Spike let out a small cry, the first cry he had uttered all night and he turned back around.

"I know..."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

The First smiled. Anna looked at First Spike with a frown.

"What you so happy about?"

"Our plan little Morsel, s'all going swimmingly"

Anna looked at Spike in awe.

"He's done it! What he actually rejected her?"

The First smiled, and stretching out a hand as close to Anna's head as he could, he trailed it down her sleek hair.

"Looks like losing you hurts more than you think,"

Anna didn't say anything, she appeared lost for words.

"It's in motion, pet but be wary, your part's in the line-up."

**Thanks to everyone who is reading this story. Hope you like this chapter and as ever, I eagerly await your views!**

**Regards**

**Lisi the slayer**


	32. I'm Doing This Cus I Love You

**I'm doing this 'cause I love you**

A small creak came from behind him. The whisky bottle rolled gently from his hand and away from him to rest against the others.

"Anna?"

Spike slurred. He heard his crypt door close.

"It's me, Sire."

Anna's voice sounded grave, but Spike felt too muddled to work out why. Groggily, he rose up from his chair and stared at his young dark-haired Childe.

"Had something to say to you, mighty important it was" Spike muttered, he smirked slightly and at his wobble, a firm hand guided him down towards his cellar.

"It doesn't matter now, Sire. All that matter is that I'm going to take care of you."

Spike felt himself being lulled softly down the stairs, and he absently hoped he didn't trip and make a right prat of himself.

"Wha's going on, Anna?" Spike slurred against her. "Why we going down 'ere?"

Anna didn't answer straight away, but once they were safely down, her black eyes stared intently into his. In the cellar with her ghostly skin and long black hair she looked every inch a child of the night.

"I was cruel to you Spike, I said things I didn't mean."

Spike shook his head; he seemed to be clearing up a little now; there wasn't so much sway in his step.

"Spoke the bloody truth you did Pet, about time someone around here did... You don't need to say sorry, not to me."

Anna's black eyes glistened in the darkness, and Spike thought she might have tears in them. A chilling feeling shivered through him.

"Why are we down here, Anna?"

Yes, the alcohol was definitely wearing off and what had been a blissful ignorance of it all was vastly turning into trepidation.

"I want you to remember something, Spike." Anna began; she had a hand behind her back.

"Remember what? And what is that you're hiding?"

Anna came up close to him; her eyes looked defiant in their determination.

"Remember, I'm doing this because I love you-"

"Doing wha-"

Spike never finished his sentence because with surprising velocity and strength, Anna swung a rusty spade hard against the back of his head. He went down like a stone. Standing over her fallen Sire, Anna emotionlessly trailed her hands over the air, and slowly rope emerged from the floor and whirling tightly over his limbs, chest and torso secured him tightly to the floor. It was magic rope. Once he woke, he'd never break himself free. Not till she released the enchantment – and she would... Once it was all over.

"I'm sorry..."

Anna whispered, before turning around and heading back up the stairs.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

Buffy stared moodily out of her bedroom window. She'd lost count of the times she had spotted Spike lurking behind that thick tree. Smoking away, he would lurk from what he thought was behind her view, and stare longing up at her window – her real life Romeo...

"Hardly Juliet, were you?"

Buffy muttered to herself bitterly, and sighing she was about to move away from her window, when her eyes caught a glimpse of smoke. A thin trail of smoke was floating away into the wind, from behind her tree. Her heart caught in her throat, and then she saw him... He was half-smiling at her. Spike was beckoning her down to him, Anna faithfully waiting at his side.

"After everything he'd said..."

She whispered, but when Spike eyes pleaded with her to come down, she rushed from her window without a second thought. Who was she to complain about Spike changing his mind? How many times had she said one thing to the Vampire and then done another? The turnaround so quickly seemed extraordinary to her, but then Spike was just that really, extraordinary...

She flung the door open, and ran out to them her arms out wide ready to embrace him, Anna however stubbornly flew herself in front of her Sire and kept her at bay.

"You have to take this slow, Slayer. Spike's willing to give this a go but-"

"I can talk for myself, Morsel."

Spike told Anna softly, before his blue eyes rested on Buffy.

"You're the most amazing thing that ever happened to me, Buffy-"

"Spike, I-"

Spike raised a hand to halt her.

"But you almost destroyed me. You and Faith together, you almost had me beat. I can't go through that again Buffy."

Buffy nodded, her eyes teary again.

"Tell me, tell me what you want."

"I want you,"

Spike whispered, his voice intense and gaze even more so.

"I've always wanted you, but I want it done proper this time alright. We take this nice and slow Pet and we're... we're see where it takes us."

Buffy let out a small sob, but she didn't attempt to touch him again.

"I love you..."

She whispered, and Spike smiled, his blue eyes filling with light.

"Walk with me now..."

He murmured, Buffy smiled and she went...

0-0-0-0-0-0-

He'd been trodden on by a elephant. That's what it felt like, that or a Troll. Some giant beasty had taken a good old smash on his head.

"A-A-Anna?"

He slurred, and opening his eyes his blurred vision finally cleared to show him his cellar. Spike frowned, and attempted to rise up from the floor – that was when he realised he couldn't. Terrified and confused, Spike struggled bitterly against the strong rope, but his bonds wouldn't budge.

"ANNA!"

Spike screeched, but no answer came.

"ANNA!"

Spike struggled furiously against the rope, wriggling and twisting what he could like some ridiculously over grown worm. It made no difference, he could not move. Worn out from only just coming around, Spike grew still and as his head lulled to the side, he saw the slightly bloody spade... He'd been hit with that. Spike's eyes grew wide as he remembered.

"ANNA! ANNA NOOOOO! ANNA!"

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Spike didn't know how long he had been lying down now, it could have been only a couple of hours into the night or it might be the next morning. Tears slid thickly down his face as he struggled again hopelessly. William's pride, William's god damn Victorian pride had bloody come to the fore-front after Faith had raped him. It had been that pride that had stopped him backing down when Buffy had begged him to give her another chance, and it could be that pride that lost him Buffy forever.

That thought, brought a wave of anguish so strong, so unbearable, Spike threw his head back as much as he could and just howled...

"_Hello? Spike, you there?"_

For a crazy moment Spike thought he'd heard –

"_It's me! Red! Spike you here?"_

"R-Red?"

Spike muttered to himself, and then he heard her footsteps, she was moving away...

"RED! RED! I'M HERE! RED, DOWN HERE! I'M HERE!"

"Spike?-"

"I'M HERE! RED! IN THE CELLAR! RED!"

At last he heard frantic footsteps, and Spike swore his heart leapt, as he heard the trapdoor open.

"SPIKE! "

"RED! RED I'M DOWN HERE!"

Spike heard her rush down and then all at once, her flustered appearance was right in front him.

"Spike, she's missing!"

Spike felt his stomach drop into the floor.

"W-Who-"

"Buffy! Spike she's missing!"

"Red,-"

"I-I-I woke up and she wasn't there! Her bed didn't even look slept in! I wondered – I hoped she was here but then I came here and it was all empty!"

"Get me out of these Red, I can track her scent and we'll save the day – just get me out of these Red!"

Hearing the urgency in his voice relieved Willow, and in any other circusmastance she might have leapt up and down in joy, but now wasn't the time. Stooping down, her hands flew to the knotted ropes.

She struggled furiously for a moment, before sighing in despair.

"I can't. I can't untie the knots-"

"Of course you bloody can't! Hello Vampire here! Think I'd still be down ere' if this was your common garden rope! She's bloody enchanted it!"

"Who-"

"Anna!" Spike growled. "Sodding witch tied me down here! She's gone after her Red"

"I'll need magic..." Willow whispered her voices shaky. Spike strained his neck as far as he could, his deep blue eyes staring into hers pleadingly.

"You need to do this Red, you need to get me out of here. We need to help Buffy-"

"But what if," Willow paused and her green eyes filled with tears. "What if I go bad again? Spike what if I can't stop?"

It broke his heart to see one his dearest friends so scared, so uncertain of herself, but his face portrayed nothing but fierce truth.

"I'll stop you. I give you my word, Red. You start getting crazy ideas about ending the world then I will stop you- Any way I need to. I won't let you go back there, Red."

Willow was trembling, and she clutched at one of his trapped hands. Tears slid down his face.

"D-Do you think if I wasn't lesbian, if you weren't madly in love with Buffy-"

"That's a lot of what-ifs Pet, but yeah sure in another life Pet, we might just have been bloody brilliant, Pet."

Willow half laughed, half sobbed.

"A girl could grow to love someone like you,-"

"Careful Red, don't wanna be giving this Vamp any ideas..."

Willow laughed shakily, and squeezed his hand tight. Spike squeezed best as he could back.

"Here goes..."

Willow whispered, and her eyes went black.

**Hey guys! Thank you so much for reading, hope you liked it and as ever, eagerly awaiting your views**

**Regards**

**Lisi the slayer**


	33. Facing Up

**Facing up**

For a moment, Spike briefly contemplated the fact that he'd more or less given himself up to someone, who if rumours were to be believed, had had no qualms about skinning Warren alive. '_Doesn't matter'_, he stubbornly told himself. Buffy was in trouble, and Anna was involved in it all. The woman he loved and his only Childe could be tearing chunks out of each other - he had to stop them.

Willow muttered something underneath her breath, and for a slightly worrying moment, the entire rope illuminated its self in a scarlet glow. The glow brightened to a white before disintegrating the rope. Sitting up immediately, Spike chanced a glance at his friend; he almost recoiled in shock. The young witch before him now looked nothing like his Red. Black eyes stared; almost unseeingly, they were so empty, at him.

"Red, it's ok now... You can stop."

Spike felt faintly ridiculous calling this woman in front of him 'Red', those pretty russet locks were now jet black and inky looking. Yet that was the nickname he was always calling her. The familiarity could only help in trying to pull Willow back out of her current state. It occurred to Spike then, with a sickening feeling, he had no real idea what he was dealing with. Willow stared at him a moment longer, her eyes blinking now, and a touch more warmth seeping through. She looked at him oddly; she appeared to be mouthing his name. On instinct alone, Spike reached out a hand, and cupped her face.

"You're alright, Red. You're alright."

Willow shuddered a little, a touch of auburn began to peak through her inky roots and whispering his name with a small sigh, her transformation was instant; the deathly black eyes and hair was replaced by the pretty red and the green eyes he had grown to care so much for. Impulsively, Spike drew her against him into a hug, Willow rested her cheek against his, panting harshly.

"I-I-I did it, Spike! I did it!"

Spike didn't say anything, he just squeezed her briefly, more tightly, before releasing her.

"Red, Rubes didn't spend all that time in England trying to teach you control for you to just lock up all that power away. He let you come back here, Red. He trusted you could control yourself, so maybe Pet, it's time to start trusting yourself too."

Willow looked at him, lost for words. Spike smiled, but then his face became serious.

"We need to find Buffy and Anna,"

Willow nodded, and together they raced up from the cellar.

0-0-0-0-0-0-

They were walking towards the forest now, not that Buffy minded particularly, but she wondered why they hadn't gone in the direction of his crypt. However, still not quite over Spike's complete change of heart, she felt quite certain she would have walked over hot coals just to have him stand by her side as he was. This warm, all-with-the-smouldering-looks-having Spike was ages away from the shut down and cold Master Vampire she had encountered in the past few days. Yet, at times, she had seen something in his blue eyes that had put her on edge almost.

At times, before Spike seemed to shake it off, there was a hungry gleam in his eyes, but not of the expected sexually hungry kind. It was gleam she had thought she had only seen once before, when Spike had come the closest he ever had to killing her - when he had attacked Sunnydale High. If her mother hadn't be around with an axe on hand – he would have killed her. That vicious gleam, that gloating satisfaction he had briefly presented to her, now seemed to appear every now and again in Spike's eyes. It was as if he couldn't quite help himself.

"Why are we coming here, Spike?"

Buffy asked, despite not minding earlier, this forest had no real positive memories for her. She remembered when she had encountered The First there for the first time. It's impersonation of Angel and Spike as she had tried desperately to track Spike down. She also remembered the place where she had finally found Spike after he had escaped from The First, where she had almost decided she loved him and Spike had thought she was The First ready to recapture him.

"Isn't there somewhere else we can go? Y'know a bit more I dunno happy memory friendly?"

Spike smirked tightly, and Anna and he exchanged a look.

"Trust me on this Luv, there's something here you've got to see."

Buffy glanced around at the tall murky looking trees in disbelief. She heard Spike chuckle.

"Oh no not there Luv, no we're going to the heart of this, where we should always have been."

Buffy rose an eyebrow as Spike pointed at the opening of a cave.

"We should always have been in a cave?"

She repeated sceptically.

"Just trust me alright, when's your ole' Spiky ever let you down before,"

Buffy didn't quite know why, but a real jolt of unease passed through her as Spike encouraged her onward. Despite whatever marvel of brilliance Spike might have found in that deserted cave, her Slayer instincts were going crazy – oh there was something down there alright but it wasn't anything she and Spike really wanted to meet – Buffy was sure of it.

Spike sighed and came to a halt.

"Let go, for once let go of your bloody Slayer self-control and let someone else take control - for once. Trust me, Buffy."

Buffy stared into Spike's blue eyes, now no longer having that odd gleam within them but just earnestly pleading for her to trust him. She glanced at Anna, who quickly looked away from her.

"I'm sorry Spike, of course I trust you."

Spike smiled at her, and Buffy allowed him to lead the way.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Spike sniffed the air in increasing frustration, before finally snarling.

"Nothing, barely anything of her! She hasn't been in the Cemetery for hours!"

Willow groaned.

"Great, well she could be anywhere! What about Anna? You can't track her scent?"

Spike growled again, furious with himself that in his eagerness to find and see Buffy again, he had completely focused on finding her scent, at the expense of blocking out all the other ones... Yes, Anna's he could lock on almost instantly.

"Got her, right"

Spike immediately began sprinting in that direction and Willow hurried to keep up with him.

"But you told her right? I mean you're her Sire, you've got a certain influence over her, right?"

"Yeah, what's your point Red?"

"Back at the house, you told her she couldn't harm any of us, Buffy or any of the gang."

Spike looked grim.

"I did..."

He confirmed, but as he trailed off, Willow had the impression she was missing something.

"I sense a 'but' coming along here-"

"But I only told her, I didn't enforce it on her."

Willow stared at him wide-eyed.

"What! Why? Spike I don't understand-"

"I didn't want to alright! Anna bloody knew I'd tear her head off she so much as tore a hair from your bleeding heads – well unless it was the boy's maybe..."

"Spike, -"

"Angelus used it on me all the time, alright, in the early years. Firstborns, we're remarkably complacent towards our Sire's in the early years, good old Angelus he was never one for missing out on opportunities to exploit me"

Spike snorted bitterly.

"I rather messed up his plans, had real nice set up before Dru brought me along, him and two fit birds for all eternity to mess and rampage with – he really didn't want another alpha male about...Especially not later. Not when I stood up to his sorry arse, bloody killed two extra Slayers then he did!"

Willow frowned, choosing to ignore the smugness in Spike's voice at that.

"But you would never have taken advantage of Anna-"

"I hated it Red. Losing your will, feeling some giant poofter's word set in like sodding God's Gospel, reason why I never wanted a Childe, and why when I found out I had one I promised I'd never use it."

It occurred to Willow then that apart from what she and the gang had seen of Spike, they really knew little about his life at all.

"Hey, now don't need you thinking any sympathetic thoughts you hear, we've got to find Buffy and Anna, that's all you can think about Red. Want you a hundred percent on this."

They resumed in silence for a while, till the track led them to Buffy's house. Spike's sniffed the air, inhaling it seemed as much as he could, he shook his head.

"She ain't here, nothing but Little bit."

Neither had really believed Buffy would be back, but they had hoped, and it was great disappointment they carried on down the road, carried on their following of Anna's scent. They walked in silence for awhile, with Spike wishing wholeheartedly that Anna's scent was not going to lead him to that god-forsaken forest.

"What are you going to do with Anna?"

Willow asked, breaking the uneasy silence.

" If she's-"

"It won't come to that."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

It was almost pitch black down the cave, and Buffy's earlier misgivings came back with vengeance.

"Spike, look maybe you can see in the dark, but we're not all with seeing in the dark eyes."

Anna snorted.

"Speak for yourself."

"Ok, so I'm the only one who hasn't got Vamp eyes, big woop can we please go now! I can't believe I'm saying this but even a game of Kitten Poker! Spike please-"

"Relax Buffy, Anna you can conjure a light can't you?"

Anna gave a moody sort of look, but nevertheless, soon produced a small ball of light that flew in front of them and shone the cave into light for Buffy. The gloomy brown rock and debris hardly inspired any enthusiasm. It was strange, Spike had never brought her to place like this before, she wondered what an earth had got into the Vampire's head.

Eventually, the tunnel came to an opening and seemed to lead to wider larger area of the cave. Buffy shivered, her slayer instincts were going wild, ballistic! Her heart was hammering against her ribcage like she had run a marathon.

"S-Spike, get me out of here! We've got to go- Spike!"

Spike sniggered.

"I really was going to wait a little longer you know, see if you finally cracked it the further we got, but you always do spoil my fun don't you Slayer?"

Buffy looked at him with growing dread and realisation.

"Anna? Anna listen to me, we've got to go now – that isn't Spike."

Anna stared at her coldly, and in that instant Buffy knew.

"You tricked me..."

She whispered, Anna laughed and before Buffy was aware of it, strong rope was tying her hands together behind her back.

"Funny, you even manage to sound betrayed."

Anna mocked, as Buffy tried helplessly to free her hands from the rope, it was no use, her hands were tied. She looked at Anna startled, she knew Spike's Childe had held misgivings about her, but she'd had no idea the young Vampire's disapproval ran so deep.

"Look whatever its telling you, what its promised you its lying! Think what this will do to him, to Spike!"

A look of hatred flashed over Anna's face and she struck Buffy hard across the face, she fell to the ground with a small cry of pain.

"Since when do you care about him getting hurt?"

"Anna, I-"

"You don't give a damn about him, but I do! He's my Sire, and if he can't do what's good for him, then its up to me."

Anna stood threateningly over her, and as Buffy struggled to get back on her feet, with her hands tied, she tried once more to reason with Spike's Childe.

"I love him, Anna. I love him, we're on the same side!"

Anna released a furious growl, and with a vicious kick to the temple, Buffy's world descended into darkness.


	34. Running Out Of Time

Running Out Of Time

The First smirked as the Slayer crumpled into a heap.

"You did well Morsel, should have just turned to you in the first place."

Anna turned around to see her Sire's face reflected back at her, his handsome features twisted into an ugly look of victory. Spike turned to his left then, and gave the darkness an imperious look, a look at odds for Anna, on his face.

"Get her ready then! Or am I and Anna expected to do all the dirty work around 'ere!"

Monsters, ugly vampiric but certainly not human looking monsters emerged from the darkness, and Anna subconsciously backed closer to The First in fear.

"They are Turok-Hans, Anna. True Vampires."

Anna looked at the approaching Turok-Hans, they didn't look a bit like the other Vampires she had seen – they looked truly evil.

"They won't hurt you, Anna. Stand by me, and nothing will hurt you again, or your Sire..."

Anna turned to see Spike's face sweetly looking down at her. She could see no hint of deception in his face. In that moment, The First might have been her beloved Sire.

"You promise? "

Anna whispered tearfully, The First looked at her solemnly.

"I promise."

Anna looked at her Sire's face for a moment and then nodded, and trying to ignore her mounting fear as the monsters came close to her, and passed her. They encircled around Buffy, and The First's eyes settled on a large rock. It smirked, there would be no escape this time.

"Right there, tie her up."

Spike's voice ordered and Anna watched, feeling suddenly rather powerless, as the Turok-Hans roughly pulled Buffy's body up from the ground, and snarling amongst themselves, led her to the blood stained rock.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Despite The First's promise, Anna couldn't stop her hands trembling as upon The First's orders, one of them handed her a small wooden bowl of which looked like black grunge. It growled at her as she took the bowl from it, and The First just smirked in amusement before ordering it back.

"This is the final part, Morsel. You're part is almost done here. Go up to the Slayer and smear it on her forehead and her over her heart."

Seeing Buffy awake, the way her eyes had lit up every time she had looked at Spike's face, the way her voice had gushed – it had made Anna's blood boil but now Buffy's plea to her, that she truly loved Spike, she suddenly didn't feel so sure.

"Look at me, Anna."

The First asked her, and Anna released a sharp gasp. Spike's face was now bloody and beaten. His right eye bruised purple, and so swollen he could barely open it.

"She did this to me, Anna - On her birthday!"

The First pointed at Buffy, and Anna turned to look at her.

"Some nerds, some foolish nerds made her think she'd killed a girl, and I the fool I was, looked after her. I told her to go home, I took care of the body, completely eliminated her from the scene. It wasn't enough for her, she would have left Dawn all alone, the only family member she had left and wasted away in prison – I stopped her and she beat me for it."

Anna's eyes filled with tears, and she turned back to Spike's bruised face.

"I didn't even fight back, Anna. I took it all, and she piled it all on me. All her anger, her hatred of her friends, she dumped it all on me and then left me for dead - For the sun to burn."

The First paused and gave Anna Spike's piercing look.

"You still feeling like saving her?"

Anna didn't say anything, but then slowly turned her back on The First, and approaching Buffy, dipped her forefinger into the goo, it smeared on Buffy's forehead like blood.

"What now?"

Anna whispered, as reaching behind Buffy's blouse, she smeared it over her beating heart.

"Now we wait."

The First replied, truly smirking now.

"We wait, till she wakes up."

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Buffy groaned, her head was throbbing but she tugged her arms and feeling them now encased in leather made her force her eyes open.

"S-S-Spike?"

She whispered at the blurred black and platinum figure she saw not far from her.

"Yes, and no."

He replied sneering at her.

"The First."

Buffy declared, her voice hard with hatred.

"Right you are luv! You know I think it's time we were introduced properly, thinkin' you hold a lot of misconceptions about me, Pet."

"What those be? And don't call me Pet."

The First walked closer.

"You still think I want to destroy the world, think again Goldilocks."

"Well what do you want? Me dead, is that it?"

"Oh you really do have a superiority complex you know, not attractive should get that seen to Pet."

He was mocking her, he had no intention of letting her live. Too bad, she was gonna kick this thing's ass so hard, wearing Spike's face wasn't going to save it.

"Thought you were smarter than this, fact you and I actually cracked it. Well I cracked it, but you'll figure it out..."

"You want a body."

"BBBINGO! BINGO RIGHT THERE! GIVE IT TO THE LADY!"

Spike's voice hysterically yelled through the cave. The First sniggered at her.

"You know I ought to thank you really, I don't know maybe I've been in this form too much, ain't too much of a thinker this one – follows his blood too much! Can't think of another reason why I wasted all that time and effort breaking that waste of space for a Slayer out prison."

"Faith, yeah real smart move that was"

The First gave her sideways look.

"Yeah well, you can have that one, Pet. No excuses for that. Waste of time start to finish. I mean can you believe it! I gave me to her! Had me all trussed up and available, right where you are now in fact!"

The First said pointed at her, his voice all aggiated like Spike's got when he finally lost his temper about something.

"Couple of months there alone I needed! No sign of you! Faith convincing me you'd bloody moved on, didn't give a crap – bam! Could 'ave started the ride going long time ago but no! She just set me free! Give her couple of wantin' looks and sweet talks and she bloody frees me!"

Buffy just rose an eyebrow, The First looked at her amused.

"Sorry about that Pet, had to get that off my chest y'know"

He sniggered, Buffy looked it coldly.

"He'll come for me, he will come you know."

An intrigued, despite its self, a look of wonder came onThe First's face then, and in Spike's guise, that powerful look despite herself, made her blush.

"What?"

"Spike said the same thing. Tied there on that rock, Spike said you'd come – but you didn't of course."

"I was on my way! If Faith hadn't been so stupid I'd have gotten him outta there would have killed her sorry ass a lot quicker too."

The First smirked. It could remembering seeing Spike's beaten body on that rock, could remember telling him as Buffy that she wouldn't be saving him. Guess now it got to try it in reverse.

"I ain't coming sweet cheeks, and let's face it, not exactly been in my good books now have you Luv?"

Buffy gulped down the small bit of fear that reminder brought up and stared at the First defiantly.

"He loves me, and maybe we can't be together but he'd never just abandon me. He's coming for me and when he comes you're gonna be dead."

The First just rose an eyebrow, but Buffy's attentions turned to Anna then, the young Vampire had been lurking in the shadow. In The First's shadow.

"You know why it looks like Spike, don't you?"

Buffy asked her, her voice hard, but desperate. Anna didn't reply.

"Because you trust it, you see Spike's face and it makes you trust it but that's not your Sire! That's not Spike!"

"I'm protecting him, he's gonna have a new life without you. He's gonna be happy, I'm gonna-"

"Happy! Can you even hear yourself! Anna he'll hate for this, you hear me? He'll hate you."

Anna tried to look as if Buffy's words weren't affecting her, but she could see the fear in the young Vampire's eyes.

"Anna, you're only sixteen years old. You don't know what you're doing."

Anna heard the pity in Buffy's voice and it infuriated her.

"I don't need your pity! You think you're so good don't you! All plucked up and chosen but you're just a monster. I know what you did to him, The First showed me, you beat him and you left him for dead!"

Buffy groaned, she felt guilty for it all over again.

"I did, but look Anna I was out of my mind-"

Anna snorted, her eyes bright with fury.

"So it was ok?"

"No, no Anna, that's not what I'm-"

"Save it. He isn't coming Buffy, you're not getting out of this one."

Fear, not for her, but for Spike surged through her, and she pulled against the leather straps.

"What have you done?"

Anna and The First didn't reply.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!"

Buffy demanded, pulling as hard as she could against the straps.

"He was drunk, drunk from seeing you again. I led him down to the cellar and I tied him up. I don't hurt Spike, I leave that to you-"

"Oh so tying him up, kidnapping the woman he loves – that's not hurting him!"

Buffy cried incredulously, but then The First stepped forward again.

"Think I've had enough introductions, Slayer you sit back and relax, you're be back in your beloved heaven soon."

Buffy felt her heart pound against her chest, Spike really wasn't coming. This was it, she was really gonna die. Again.

**Thanks for reading, sorry for the long wait, but the last chapter should be up soon, hope you all like it!**


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